And certainly not enough double-D’s.
Maybe that was my problem with Jonas Brothers – the 3D Concert Experience. Then again, all the dimensions in this or any other universe may not be enough for me to channel my inner tweenage girl.
“This movie’s not aimed at you,” you might say, and you’d be right. Unless it’s aiming to stop my heart mid-beat and siphon my life force into a puddle on the theater floor next to a sticky splotch of dried Coke, which, by the way, sounds like you’re clapping along when you step on it to the off-beat.
Thanks to 3D, you feel like you can almost reach out and touch the Jonas Brothers, grab them by the neck, and strangle the everlasting life out of them.
The Jonas Brother, that’s Kevin, Joe, and Nick. Unfortunately I was here for Indiana Jonas and he was nowhere to be found. But forget discovering the Ark of the Covenant – the only heroic and adventurous thing these boys did was spray their screaming and crying fans with water hoses during the climax to their new hit, “Girl, you’ve given me a Metaphorical Orgasm.”
Ah, the joys of 3D! Does Nick’s guitar pick fly off the screen? And can I climb aboard and ride it to a different theater?
It’s a good thing I was wearing those 3D glasses because I’m that much less likely to be recognized. Too bad they couldn’t whip up a 3D mustache and wig, too. Next time I’ll just skip the glasses and go for the blindfold, since what I don’t see can’t hurt me, which is more than I can say for this movie.
This concert experience is brought to your good friends at Kraft. Online you can actually purchase Kraft Singles and get a free Jonas Brothers song, thus marking the first time you had to buy cheese before you could listen to it.
Now lest you think this movie is nothing more than a stage show, there’s also “behind the scenes” footage, because the best way to escape the scenes is to go behind them. Ideally a few miles behind them, but no such luck here.
It turns out the brothers themselves are making “surprise theater invasions” across the US, but what’s most surprising about this is that I thought these invasions were cut from the Defense Department budget.
So the tweenagers are screaming and yelling and crying and practicing signing their last names “Jonas.” I was the only person in the audience who hasn’t placed a tooth beneath their pillow in the previous six months, but I did place my 401k under my pillow and was thrilled to wake up and find a quarter.
The Jonas Brothers are a confection whipped up in the Disney lab between the Hannah Montana strawberry-flavored anthrax and the High School Musical laced with sugar-sweetened cyanide.
No wonder one of those D’s will always be “disappointing.”