Sorority Row

By Mark Ramsey | 2009/09/14

What a cast! Audrina Partridge from TV’s “The Hills” – she who created and patented the “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” of vacant stares. Yes, I’ve had to pay to see her before, but until now the toll was strictly emotional.

While I fully expected Audrina to one day break into movies, I expected it to be on some dirtbag’s flipcam in a hotel room.

There’s the remarkable Leah Pipes, whose name is six degrees of separation from every double-entendre you’ve ever heard.


Lovely Briana Evigan, daughter of Greg Evigan, star of the fabled TV series B.J. and the Bear, where a trucker and his sole companion, a monkey named “Bear,” travel the highways of America discovering adventure and townsfolk who object to the idea of a chimp being transported across state lines for purposes of companionship and adventure. Suffice it to say, Briana has B-movies in her blood, no matter where it splatters and no matter what fraction may be simian.

There’s Rumer Willis, spawn of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, who has been signed by CAA not because of who her parents are but because compared to all the actors in all the world, she’s just that darned good. “Actually, we only compared her to all the actors named ‘Rumer,’” acknowledged one CAA representative.

And last but not least, we have Carrie Fisher. It was a long time ago in a galaxy far away that Carrie first captured our attention. Today, she’s toting a shotgun around a sorority house and growling out dialogue like she’s cheering on a cockfight. In a generation, Carrie has moved from Jabba the Hut to a job at the Pizza Hut – with plenty of extra cheese.

We open on a wild sorority party, where the girls jump on the bed, their pajama bottom flaps open to reveal their asses, and those don’t include the asses who green-lit this movie. Feathers fly everywhere, the booze flows freely, and we are again reminded of the many charitable activities of the Greek system, especially in the particularly charitable shower scene.

So Audrina plays dead to fool her boyfriend who must be punished for cheating on her. “I’m so good at playing dead because I’ve been practicing for this moment all my life,” says Audrina, which sparks even Carrie Fisher to exclaim “Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”

Unfortunately, things don’t go as planned when Audrina’s boyfriend decides that since she’s dead it would make sense to drive a tire iron into her chest. “Nobody had a silver bullet or a wooden stake, so I worked with what I had,” he explained.

The girls drop Audrina’s body into a shaft, and suddenly, we’re in the midst of one of the most horrific crimes ever committed by a bevy of young beauties while in underwear. It’s hard to take things seriously when a body is being dumped by a girl in a thong with “Ride me, big boy” on the front.

Well, this isn’t Audrina’s first encounter with a shaft, and God knows it won’t be her last.


Leah Pipes reminds the girls of their sorority motto: “Trust, Respect, Honor, Secrecy, Solidarity, Wash, Rinse, Repeat.”

This is followed by what is easily the best line in the entire movie: “Let’s wash off the blood and get back to the party.”

Fast-forward many months, and our girls are older but no wiser, perhaps because not a second of this college experience was spent in the orbit of a classroom.

A cloaked figure appears – and this cloaked figure will have his or her revenge! With a pimped-out (wait for it….) tire iron, yet.

“One needs to know how to pimp out a tire iron when your dad is B.J. and the Bear,” said Briana Evigan. “Dad always said there should be a law against high-speed grooming.”

One girl fesses up the heinous crime to her boyfriend. “If he blabs that’s orange jumpsuits for all of us,” warns Rumer Willis. “And our house mothers will be Luis Guzman and Danny Trejo.”

Who is killing these beautiful sorority girls, and how is it that Nancy Grace isn’t all over this story? Is it Audrina, back from the dead and now favoring dark colors, even in the spring? Or is it her sister who has her own score to settle by using sex as a weapon because she missed shop class the time they taught you how to pimp out a tire iron?

Fortunately the climax of this movie is shrouded by bubble bath, which has shrouded more than its fair share of climaxes.

Who will emerge from the bubbles alive? And will they insert comedic remarks into all the wrong places, by which I mean pretty much all the places?

See for yourself.

Or, more wisely, don’t.


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