Saw V

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By Mark Ramsey | 2008/10/30

Who will survive? Which of these unpleasant people you don’t know and don’t care about? Like most of the victims, I’m on pins and needles!

Who are these actors with Saw star Tobin Bell? I’ve never seen any of them before – unless you count the time they asked me “how does everything taste?” at Olive Garden.

Saw V. Five chapters deep, and now I know why they call it “Saw.”

Because I saw it all before.

But when Hollywood makes tens of millions of dollars off a movie that costs less to produce than an appetizer at Nobu, you’ll curse the ancient Romans for inventing so many numerals.

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Saw V opens as a dude awakens, strapped to a table while a pendulum swings ominously over his torso.

I can see where this is going.

Does each of his halves get residuals?

I know what you’re thinking: “What residuals?”

Yes, Lions Gate went all out on this one. Especially with the diabolical use of exploding jars of nails!

Jars of nails?

“What’s wrong with nails?” Jigsaw asked. “After all, most of the cast got this gig by getting nailed by producers.”

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Nails? Where else but in a Saw movie can a puzzle-minded sadist cobble together elaborate torture contraptions from the same Home Depot that provides his replacement windows and his garage storage solution?

“Not only can I shop for torture devices, but I can buy some wood laminate!” said Jigsaw, who skips the garden department because a plant would require a dilapidated warehouse with a window.

I don’t know how you can call this a “spoiler” when what it spoils wasn’t fresh to begin with, but beware…Jigsaw accomplices are emerging from the woodwork like so many roaches from the cracks of the Screen Actors’ Guild. In fact, half this movie is spent sticking new accomplices into past chapters of the franchise so as to justify their presence in future ones.

Saw V is one reconstituted and altered flashback after another. By playing around with past events the producers of this franchise can make almost anything but a decent movie possible.

Hey wait! That’s Dexter’s Julie Benz – disguised in a dark wig!

“It was either that or a fake nose, mustache, and glasses,” she said. And who can blame her?

It has been a long time since a movie character has uttered the immortal line: “Stick it in her head or we don’t get out.”

And if there’s one thing I wish hadn’t gotten stuck in my head, it’s Saw V.

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