“…but what good’s that when you can transform him into a hooligan man-slut who quips his way through a movie like he’s Alan Thicke to Dr. Watson’s Kirk Cameron.”
So says director Guy Ritchie.
“We took a dash of intellect and smothered it with heaping gobs of Chris Tucker, Owen Wilson, and Jackie Chan,” said Ritchie, “just as I was smothered by Madonna for eight glacially slow years.”
Yes, Warner Bros. had $80 million in spare change burning a hole in its pocket, so why not give it to the guy who wrote and directed Swept Away, Madonna’s awful vanity project and one of the best reasons to pluck out your own eyes in the history of cinema.
From the moment Robert Downey Jr. awkwardly puts on his best phony accent, we know we’re in the presence of a movie that’s more interested in setting up its sequel than in justifying its own existence. If Guy Ritchie is going to screw us, shouldn’t we have him tested for STD’s first? Especially given where he has been.
“My action figure will by my reward,” said Jude Law.
Listen, I didn’t like this movie when it was called Wild Wild West, and I don’t like it now.
The filmmakers have the gall to suggest that the contents of this movie are true to the original source literature. I’d sooner believe that psychics spit ectoplasm and fairies dance in the forest. And only a fool and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle would believe that!
Something tells me the only good deduction likely to come from this Sherlock Holmes is a tax deduction for Warner Bros.
From the opening scene where Holmes attempts to retrieve a Golden Idol from a cave before a giant boulder rolls him over, we’ve seen it all before. And trust me, that will be the last Golden Idol coming within snatching distance of Sherlock Holmes.
“Holmes,” said Jude Law as Dr. Watson, “my hair seems to be vanishing faster than memories of ‘A Study in Scarlet.’”
“Elementary, my dear Watson,” replied Holmes. “You are not only going bald before achieving A-list star status, but you’re the British guy playing second fiddle to an American as one of the best-known British characters of all time. I’m surprised you aren’t pulling out each hair by the root manually – the way the audience is.”
As ever, Holmes has keen powers of observation.
“You hooked up with your nanny, Watson,” said Holmes after much studying.
“That’s amazing, Holmes, was it a fleck of lipstick on my collar? Was it the faint scent of her favorite fragrance, L’Air du Temps by Nina Ricci?
“No, I saw the video on TMZ!”
How do you make Robert Downey Jr. look like he belongs in 19th Century England? You blow-dry his hair!
“When I first emerged from makeup I thought I was shooting a David Copperfield bio-pic,” said Downey.
“Holmes’ vast and unparalleled deductive powers have served me well,” said Downey, “except when applied to this script.”
I don’t know about you, but when I think about Sherlock Holmes, my first thought isn’t “supernaturally-laced plot to dominate the world.” I wouldn’t trust the end of the world to Robert Downey Jr. if the end of the world was the buried treasure at the bottom of a big pile of blow.
“You and I are bound on a journey that will twist the very fabric of nature,” Lord Blackwood tells Downey.
“That explains the origin of the expression, ‘get your panties in a bunch,’” said Downey.
The villain, Lord Blackwood, dies – and miraculously returns to life!
“Just like Madonna’s career after the Girlie Show World Tour,” said Ritchie.
“The world as you know it will end,” says Lord Blackwood.
If only that end had come before production started.
At least it’s not too late to stop Sherlock II, which (naturally) is already in pre-production.
I’d show you the script, but my Hound of the Baskervilles ate it.