It’s as if the filmmakers took a series of Calvin Klein billboards and shuffled them at 24 frames per second.
When I think “saga” I think “a sweeping tale of action and adventure crossing continents,” not “high school girl copes with sudden breakup and mopes through three seasons in one chair as camera spins around her.”
Then again, if you’re an audience whose most memorable life experience was the time the Jamba Juice at the mall ran out of Strawberry Nirvanas, New Moon is like Lawrence of Arabia – if Lawrence was a girl dressed in plaid who drove a truck and never left her small town except the time she flew to Italy to watch her boyfriend remove his shirt before an audience of Italian revelers.
By the way, Italy is where the vampire royalty lives – all three queens.
If this is “sweeping,” it’s thanks to a Swiffer. New Moon is more “soggy” than “saga,” not that it matters to the millions who have had been sucking the Kool-Aid from the Twilight teat for some time now. Then again, maybe I’m too far removed from My Pretty Pony and Easy-Bake Ovens.
Bella’s back, and so is Edward, her wavy-haired boyfriend with the pasty face and the Cover Girl lipstick.
“Do I go for the guy without the shirt or the guy with the lipstick? What does my gut tell me? The one who doesn’t fret for lack of clothes or the one with the lighted vanity who lives with a family of salon stylists? What would Liza Minnelli do?”
Edward is over 100 now but is still in high school. “At least I’m auditing,” he explains, rather defensively.
Bella is anxious about aging as Edward remains ageless.
“I’m not the cougar type,” she explains.
“I didn’t hear a word you’re saying because I’m busy pouting moodily,” says Edward, whose face is the only thing in this movie that sparkles in the sun.
After barely a few moments of brooding, Edward is out of the movie – except for occasional ghost sightings where his role is strictly parental:
“Eat all your peas!”
With that, he dissolves into thin air – the same kind of thin air that is causing audiences to hallucinate that this movie is any good.
“I’m going to travel the world with a Peter Allen tribute band,” he explains to a shocked Bella. “Somewhere I’ll find another plaid-clad girl named after a dog, no matter how long it may take.”
“Now you know why I shine like sequins in the sun!”
What can you say about a girl who can’t find a boyfriend unless he’s either dead or runs with dogs?
Bella takes a motorcycle for a spin while transparent images of Edward flash by like billboards.
“I wish those Cullens would stop buying outdoor advertising,” said Bella’s friend Jake. “Do we really need to know there’s both a Holiday Inn and a salon-styled Cullen twelve miles ahead?”
Picture Bella’s surprise when her best friend turns out to be a giant dog!
“I was hoping for a teddy bear or Curious George,” said Bella who seemed less focused on Gothic curses than on what type of stuffed animals were piled on her bed.
“Dogs, vampires….my miserable life would be so much less complicated if I were ugly or maybe French,” exclaims Bella.
Will Bella sacrifice her life for eternal youth? Or will she simply go under the knife like everybody else in Hollywood?
“Losing my life and my soul is a small price to pay for the benefit of running in slow motion like the Six Million Dollar Man,” she said.
So what have we learned:
1. If you can’t have the love you want, try to kill yourself.
2. If you’re a vampire in a convertible, dress like Audrey Hepburn
3. No shirts, no shoes, no obstacles to box office bonanza!
4. You can buy back your life from the Volturi with tickets to Bette Midler
5. No vampire kills during Fashion Week!
6. All fighting should resemble highly stylized interpretive dance
If you wish you weren’t too young for Mary Kate and Ashley, then New Moon is made for you.