Twilight

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By Mark Ramsey | 2008/11/24

Finally, a movie that asks the burning question haunting mankind through the ages: What if the hottest boy in school was a vampire?

Not since Titanic and The Notebook has Hollywood so effectively tapped into the Holy Grail of movie audiences: The teenage girl! It’s oddly discomforting to recognize that every other moviegoer could disappear off the face of the Earth, and a movie could still open to 70 million dollars.

I tried to channel my inner Hannah Montana for Twilight, but she thought the idea of being channeled was grody to the max and returned to the bygone era to which she and her slang belonged.

It’s an age-old story: High school girls have been attracted to bad boys ever since they weren’t attracted to me. I don’t know about you, but when I was in high school “undead” was what I was lucky to be every day.

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It’s the first day at a new school (there’s a new scenario!). The difference is, this school has vampires, so it’s not just English class that sucks.

These young vampires have lived for hundreds of years, most of which were evidently spent fussing with their hair.

Bella just moved to town, and she’s immediately attracted to the boy with the pasty complexion and bright red lips.

“My previous boyfriend was a circus clown,” she tells him, as they proceed to spend 90 minutes circling each other for the first kiss as my fingers drum out the seconds on the theater seat.

“It took 90 minutes because I had to navigate a vector around that artfully coiffed and faux-windswept hair,” Bella explained. “I know he wears bright red lipstick,” she says, “but that just means we have more in common.”

“Your eyebrows are so thick, I could get lost in them,” she tells Edward, her BVFF.

She means they really are so thick she literally could get lost in them. Fortunately, she builds a lean-to between two enormous brow-hairs in case she’s lost during inclement weather – or a shower.

“I’m immortal!” says Edward. “So lip gloss and hair products will never go out of style!”

“What’s more, my eyes change color,” he says. “And each shade is cuter than the last, especially the pink one and the one that resembles a cuddly puppy.”

You know how vampires are incinerated by sunlight? Not in this bastardization of a perfectly good myth. Here, sunlight just makes their skin sparkle like the couture section at Neiman Marcus.

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“I’m the world’s most dangerous predator,” says vampire Edward, “if you can imagine a dangerous predator with lipstick and a hair stylist locked in a display case at Tiffany.”

If I had fangs I’d yank them out by the root by now.

Here’s some typical dialogue:

Edward: “I’m designed to kill.”

Bella: “I don’t care.”

Edward: “I’ve killed people before.”

Bella: “It doesn’t matter.”

Edward: “I have a mild case of halitosis.”

Bella: “I’m so out of here.”

Oceans of time pass with virtually nothing happening but idle chit chat on rocks and in trees. It’s like watching pandas graze.

Amazingly, Twilight manages to drain me of my life force without stealing a drop of my blood. Especially when our vampire clan assembles for a friendly game of baseball. Yes, that’s right. Because what could stop down whatever substitutes for action better than a game as slow as America’s favorite pastime?

That’s when we meet three evil vampires, and we know they’re evil because they strut in an evil fashion. Besides, one is no friend of PETA, one is a Rastafarian, and the third threatened to harm Marissa on The O.C.

Evil incarnate.

And they need to taste Bella’s blood because she’s the only human under vampire protection in a town of sitting duck alternatives. Tsk, tsk.

As the climax approaches, I realize there aren’t enough X chromosomes in the world to make me appreciate a showdown in a ballet studio.

Desperately I try to find my way out of the theater…

…without getting lost in an eyebrow.

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“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”