The Lovely Bones

By Mark Ramsey | 2009/12/10

I’m not particularly against lovely bones, but frankly I’d prefer action sequence bones, bones based on the graphic novel, or Jerry Bruckheimer’s bones, featuring Johnny Depp.

And if the bones could fly, travel through time, or battle with Cylons, so much the better.

The Lovely Bones was one of those books that everybody read, and by “everybody” I mean everybody who watched Oprah.

“I was fourteen when I was murdered on December 6, 1973,” says the voiceover, “but you’re never too dead to produce a punchy voiceover.”

We open on a sno-globe.  The only other movie that did that was Citizen Kane, and the hero died at the beginning of that one, too.  Kane was the greatest American movie of all time, while this one is the greatest reminder that corduroy sports jackets and turtlenecks look better on Carl Sagan than on you.

What’s with the crafts in this movie?  Mom knits, dad makes ships in bottles, and Stanley Tucci, the child-killer, builds dollhouses.  “I used to be a Bedazzler,” said bad guy Tucci, “but even children aren’t attracted to the wondrous fashion miracle of rhinestones and gleaming studs embedded in things nature never intended them to be embedded in.”

Until The Lovely Bones, I never knew that ships in bottles were inserted into bottles pre-built, then simply unfurled!  How hard can that be!?  I thought this stuff was actually built in the bottle, like the life of Mel Gibson!

Doesn’t anyone on this block own Pong?

1973, that was before missing kids were plastered on milk cartons – before milk drinkers were made responsible for solving the child abduction problem while those of us drinking Coke were forced to look inside bottle caps for reward codes.

1973, that was before Nancy Grace was on top of this problem for every second of every day and for years at a time in a style so over-the-top she and her production staff should dress like clowns and pile into a VW Beetle.

Stanley Tucci reached into his closet and pulled out his scary hair for this role.  “Kevin Spacey and I share the same scary hair closet,” said Stanley.  “Although a few pieces are on loan to Ted Danson and Bill Shatner.  And one piece shaped like the Goddess Isis is traveling with the King Tut exhibit.”

Once our hero is killed we enter the Ghost Whispering phase of this movie, albeit a phase with roughly $100 million worth of FX.  Is Susie in Heaven?  Or just a purgatory of blue screens?

“So this is what death is like!” says Dead Susie as she frolics with butterflies on the grassy, sun-dappled hillsides wearing hats matched to outfits.  Death is an endless field of corn, and I only partially mean that as a pun.

“Death is one big TV commercial for Claritin!” she says, running across the nether world between Heaven and Earth – or the ad minutes between Cops and America’s Most Wanted.

Said director Peter Jackson:  “This movie tracks the book very closely, except we added more Orcs.”

Leave it to Christopher from The Sopranos to solve this crime – or not.  You know you’re in trouble when the favorite TV show of the cop in charge is Law & Order: “SUV.”

I think I’m speaking for the entire audience when I say this is the first time I learned something from a 14-year-old that didn’t come in a TXT message.

I prefer the TXT message.

Now, Lovely Bones, go into the light….


One Response to “The Lovely Bones”

  1. Zonkie the Great says:

    It sucks that much??? That’s terrible! Damn you Peter Jackson!!!

    The book was pretty good, and NO I DON’T FOLLOW OPRAH.


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