Back to the present day, where we see Jennifer Connelly lecturing to her class. Jennifer is a brilliant scientist because her statuesque good looks doom her to a life of bookish pursuits.
The government swoops in to gather her up along with a batch of other scientists. Because the only time you see a scientist in a movie is because the world is about to end.
The same holds true when you see Madonna in a movie, but that’s another story.
A bright light descends over Manhattan, marking the first time “Keanu Reeves” is featured in the same sentence as the word “bright.”
If the Earth really stood still it would burn up, but if that’s what it takes to deliver us from another Keanu performance, I say bring on the blaze.
An injured alien looks amazingly like Keanu, to which I can only say “whoa!” Keanu is Klaatu, an alien in human form named after one of the members of ABBA.
“This body will take some getting used to,” says Keanu about his human body.
Now he knows how we feel.
It doesn’t surprise me that another planet sent Keanu to Earth any more than it fails to surprise me that they won’t take him back.
Will Smith’s son Jaden is the cute and cuddly juvenile character you’ll remember from the original Day the Earth Stood Still directed by the great Robert Wise. What? You don’t remember the cute and cuddly juvenile character in that version of the story? Well that has to be because the makers of this version improved on it, don’t you think?
“Having a cute and cuddly sidekick worked for Bambi,” said director Hacky McHack. “So it can certainly work for Keaunu Reeves who has in common with a 2D cartoon character the same emotional depth.”
Jaden is this movie’s version of puppies on a live webcam.
Cut to the giant robot, GORT, who looks like he spends a lot of time in the CGI robot gym. “GORT” evidently stands for “Genetically Organized Robotic Technology,” meaning he can dissolve into a massive swarm of civilization-devouring CGI insects, as if this movie doesn’t devour enough civilization on its own.
“Why have you come to our planet?” Kathy Bates asks Keanu.
“To over-extend a notable turn in Point Break to a twenty year career despite all good evidence to the contrary,” replies Keanu.
“I came to save the Earth,” Keanu adds, after which the Earth burst into simultaneous and raucous laughter and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen attempted to inject Keanu directly into the world’s financial system.
Dangerous spheres lurk over every city!
“Send in the drones!” commands Kathy Bates.
“Present and accounted for!” said Keanu.
What are these spheres for? Never mind – we don’t understand them. Let’s kill them!
Keanu wants to be taken to our leader, so Jennifer takes him to John Cleese.
“No, not your leader of Monty Python, your world leader!”
“You lack the will to change!” says a typically emotionless Keanu. “Especially the will to change this script!”
Will the the people of the Earth be saved or extinguished?
“What aspect of humanity is worth saving?” he asks.
“Surely the one that makes Dancing with the Stars one of America’s favorite TV shows,” says Jennifer.
The original Day the Earth Stood Still is a classic. This version is a classic mess.
Now I know why they call them “disaster movies.”