The Watchmen

By Mark Ramsey | 2009/03/14

I can’t hear what Blue Man Group guy is saying because his penis speaks so loudly.

Dr. Manhattan is referred to as a “walking nuclear deterrent.”

“Yes, I carry a big stick,” said Dr. Manhattan, so named because his schlong is the size of an island.

Big blue penis in the lab, big blue penis on Mars, big blue penis about town. If exhibitionism is a super power, then VH1′s Rock of Love is the new Heroes.

This movie disappointed at the box office and I’ll give you a big flaccid blue reason why.

It’s all thanks to a horrible science accident which gave Dr. Manhattan the powers of a God. “And I used them primarily to build a gigantic moving sculpture on Mars,” he says. “One day, Cher and I will call this our home.”


Evidently, Dr. Manhattan was a tremendous asset to the U.S. in Vietnam where his blue schlong sprayed napalm at the hapless Viet Cong in some sort of Apocalypenis Now. “And,” added Manhattan, “my penis harvested the rice paddies and carried baskets on its head.”

Hey, big flaccid blue penis, what was it like to be in one of the most highly anticipated movies of the year?

“I loved posing for the cast photo. I’d swing my head to the right, I’d dangle my head to the left. I’d scoop up dust bunnies from the floor between photos. I’d stretch around corners to scare production assistants.”

Where are the powers?! There’s one hero whose primary power is the ability to hold a match in front of a spray can and shoot flame. Another has the super power to give crooks the finger. Most of these costumed heroes have the same kinds of super powers possessed by the costumed revelers on Halloween in the Castro.

“Here’s a blue-headed salute to Halloween in the Castro!” said Dr. Manhattan as she decorated her lab with a fabulous show of colored light and mirror balls.

I must say my favorite Watchman was The Comedian, who evidently even lacked the super power of being funny. Listen, if it’s a comedian you want, then put a dickie on Bruce Vilanch, who at least can punch lines like nobody’s business. If I had a dime for every crack about The Comedian “getting the last laugh” i’d pocket the entire opening weekend gross.


Here we have heroes who have sex together, which is the kind of heroism I tried and failed to achieve for years. The girls always go for the guy in the bird outfit – this must be what I did wrong in high school.

“John, the TV said you were on Mars,” said one hero to Naked Blue Man.

“I’m taking a break before Hugh Jackman and I headline a show in Vegas,” said Dr. Manhattan. “It’ll be called Jackman and Johnson, and there will actually be a negative number of straight guys in the audience.”

So by the end of the movie you realize that Armageddon is a good thing, and life goes on quite nicely a few months later. That’s almost as comforting as the feeling of wearing my blue penis to work.

“Nothing ends, nothing ever ends” go the final words of this movie. And after nearly four hours, I was fully prepared to agree.

The opening credit sequence alone is worth the price of admission – it’s masterful. But then begins a three hour and forty-three minute hang to the left. The Watchmen starts erect and gets increasingly flaccid and blue.


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