My Bloody Valentine 3-D

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By Mark Ramsey | 2009/01/23

Yes, everything in this flick is in three dimensions but the brains that went into making it.

You have to be pretty creative to dream up a killer miner, of all things. “It was either a killer miner, a homicidal apothecary, or a blacksmith with really bad dermatitis,” said a studio spokesperson. “And since nobody in Hollywood wants to risk contact with bad skin, we went with the miner.”

And so begins anew the onslaught of 3-D cinema to a movie house near you. And while some of the forthcoming 3-D products look absolutely amazing, in this case the 3-D’s evidently stand for “dumb,” “dull,” and “dark.” Some stuff is so dimly lit you’ll see more action by staring at your watch – and at least the seconds move!

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It’s hard to stay relevant to kids today unless the pick-axe in your hand is used for spearing heads rather than dislodging coal. Besides, there’s no energy more renewable than the energy invested in a remake, right?

My Bloody Valentine 3-D stars Jensen Ackles, which is an actor’s name if ever a hair stylist had one.

And hey, there’s character actor Tom Atkins who has been floating around Hollywood since the Rockford Files was “must-see TV.” In my mind, Tom will always be unforgettable for his lead role in the misbegotten Halloween III, the only episode of the franchise where Michael Myers is replaced by a pumpkin mask that turns your head into a ball of worms and snakes.

Tom has enjoyed a career filled with so much cheese, his filmography should come from Wisconsin and in the shape of a wheel.

It’s party-time! And that means a kegger in a mine! In a mine?! Why not just dig a six foot hole and pile in?

Well it doesn’t take long before the benefits of 3-D technology are realized by the poking out of an eye which lurches towards the screen as if coming in for a closer look. If only it could see what I see, it would hide under a lid somewhere.

mybloodyvalentine_ratchocolate.jpgLook, the only thing I’d like to have flying at my face in 3-D is my money back, if it’s all the same to you.

You can almost count down the minutes to the inevitable young beauty running around naked in all her three-dimensional glory, thus proving that 2 C’s look fine in 3-D’s. What’s that sound? It’s the cackle of studio suits which you can ever hear from here.

Don’t look for this flick at the Oscars unless there’s a category for pick axe-wielding that I don’t know about.

My Bloody Valentine 3-D is a bloody waste of at least two out of those three dimensions.

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“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”