Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

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By Mark Ramsey | 2009/06/28

It’s one of the biggest hits of the year and the only one I’ve seen where I could literally feel the IQ points drip out of my skull as I watched it.

And as anyone who knows me will tell you, I can’t afford much dripping.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is two-and-a-half-hours long, two hours of which are spent watching cars and trucks transform into robots. These robots come from another planet where there’s evidently some evolutionary advantage to driving on the right side of the road.

If you’re going to send me a hero, I always say make it one with a built-in cup-holder, Michelins as hip-bling, and car doors for wings!

But what can you expect from a movie co-produced by the company that makes games which constitute obvious moviegoer warnings like “Risk” and “Sorry.” Next up from Hasbro comes the action-adventure “Mr. Potato Head and the Crystal Skull of My Little Pony.”

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“Punk-ass Decepticon!” shouts one Transformer using language learned from watching some version of MTV that transformed into actual music videos.

Sadly, the Sci Fi channel was hoping to make their own version of the Transformers saga. “Unfortunately,” said a spokesperson, “Erik Estrada and David Keith were unavailable.”

The aptly named Megan Fox is the hottie-tron once again matching half-wits and quarter-shorts with Shia LeBeouf. She works in the kind of garage you only see in movies and imagine in Whitesnake videos featuring Tawny Kitaen splayed out on a hood.

Shia goes off to a college where the academics may be dubious but the student body is a perfect ten, and there’s no shortage of majors in Advanced Nymphomania and Applied Bulimia. Forget the robots, let’s get back to the dorm mixer! Why save the world when all the Optimus Prime is in class?

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Reportedly, a frustrated Shia LeBeouf muttered “If I’m going to play opposite a robot, why not make it Scarlett Johansson?”

Get set for 150 minutes of dumb, vastly forgettable and redundant robot tussles, interspersed with coming-of-age chestnuts and commando strike forces. I ask you, what coming-of-age movie can’t be improved by commando strike forces?

“Only a ‘Prime’ can defeat ‘The Fallen,’” says one Decepticon inventing a mythology one script page at a time. “That means only a number divisible by itself and by ’1′,” he adds, quickly confusing that tiny part of the audience that wasn’t absorbed by the character arc that is Megan Fox’s cleavage.

Shia must find “the matrix of leadership” in order to stop the Decepticons from killing our sun, although by this point in the movie they have already killed our appetite, our soul, and our will to live.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is bound to be one of the biggest hits of the year, its box office grosses exceeded only by its overall air of crappiness.

Quality-bots, attack!

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