Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

By Mark Ramsey | 2009/07/19

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince opens with lots of folks reading newspapers – a sure sign that this is fiction if ever there was any. While it’s nice that the pictures in the newspaper move, let’s hope they can reach out and panhandle.

Our heroes are older now, but they have taken time out from writing their wills to return to Hogwarts, the school of their youth which now offers continuing education students the opportunity to learn retirement planning.

“Wands out!” someone yells as danger approaches.


“My wand has been out for years,” says Harry Potter. “And it’s still itching for a fight – which is better than that itch after my media tour of Thailand, if you know what I mean.”

“What’s with this Dark Lord Valdemort?” asked Hermione. “He can have the whole world but he can’t he stop haunting his elementary school! This would be like Madonna haunting Detroit.”

“I didn’t hear a word you said,” replied Ron Weasley. “I was too shocked that the trajectory of this story actually made us the unlikeliest couple since the leopard who nursed a baby baboon.”

Yes, Hermione and Wesley. I’d sooner expect matter and anti-matter to “give us a hug.”

It’s back to Hogwarts, where Dumbledore still wears his beard smartly twist-tied about half way down. “It’s called a ‘pony-beard,’” he says, as Maggie Smith looks on, wagging her finger at his hippie-freak insolence.

Ah, Maggie Smith. She hasn’t aged a bit since the first Harry Potter movie. Then and now, she doesn’t look a day over 90.

“You must be wondering why I summoned you, Harry” said Dumbledore.

“No,” said Harry, “but I am wondering why Alan Rickman reads past periods in his dialogue the way drunk drivers speed through a red light.”


“Yes, Rickman’s pauses are all in the wrong places, aren’t they?” said Dumbledore.

At that, the door burst open, and Alan Rickman strode in.

“Mr. Potter,” said Rickman, “how grand it must be to be the…”

As the minutes pass, Harry and Dumbledore regard each other in head-scratchng silence.

“…chosen one.”

“Punctuate-us Appreciate-us!” says Harry as he waves his wand.

With just a touch of Dumbledore’s arm, Harry Potter is transported through space. “I used to have young boys touch my wand,” said Dumbledore, “but that was before I was transported through space to Azkaban Prison.”

Here we meet Horace Slughorne, part man, part La-Z-Boy. “They wanted me to be a death eater,” explained Horace, “but I was more interested in eating mince pie and a custard tart.”

Pity young Draco Malfoy. “When your character’s name is the root of ‘Dracula,’ even a resemblance to Ricky Shroder can’t alter your fate,” said Malfoy.

Great Merlin’s Beard, there are a lot of identical twins in the world of Harry Potter! “Methinks there’s some fertility potion in the Yorkshire Pudding,” says Ron Weasley, as Hermione fans him with a palm branch and drops grapes into his mouth.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is a thoroughly enjoyable Summer ride – even the moment where all of Hogwarts pays tribute to a fallen hero the way concert-goers pay tribute to Bruce Springsteen.


One Response to “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”

  1. Becca says:

    okay, i’m a big fan of harry potter, and the half-blood prince is one of my favorite movies, but i have to say this review really cracked me up. (and honestly, when i started watching the movies i thought it was be harry and hermione, not ron and hermione. lol)


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