The Book of Eli

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By Mark Ramsey | 2010/01/10

In The Book of Eli, Denzel Washington is a sharp-shooter, an expert archer, a machete-wielding fighter, a slave-girl magnet, and – like all killing machines – a Biblical scholar.

What?!

“And God said ‘let there be light between a man’s head and his shoulders,’” said Denzel, as he carved through one bad guy after another.

Yes, Denzel fights with the intensity of a hundred Priceline Negotiators!

“If I could shill for ShamWow, I could do it all!” he said.  ”In fact, I can’t even slice through lettuce,” he ruefully acknowledged, tearing his salad by hand into bite-sized chunks.

The end of the world is upon us and what’s left looks like HBO’s Deadwood with more horseless carriages and more expletives deleted. Nobody knows how to read books but the old folks, which sounds just like the pre-apocalyptic world, if you ask me.

It’s nuclear winter, and Denzel gets his clothes off the rack – by which I mean the dead guy hanging from the rack.

He bathes by sticking a moist towelette down his pants. “I saw Kim Kardashian do this in a Carl’s Jr. commercial,” said Denzel, “but I think her towelette wore a HazMat suit and had to be doused with a fire hose.”

And what triggered this apocalypse?  ”It’s been 31 years since the flash,” says Denzel. And I hope he’s not talking about that time Britney Spears got out of her car.

Denzel is a “walker,” strolling eternally West to a destination that is a big surprise, if only because what happens there is so unbelievable it should have written by Dr Seuss, narrated by Boris Karloff, and finished off with a Roast Beast.

Enter Gary Oldman, the go-to guy for crazy old villains. Oldman runs the dusty, ramshackle town with an iron fist and a gang of thugs modeled after the fashion stylings of Rob Zombie.  Not since Godzilla rampaged Tokyo has a monster with such bad skin ruined a town!

What’s this, both crazy old Gary Oldman and crazy old Malcolm McDowell in the same movie?  Until now, I wasn’t even sure these were different actors!  Cue the on-set pharmacy!

“While the rest of the crew is lunching at craft services, we’ll be chewing on scenery,” said McDowell, dabbing his mouth with a napkin after finishing off a production assistant.

Flashdancer Jennifer Beals returns to the big screen as a blind woman in a portrayal so unconvincing, her braille has to jump off the page and read itself. “Oh, what a feeling!” the raised markings sing, as Jennifer’s fingers caress them with all the tenderness that comes from a career headed to the actor’s perp-gatory called Law & Order.

Where’s the color in this color motion picture? The Book of Eli is saturated in the kind of sepia tone you can’t usually get in a photo unless you dress as a cowboy at the mall.

Denzel has a book and everyone wants it. Especially, Commissioner Gordon, er, Gary Oldman.

“Is that the Rachel Ray cookbook?” asked Oldman. “I want to whip up something delightful for my thugs.”

The Book of Eli is like a fly throwing itself at your closed window – it means well.  But after Eli, 2012, and The Road, if I never see another end-of-the-world movie between now and the end of the world, it will be too soon.

Personally, I prefer my Biblical scholars to be unarmed and comparatively unskilled in Martial Arts.

And to keep their machetes on the mantel.

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151 Responses to “The Book of Eli”

  1. Dirtmcgehrk says:

    What about Michael Buble? Did he have a very big role in the movie or was it just a cameo?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I wouldn’t recognize Michael Buble if he sang at my Bar Mitzvah.

    [Reply]

  2. Jimbo Jones says:

    YOU MISSPELLED “MANTLE” U FAG
    I really liked your review, actually. Gary Whitta is a hack. When I was 12 years old, I read an excerpt from his terrible screenplay for Tomb Raider that he’d posted on PC Gamer’s website (he was EIC at the time.) I thought that he was deluding himself to aspire to a future in Hollywood. ANYWAYS cut to now and he’s given us a derivative cash-in on Fallout/The Road whatever. Thanks for the lols, dogg

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Sorry, Mr. Smarty-Pants, http://www.thefreedictionary.com/mantel.

    Thanks for the note! Your freaked me out for a moment.

    [Reply]

  3. TommyB says:

    2 minutes for showing a penis is almost a lifetime especially when it’s just hangin’ there.
    Talkin’ bout the meaning of ‘animation’…

    [Reply]

  4. Eric says:

    Exhibit A of what happens when you give a troll both a platform and a paycheck to spread his inanities around the net.

    I mean seriously, it’s one thing to slap together a collage of random pop-culture catchphrases and try to pass it off as an official movie critique… but to follow it up by responding to every comment with childish/meaningless retorts aimed at masking your embarrassment?

    Seriously Mark (and I truly mean this as genuinely as I can)… consider taking a few remedial creative-writing courses, and try to jot down a couple notes on how to better structure your sentences.

    Just do yourself the favor, and perhaps in the future you might avoid turning into the butt of a joke on your own site.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You said “butt.” heh.

    [Reply]

  5. Luke says:

    God doesn’t need a gun.

    [Reply]

  6. ameem says:

    After reading this review, I couldn’t tell if you were a movie critic or a comedian. But I suppose it doesn’t really matter, because you suck at both. Find a new career.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thank Heaven for consistency.

    [Reply]

  7. Dirtmcgehrk says:

    Jeez just answer my question. It’s like you’ll only respond to people trying to pick a fight with you.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    No it’s not like that. It IS that.

    [Reply]

  8. Good Luck says:

    You are obviously very insecure, you actually read your comments? That is pathetic. The only affirmation one needs is from within, but you are differemt, you obviously have no ego identity. If someone says you are a great movie critic, or a bad movie critic, it really does not matter. Actually let me rephrase that, it should not matter to those who can define themselves by their own terms. I got three sentences into your review and stopped, it was horrid. You could comment on this and tell me how I should have given you a chance or say “oh so it was so bad that you felt the need to comment?”, but I wouldn’t care because I am secure of who I am and what I like to do. And I like to poke at people’s flaws.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I always worry about the “secure” ones who need to poke at people’s flaws.

    [Reply]

  9. You suck says:

    what excuse of a review was this piece of crap? So unfunny that you embarrassed me. I’m serious, this review told me nothing except how freaking unfunny you are.
    “And what triggered this apocalypse? ”It’s been 31 years since the flash,” says Denzel. And I hope he’s not talking about that time Britney Spears got out of her car.”
    WTF JOKES ARE YOU MAKING? THATS NOT FUNNY

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’ll explain the reference to you later.

    [Reply]

  10. Reader says:

    Reviewer, your attempts at humor were not merely unfunny, but they made this review a chore to read. You sound borderline schizophrenic from the way that your references and punchlines presumably only make complete sense to you, and I still don’t really know much about the movie.

    0/10 for your review, asshole.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Sounds like you could use more chores.

    [Reply]

  11. Phil says:

    This guy always has some stupid shit to say about a movie… at least he doesn’t let anyone push him around in the comment section!

    [Reply]

  12. Sean says:

    Wow. That was quite possibly one of the most self-serving, PoS reviews I’ve ever read. You didn’t review the movie, you made up lame quotes that do nothing but make pop-culture references at a level of humor far below Family Guy. That’s saying something.

    Please, stop. This is trash pure and simple. I don’t know what else to say to you, rarely do I feel real embarrassment for any reason when reading something on the internet… but you, sir, are painfully unfunny.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That from a guy with “Count Chocula” in his email address.

    [Reply]

    Sean Reply:

    I’ve had this email since I was 12, and I stand by it simply because I love the cereal. If you find it childish or otherwise, I could give you my ‘professional’ email address.

    But that is called ad hominem my friend. My generic email address I use to soak up spam has no relevance to the fault I find in your inane babble.

    I do appreciate the response though!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’ll remember “ad hominem” when I’m eating my FrankenBerry.

  13. Andrew says:

    What?

    [Reply]

  14. Taylor Sullivan says:

    Was this suppose to be funny?? :|

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t know, but I do know that “suppose” was supposed to be spelled with a “d”

    [Reply]

  15. Imajicka1 says:

    Wow, there’s a lot of negative comments on here. I, for one, liked this review and I’ve followed this site long enough to know what to expect. Mark Ramsey is the guy who skewers Hollywood and the entertainment industry in general while getting people to laugh about it. And I’m okay with that. Plus, he’s pretty spot on with his reviews– he usually says at the end whether he likes a movie or not.

    Everybody that has something negative to say, say it at risk, because it’s obvious Mark has a comeback for everything. And Mark, keep doing what your doing.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks!

    The fans are emerging from the woodwork :-)

    [Reply]

    Penelope Reply:

    I second that!

    [Reply]

  16. Thea says:

    Lather, rinse, repeat. Got it.

    [Reply]

  17. TommyB says:

    Woah! This comment thread has gotten so long,
    it’s starting to curl and get entangled in my nose hair!

    Btw,
    I find it remarkable that you answer almost every single comment.
    That leads me to the conclusion, that you’re either an incredible workhorse or you’ve got just too much time on your hands.

    Anyway,
    I’ve been visiting this site on a regular basis for years and I’m looking forward to every new review.

    [Reply]

  18. Mark Ramsey says:

    Funny how the furor dies down once everyone sees how bad the movie sucks, huh?

    [Reply]

    ChampB Reply:

    At least it doesn’t suck as much as your review.

    Your review was probably the “Disaster Movie” of film reviews: not even trying to be good, with idiotic random pop culture references stuffed in there for attempted (but failed) comedic impact.

    I mean, seriously, I’m in high school and my classmates (who thought Transformers 2 was good) probably have better style in reviewing film than you.

    Waiting for attempt at a smart comment that will end up sounding completely cheesy in another try at comedy…

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Keep waiting!

    [Reply]

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