The Unborn

By Mark Ramsey | 2009/01/14

Rarely has a movie’s title so thoroughly captured the way you wish you could be after seeing it.

The Unborn is written and directed by David Goyer, who co-wrote >The Dark Knight and the Blade series, but the only thing this movie has to do with Blade is that maybe I can use one to slash my wrists.

unborn_scream.jpgThe Unborn is a horror movie, but the only thing scary about it is the amount of money wasted on it.

“This is the last time I’ll write a movie on a roll of Charmin Ultra,” said Goyer.

Witness the shock of it: A ghostly child with one glove is standing forlorn in the middle of a road. Really scary only in the way that a lost mitten can be. Wait, then it’s not a boy it’s a dog dressed as a boy!

That would scare me only if it was the dog’s idea.

I’d like to say it’s all downhill from there, but first you’d have to show me the hill.

“They said it couldn’t be done,” said Goyer, “but I actually worked Nazis into this movie! The sequel will include fairies, a unicorn, and a special appearance by the reclusive author J. D. Salinger.”

Cut to a land where every inhabitant is more beautiful, more stupid, and more talentless than the next.

Our star is babysitting when a young boy swipes her with a mirror, creating a teensy cut so cute, it could release its own title track on Radio Disney.

I don’t know who this cute woman is, but evidently the management at the cute Melrose boutique where she folds cute outfits by day gave her enough cute time off to make her cute asterisk in cute cinema history.

“Yesterday I was a Gap associate, today I’m a movie star, tomorrow I’m a Gap associate,” she said with the kind of glow that can only come from a sunless tan.

The Unborn is not without its lessons: Evidently, shining a mirror in a baby’s face is bad luck. Especially if you look like some babies.

unborn_excorsim.jpg“Jumby wants to be born now” is the creepy message our hero dreams about. “Jumby” is the nickname of her never-born twin who was strangled in utero by her umbilical cord, although personally I think the cord got the wrong twin.

This poor woman can’t even go to a dance club without running into her unborn twin. “You’re harshing my groove, Jumby!” she screams at him in a fit.

There’s a lot of dreaming in this movie which conveniently opens the door to innumerable panty scenes punctuated by the head-clearing opportunity of a shower scene. Life is so punishing when you’re hot!

I don’t know about you, but when I think “Rabbi” I don’t think Gary Oldman, and “elderly Jewish grandmother” does not summon Jane Alexander to mind. Come on. Pork and shellfish are more Jewish than these two.

Rabbi Oldman advises our hero to break all the mirrors in her life, hopefully leaving the rearview one I’ll be watching this movie out of. “A mirror is a doorway to the other world,” he says, making me hope it was a world without this movie in it.

“Do you believe in the spirit world?” Rabbi Oldman asks her.

“I believe in Maybelline.”

As we approach the climax, we’re subjected to a barking dog with an upside down head. Or maybe I was just trying to view this movie from an angle that didn’t resemble crap.

When demons abound, it’s time for an exorcism!

So our heroes actually recruit their exorcist off a basketball court!

A basketball court? Was Craigslist down?!

Have some pride, people! The Unborn should have stayed that way.


Leave a Reply

Enter your own funny caption

caption this

“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”