Halloween II

By Mark Ramsey | 2009/11/01

This past Halloween weekend the powers-that-be at Dimension Films re-released Halloween II into theaters nationwide because, evidently, we didn’t ignore it resoundingly enough when it nose-dived and crash-landed into theaters the first time.

Scout Taylor-Compton returns as Laurie, and I can honestly say I don’t know which of her three names I’m least interested in.

Director Rob Zombie’s wife, Sheri Moon Zombie, returns from the other side of Rob’s bed and from the dead as a Holy spectre, a willowy white spirit with a big white horse meant to symbolize all manner of symbolized white symbols. If it’s “purity” that this is supposed to represent, then someone should remind Rob that this is a sequel to a remake.

Let’s call Jennifer Love Hewitt and have long and emotional dialogues with this spirit so she can move into the light and Love can go back to her day job of not selling even a single antique.

halloween2_michael.jpgThe tension builds as Laurie attempts to escape the unstoppable Michael Myers so she can live to see the day where she, too, can pitch Activia yogurt – and believe me, Scout, that day is coming sooner than you think. Scout’s honor.

Enter a world where every TV in Haddonfield is tuned to a grainy music video of the Moody Blues doing Nights in White Satin. That’s as likely as Brian Williams opening the NBC Nightly News with the headline: “World names Mr. T its new King.”

Evidently, this music video is on an endless loop on every cable channel all Halloween night punctuated only by ads for Snuggies and pleas to turn your gold into cash. But who needs cash or a wardrobe that doubles as a blanket when the Moody Blues is whispering for you to slit your wrists?

So Laurie’s a little crazy, and Margot Kidder is her therapist! Talk about the pot counseling the kettle black! Said Kidder, speaking from her home in the bushes behind the set, “I blame it all on the thin air during those high altitude romantic fly-by’s with Superman.”

Added Rob Zombie, “Margot was a trooper – she even wore her good teeth for the role.”

So Laurie and her friends are badder and Gothier and more Zombie-licious than most babes their age. And Dr. Loomis is now a best-selling author, who answers the question “Will Michael kill again?” thus:

“As long as the Weinstein brothers own the franchise and can make sequels for dirt-cheap – Yes.”

But the weakest moment by far is when Loomis is featured on Haddonfield’s own version of the Jay Leno show beside guest Weird Al Yankovic. Wow, who’s up next, Charo, Alan Thicke, Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp?

It seems like Rob’s main purpose here was to kill off everyone from the previous film so whoever has the sorry task of picking up from here will get to start all over again. And mercy me, that would be the best place to start.

Halloween II doesn’t have a single scary second. It’s just one savage murder after another. And no humor, just 100 minutes of brutal and boring un-fun.

Maybe the Weinsteins will keep re-releasing this movie until it finds an audience.

Try releasing it with a homing beacon and a GPS device, boys.


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