Avatar is that movie, and James Cameron is that filmmaker. People say Avatar might be the future of movies. I guess they mean the future of movies with $300 million to spend.
It has been eleven years and four or five wives since Jim Cameron was King of the World, and now he’s back with a vengeance. “YOU try supporting five broads on residuals from Titanic,” explained Cameron. “At this pace, I will be down the aisle with Zsa Zsa Gabor before I’m down the aisle on my next epic adventure.”
Much will be made of the photorealistic magic of Avatar – until you realize that you’re watching photorealistic blue creatures with tails riding flying dinosaurs. It’s hard to assess the bar for “realism” when a character is a distant cousin to Jar Jar Binks. “Me-sa Avatar!”
“Our goal is for the characters to look at least as real as Denise Richards,” said Cameron, “whom I have already penciled in as wife number 16.”
Yes, lots of loving care was invested in making you believe that blue creatures with tails can fly reptiles with wings and shoot arrows at airborne troop ships and helicopters. “Rhoopie!” said guest star Scooby-Doo who was right at home on the planet of Pandora, where Scooby snacks grow wild on “Mystery Machine” trees.
“I think that was Scooby-Doo shooting an arrow at our impenetrable metallic exterior!” said the buffed-beyond belief Colonel. “Jinkies!”
It was only a matter of time until science mixed human and alien DNA in order to infiltrate alien ranks, as if inventing new life forms was no big deal, science was an episode of Top Chef, and the resulting hybrid being was served with a side of baked asparagus and sherry-glazed beets
And why is getting nice-nice with the locals so important? Because they are living on precious natural resources, that’s why! It’s an element called “unobtainium” that the military is really after. That’s “unobtainium,” not “easy-to-obtainium,” so perhaps the military should settle for something really easy, like “Kardashium” or “Real-Housewives-of-Orange-Countium.”
The essential science of Avatar involves researchers in tanks projecting their minds into real-world avatars. “This is the same school of science that swapped the mind of Bugs Bunny with that of a chicken,” explained Sigourney Weaver.
Leave it to Sigourney to the be only star in this movie who manufactures an avatar half her age and twice her endowment. “Most girls go under the knife for this,” explained Sigourney. “I didn’t even have to go under Cameron.”
Sam Worthington’s avatar finds love with a blue local with an accent suggesting she’s from the Pandoran island of Jamaica. “Sit beneath the Tree of Souls and smoke some ganja, man. Let’s groove to Bob Marley’s avatar!”
Explains Worthington, “There’s something sexy about her almost complete lack of clothes and the absence of any signs of or hopes for genitalia. I think Cameron forgot to mix some bits with these bytes.”
Cameron has described Avatar as “a celebration of nature,” and it surely is an eco-adventure of woolly mammoth proportions. Avatar amounts to a very elaborate Cavalry and Indians fable. “I’m sure the fact that I rented Dances with Wolves one night had nothing whatsoever to do with the script I wrote for Avatar the very next day,” said Cameron.
Our heroes tour the famous floating mountains of Pandora.
“But if they float, can they be called mountains?” asked Sam.
“Sam, we’re on a planet where the people are blue with tails and ride flying dinosaurs,” replied Sigourney Weaver.
“Point taken,” said Sam.
Once Sam’s avatar “becomes a man” he may choose a woman to be his bride.
“Is that how Cameron chose his five brides?”
“We do not discuss the mating choices of The Cameron God on this planet,” said Klaatu Barada Nikto, Pandora’s King. “It was Cameron who negotiated our action figures for McDonalds. You see, for my nature-loving people, the symbolism of being free inside the ecological miracle of a Happy Meal was fortune almost too great to bear.”
So humans are intent on mowing down Eden for its natural resources. Will the natives rise up and resist? Just in case, let’s wage a preemptive attack. We’ll stage a “shock and awe” campaign – even so referenced in the movie. General Brownie, you’ve done a heckuva job! Mission accomplished!
The MPAA was spooked by one thing: The inter-species love between Sam’s hybrid character and the pure alien character. Said MPAA head Dan Glickman, “In general we’re against inter-species sex, unless Roman Polanski is one of the species.”
By the end, the music swells and Celine Dion, who already resembles an inhabitant of Pandora, belts out the Theme from Avatar.
This much is certain about Sci-Fi Cameron: He will live long and prosper.