Avatar

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By Mark Ramsey | 2009/12/15

Anytime a filmmaker wants to spend $300 million of somebody else’s money to entertain me for a couple hours, who am I to stand in their way?

Avatar is that movie, and James Cameron is that filmmaker.  People say Avatar might be the future of movies.  I guess they mean the future of movies with $300 million to spend.

It has been eleven years and four or five wives since Jim Cameron was King of the World, and now he’s back with a vengeance. “YOU try supporting five broads on residuals from Titanic,” explained Cameron. “At this pace, I will be down the aisle with Zsa Zsa Gabor before I’m down the aisle on my next epic adventure.”

Much will be made of the photorealistic magic of Avatar – until you realize that you’re watching photorealistic blue creatures with tails riding flying dinosaurs.  It’s hard to assess the bar for “realism” when a character is a distant cousin to Jar Jar Binks.  “Me-sa Avatar!”

“Our goal is for the characters to look at least as real as Denise Richards,” said Cameron, “whom I have already penciled in as wife number 16.”

Yes, lots of loving care was invested in making you believe that blue creatures with tails can fly reptiles with wings and shoot arrows at airborne troop ships and helicopters.  “Rhoopie!” said guest star Scooby-Doo who was right at home on the planet of Pandora, where Scooby snacks grow wild on “Mystery Machine” trees.

“I think  that was Scooby-Doo shooting an arrow at our impenetrable metallic exterior!” said the buffed-beyond belief Colonel.  “Jinkies!”

It was only a matter of time until science mixed human and alien DNA in order to infiltrate alien ranks, as if inventing new life forms was no big deal, science was an episode of Top Chef, and the resulting hybrid being was served with a side of baked asparagus and sherry-glazed beets

And why is getting nice-nice with the locals so important?  Because they are living on precious natural resources, that’s why! It’s an element called “unobtainium” that the military is really after. That’s “unobtainium,” not “easy-to-obtainium,” so perhaps the military should settle for something really easy, like “Kardashium” or “Real-Housewives-of-Orange-Countium.”

The essential science of Avatar involves researchers in tanks projecting their minds into real-world avatars.  “This is the same school of science that swapped the mind of Bugs Bunny with that of a chicken,” explained Sigourney Weaver.

Leave it to Sigourney to the be only star in this movie who manufactures an avatar half her age and twice her endowment. “Most girls go under the knife for this,” explained Sigourney. “I didn’t even have to go under Cameron.”

Sam Worthington’s avatar finds love with a blue local with an accent suggesting she’s from the Pandoran island of Jamaica.  “Sit beneath the Tree of Souls and smoke some ganja, man. Let’s groove to Bob Marley’s avatar!”

Explains Worthington, “There’s something sexy about her almost complete lack of clothes and the absence of any signs of or hopes for genitalia.  I think Cameron forgot to mix some bits with these bytes.”

Cameron has described Avatar as “a celebration of nature,” and it surely is an eco-adventure of woolly mammoth proportions.  Avatar amounts to a very elaborate Cavalry and Indians fable.  “I’m sure the fact that I rented Dances with Wolves one night had nothing whatsoever to do with the script I wrote for Avatar the very next day,” said Cameron.

Our heroes tour the famous floating mountains of Pandora.

“But if they float, can they be called mountains?” asked Sam.

“Sam, we’re on a planet where the people are blue with tails and ride flying dinosaurs,” replied Sigourney Weaver.

“Point taken,” said Sam.

Once Sam’s avatar “becomes a man” he may choose a woman to be his bride.

“Is that how Cameron chose his five brides?”

“We do not discuss the mating choices of The Cameron God on this planet,” said Klaatu Barada Nikto, Pandora’s King.  “It was Cameron who negotiated our action figures for McDonalds.  You see, for my nature-loving people, the symbolism of being free inside the ecological miracle of a Happy Meal was fortune almost too great to bear.”

So humans are intent on mowing down Eden for its natural resources.  Will the natives rise up and resist?  Just in case, let’s wage a preemptive attack.  We’ll stage a “shock and awe” campaign – even so referenced in the movie.  General Brownie, you’ve done a heckuva job!  Mission accomplished!

The MPAA was spooked by one thing:  The inter-species love between Sam’s hybrid character and the pure alien character.  Said MPAA head Dan Glickman, “In general we’re against inter-species sex, unless Roman Polanski is one of the species.”

By the end, the music swells and Celine Dion, who already resembles an inhabitant of Pandora, belts out the Theme from Avatar.

This much is certain about Sci-Fi Cameron: He will live long and prosper.

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45 Responses to “Avatar”

  1. Keith says:

    This review is idiotic.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I know you are, but what am I? Wait, that’s even more idiotic than my review.

    [Reply]

    Wilbur Like Smith Reply:

    You obviously don’t get the point of movie Juice… lol at reply

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Shh! Don’t tell him!

    [Reply]

  2. Ames says:

    “Leave it to Sigourney to the be only star in this movie who manufactures an avatar half her age and twice her endowment. “Most girls go under the knife for this,” explained Sigourney. “I didn’t even have to go under Cameron.”

    CLASSIC!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Ha, thanks! On behalf of Sigourney Weaver.

    [Reply]

  3. Mitch says:

    I laughed, I cried, I ate Jujube eyeballs.

    [Reply]

  4. Steve says:

    I get it you are clever. But some times you should just give a good movie review. I would not even consider that a good rant.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well now my feelings are hurt. As a result I’m going to write the same kind of movie reviews you can only get in a zillion other places. Thanks for making me better!

    [Reply]

  5. Rob says:

    PLEASE do not change the style with which you review movies (I know you won’t). That’s why we’re here!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Okay, you have brought me back from the brink! Thanks Rob! :-)

    [Reply]

  6. BJ says:

    I love these reviews and so do all 10 people on our team!!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    To quote the great Christian Bale….”Oh, Goood for yooooouuuu!” Thanks BJ

    [Reply]

  7. Zonkie the Great says:

    So this was a good movie??? It looks like an epic borefest to me.

    btw, love your reviews! :)

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Definitely not boring. But blue is not my color. Yes, good movie! Not “best of the year” material, though! But who cares.

    [Reply]

  8. Jojo says:

    Not to tell you how to do you job, Mark, but the singer who sings the them at the end of the film Leona Lewis, not Celine Dion

    Overall solid review, however. Can’t wait to see it in theaters.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Unlike everything else in the review, that was just a joke.

    [Reply]

    Jojo Reply:

    Leon Lewis kind of resembles a Navi herself

    In a good way, though.

    [Reply]

  9. Kevin Darbro says:

    Mark:

    As always, thanks for the skewed view that is probably spot-on.

    [Reply]

  10. CW says:

    Nice review! It is hilarious how the same moronic critics who howled about the men of Twilight taking off their shirts during New Moon see nothing odd in the fact that every female space alien is humanoid and wears only either body paint and jewelry or lingerie. I say if you can’t sell a Halloween costume of your lead female character to little girls your movie bombs because females are 52% of the population. If you can only sell the costume of your lead female to gay men (Catwoman) you have sunk lower than a bomb. Time will tell.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That is a sharp and perceptive comment!

    Especially since I’m the moronic critic you speak of!

    And here’s my answer: The female Avatars might as well have been fully clothed because no matter the extent of their gymnastic tribulations. all their privates remained under the leafy and feathery equivalent of a full length body stocking. So there it is, in my mind, that was a body stocking!

    And, for the record, the men of Twilight would have been easier to take if they wore one too.

    [Reply]

  11. CW says:

    Did they really put Avatar characters in Happy Meals?! Cause little girls know BS when they see it and they are going to be biting the heads off and spitting them in the garbage. Maybe they should have done the male characters and given the little girls color books featuring the wild life and glow in the dark mini pens.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes!

    And I’m hoping for the YouTube vid of those girls biting off the avatar heads. Someone has to.

    [Reply]

  12. Mak says:

    Give 1000 monkeys $300 million worth of blue paint and they’d come up with Avatar.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Good line!

    [Reply]

  13. Espo says:

    While you point out accurately that Weaver stated she did not have to go under Cameron for her so very obvious award winning part I wouldn’t see this if Cameron went under water turned blue himself with 300 M in his pockets to weigh him down. Great insight as always it is as if you have a body stocking on while this was being developed….Keep up the good work! I am going to see the ever cheerful Lonely Bones for the 16th time!

    [Reply]

  14. Jr. says:

    It’s Leona Lewis who sings “I See You”. Funny review. I enjoyed reading it.

    [Reply]

  15. tim says:

    I just happened to wander into this site.

    Hey, have fun cracking yourself up with each barb wittier then the next.

    I’m sure you spend a great deal of time with a finger hovering on the refresh button. Also many hours re reading each pearl that drops from your oh so deep pool of wisdom.

    Yeah, you have your niche, I guess, and your fans will lap up this kind of tripe ….I get it.

    What I don’t get is how you don’t see that you’re a one trick pony…..while making it the basis of the complaints you make in every “review” you write.

    carve away

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well at least I’m a pony, Tim!

    And I hope you’re not being sarcastic, because that would be mean to the pony.

    [Reply]

  16. tim says:

    yeah…..a whole 15 minutes went by before you responded. Thanks for making my point. And by the way, your response is as empty as your “reviews”

    Do you do this sitting in front of a mirror?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I am here to serve, Tim. And no, I don’t sit in front of a mirror, but that’s a good idea – I’ll try it!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    By the way, any time I can support your point, let’s hope it’s the one on top of your head.

    [Reply]

    dan Reply:

    LOL.

    movie juice = awesomeness.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Coolest….comment….ever.

  17. max says:

    Like Tim, I also happened to randomly stumble upon this site. I read a few of your “reviews” and while I don’t necessarily get or agree with most of your sense of humor, I still managed to find a few decent gems of laugh out loud hilarity. I appreciate that you’re trying a different approach to film critiquing through humor, but it would be helpful if at the same time, you could actually give your readers something to take away from the review. Even just a little a paragraph at the end summing it all up and giving us at least an idea as to what you thought of the film…. And btw, Avatar was incredible.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Hi Max, that’s what the new graphic rating is for at the top of all the rant pages.

    Thanks for the comments.

    [Reply]

    dan Reply:

    “Even just a little a paragraph at the end summing it all up and giving us at least an idea as to what you thought of the film”

    uh, what part of “This much is certain about Sci-Fi Cameron: He will live long and prosper” did you not get?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’ll try. Thanks!

    max Reply:

    Thanks Mark for pointing that out to me. And Dan, “This much is certain about Sci-Fi Cameron: He will live long and prosper”, does not tell me anything about how the reviewer felt about the film. He’s basically stating that he knows it will be successful but he’s not telling me why.

    dan Reply:

    sorry, my reply was meant for max.

    as for review summations Mark, i find that the last line or paragraph in most of your reviews to be a nice summation/recommendation of the film. why some people read your site and insist that you give a good, clear thumbs up at the end, i don’t know. there’s always ebert for that right?

    you rock and make the world of cinema awesome.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks man!

    [Reply]

  18. Sean says:

    Stop. Writing. Please.

    You are an AWFUL WRITER.

    You are UNFUNNY IN THE WORST WAY.

    You come across as A SMUG DIPSHIT.

    You’re appealing to the lowest common denominator possible (those without knowledge of humor, those that laugh at Jeff Dunham, etc.), but if making retards laugh gets you some jollies… well, no. I can’t accept that. Stop it.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Again, comments from a guy with “Count Chocula” in his email address.

    [Reply]

  19. Robert Mugabe says:

    You are Zimbabwian national hero and, I Robert Mugade invite you to my winter palace of death!

    [Reply]

  20. sizeable says:

    I counted aereola at least 7 times and if I saw it again, I know I could spy labia. So, that makes this a great movie… when you pay $40 to catch a glimpse of a cartoon’s squidgy bits, that means somebody has done their job. 20 million middle school boys will buy the dvd. And, I will wait for them to post frame captures of said bits.

    [Reply]

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