The Book of Eli

151
By Mark Ramsey | 2010/01/10

In The Book of Eli, Denzel Washington is a sharp-shooter, an expert archer, a machete-wielding fighter, a slave-girl magnet, and – like all killing machines – a Biblical scholar.

What?!

“And God said ‘let there be light between a man’s head and his shoulders,’” said Denzel, as he carved through one bad guy after another.

Yes, Denzel fights with the intensity of a hundred Priceline Negotiators!

“If I could shill for ShamWow, I could do it all!” he said.  “In fact, I can’t even slice through lettuce,” he ruefully acknowledged, tearing his salad by hand into bite-sized chunks.

The end of the world is upon us and what’s left looks like HBO’s Deadwood with more horseless carriages and more expletives deleted. Nobody knows how to read books but the old folks, which sounds just like the pre-apocalyptic world, if you ask me.

It’s nuclear winter, and Denzel gets his clothes off the rack – by which I mean the dead guy hanging from the rack.

He bathes by sticking a moist towelette down his pants. “I saw Kim Kardashian do this in a Carl’s Jr. commercial,” said Denzel, “but I think her towelette wore a HazMat suit and had to be doused with a fire hose.”

And what triggered this apocalypse?  “It’s been 31 years since the flash,” says Denzel. And I hope he’s not talking about that time Britney Spears got out of her car.

Denzel is a “walker,” strolling eternally West to a destination that is a big surprise, if only because what happens there is so unbelievable it should have written by Dr Seuss, narrated by Boris Karloff, and finished off with a Roast Beast.

Enter Gary Oldman, the go-to guy for crazy old villains. Oldman runs the dusty, ramshackle town with an iron fist and a gang of thugs modeled after the fashion stylings of Rob Zombie.  Not since Godzilla rampaged Tokyo has a monster with such bad skin ruined a town!

What’s this, both crazy old Gary Oldman and crazy old Malcolm McDowell in the same movie?  Until now, I wasn’t even sure these were different actors!  Cue the on-set pharmacy!

“While the rest of the crew is lunching at craft services, we’ll be chewing on scenery,” said McDowell, dabbing his mouth with a napkin after finishing off a production assistant.

Flashdancer Jennifer Beals returns to the big screen as a blind woman in a portrayal so unconvincing, her braille has to jump off the page and read itself. “Oh, what a feeling!” the raised markings sing, as Jennifer’s fingers caress them with all the tenderness that comes from a career headed to the actor’s perp-gatory called Law & Order.

Where’s the color in this color motion picture? The Book of Eli is saturated in the kind of sepia tone you can’t usually get in a photo unless you dress as a cowboy at the mall.

Denzel has a book and everyone wants it. Especially, Commissioner Gordon, er, Gary Oldman.

“Is that the Rachel Ray cookbook?” asked Oldman. “I want to whip up something delightful for my thugs.”

The Book of Eli is like a fly throwing itself at your closed window – it means well.  But after Eli, 2012, and The Road, if I never see another end-of-the-world movie between now and the end of the world, it will be too soon.

Personally, I prefer my Biblical scholars to be unarmed and comparatively unskilled in Martial Arts.

And to keep their machetes on the mantel.

151

151 Responses to “The Book of Eli”

  1. Enoch says:

    Let me start off by saying I am not a fan for Denzel Washington. He is a decent actor at best. However, your writing is as corny as you make the movie sound. “Hope he’s not talking about the time Britney walked out the car?” What kind of trash writing is this? At least you’re succeeding in getting hits on your unknown site.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    How dare you pick on that particular trash writing when the piece contained so much more trash writing worthy of comment!

    How DARE you!

    [Reply]

  2. Yolanda says:

    Ah Mark, your sense of humor leaves much to be desired. But I am sure the Hughes brothers will be reading this and laughing all the way to the bank!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    As long as they’re laughing, it could be to the Pep Boys, for all I care.

    [Reply]

  3. Umm says:

    Agree with Enoch here, this is terrible. You’ve convinced me to see it, thanks.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    “This is so terrible, I feel compelled to comment on it!”

    [Reply]

  4. Matt says:

    im sorry mark but you sound like an idiot. review the fucking movie and stop comparing it to gayass celebrity incidents like you’re perez hilton

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I believe the appropriate response here is “I know you are, but what am I?”

    [Reply]

    Zonkie the Great Reply:

    Wow! You people are rough! I love Mark’s reviews, because they are DIFFERENT and funny from all the other “serious” critics out there.

    Go read Ebert if your going to be so snooty about movie reviews. Geez.

    [Reply]

  5. Silk says:

    This has to be one of the most poorly written critiques of a movie I have ever read.
    Good for you for doing what you enjoy, but honestly, it appears you are writing for a small niche audience (of juvlenile and very young males) and not for a national readership.
    If you want to keep a national readership with readers in a variety of age groups and backgrounds I would quit with the juvenile humor and pop culture references (Britanny Spears, Carls Jr commercials etc).
    If you want to keep the smaller niche audience this type of review will garner, hey, keep at it.
    LOL, first time I have critiqued a movie critique.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    This is wonderfully helpful advice!

    So much for my idea of grading each movie based on how smelly its farts are.

    [Reply]

    Beeleever Reply:

    the perfect response dude ;-)

    [Reply]

  6. darkedw says:

    I can’t believe this passes as a review for Rottentomatoes. I used to think their % gave a big picture view of the reviews that have been written by established movie reviewers, but now I know they let every worthless schmuck who can slap some pop culture references into actors mouths and call it a review into their site.

    I hope no one actually thinks these actors said these things. This sight deserves a defamation of character lawsuit, but I think it’s pretty much a waste of space.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    This sight deserves something all right, and it begins with the spelling of “site.”

    [Reply]

    darkedw Reply:

    Actually no matter how you spell it the site and sight deserves a better asshole, I mean reviewer. Sorry I keep spelling things wrong.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    With an asshole like yours, why do you need another?

    No problem on the spelling thing.

  7. james myers says:

    I don’t understand what everyone is getting so worked-up about…it’s just a movie review, for Christ’s sake!!!
    I mean, seriously folks…all of these insults hurled upon this one single review are even more juvenile than the review itself.
    Wait ’til you spend your money on it before you start bellyaching about anything to do with this film.
    Sorry, but even tough the critique is not up to New York Times standards, at least this guy was the first to actaully post a review at all…and it was there for us to read in the first place.
    J.M.
    If you haven’t seen THE HURT LOCKER yet, check it out.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    James, you are looking to the bright side! Darn you and your glass-half-full mentality!

    PS Yes, Hurt Locker is very good.

    [Reply]

    darkedw Reply:

    James, that’s exactly the point. People are excited about this movie and they read the first review that’s up and it’s this pile of garbage. That’s why people get upset. If you’re going to defend something you might want to find something worth defending.

    [Reply]

  8. Michael says:

    It’s great that you can write an awful review (I mean truly awful) and then attack everyone who is trying to tell you something: THIS WAS AN AWFUL REVIEW. The fact that it is the ONLY review at this point is the only reason anyone is reading it.

    Hopefully in the next few days some worthy reviews will be written that are worth reading.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    And some worthy comments worth reading, too! :-)

    [Reply]

    Michael Reply:

    You are so clever with your quick wit! Too bad you didn’t apply it to your half-assed review.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Half an ass is better than none at all.

  9. james myers says:

    Oops..I meant to say “Even THOUGH the critique…” is not up to (high literary) standards, at least it was there to give us, perhaps, some perspective as to whether or not this film may be worth spending our money on when it comes out.
    To me, it’s pretty senseless to bag on a review for being “LAME”, by hurling lame insults at it!
    Like I said…see THE Hurt locker! It’s hard to say stupid comments after seeing a film tht actually makes you think. This is a real shit-kicker!

    [Reply]

  10. JD says:

    The author of this review has neither made a decent case for, nor against, this movie.

    He’s simply embarrassed himself, and shown that just because something can be written, doesn’t mean it should be.

    Mark Ramsey – If you’re getting paid for this, something is very, very wrong with the world.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You mean it took me to convince you that something is very wrong with the world?

    Even I don’t deserve quite that much credit, try though I may.

    [Reply]

  11. james myers says:

    Darn it..I need to proofread these before sending them off…
    My comments regarding the HURT LOCKER are not aimed at
    this critic (Mark Ramsey)… they are aimed at anyone who may not have seen it yet.
    Sorry if I was misunderstood…J.M.

    [Reply]

  12. pamela says:

    actually, I wish I had half my ass….

    oh, I like your review!

    [Reply]

  13. Phil says:

    Is this review real, because it looks totally faked Not only that, but how did you see the movie 5 days before it was reviewed? There are no other reviews out there.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    No, it’s not real. It’s a figment of your imagination. You will only see it again the next time you are probed by aliens.

    [Reply]

  14. Alex says:

    This review was just….awful. As it’s the only review on RT so far, Mark, you have made a terrible first impression with me, and from the comments, I’m sure many, many others.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Obviously, all other reviewers are afraid or ashamed!

    [Reply]

    Zonkie the Great Reply:

    Alex, if you haven’t read Mark’s other reviews, then you clearly don’t understand his writing style.

    FRANKIE SAYS “RELAX”

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That Frankie always knows the right thing to say.

    [Reply]

    Alex Reply:

    Judging from the other comments and reviews (I read the Avatar and Sherlock Holmes reviews as well), at best Mark is a professional troll, coming from the likes of Zero Punctuation or Nostalgia Critic.

  15. mrparallel says:

    “Sponaneously combusting from a team of clever but cracked writers and commentators”

    It’s true: yours is the most sponaneous prose I’ve ever encountered. It is the very essence of sponane.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’m pretty sure that’s a compliment, and I thank you for it!

    [Reply]

  16. Emily says:

    Hilarious!

    [Reply]

  17. Animus says:

    What an obscenely embarrassing review. If this level of writing is the minimal benchmark for inclusion in the aggregates then every 4Chan and SA poster should start up a review site.

    The fact that you actually deigned to comment on the derisive comments with such abysmal wit just makes it all the more amusing.

    Honestly, I could care less about your opinion of the movie. That level of writing should make all skilled folks of any vocation that are unemployed irate at the fact that you and your trash prose have any audience at all.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, that’s my goal in life, making the unemployed irate.

    [Reply]

  18. 2x says:

    This movie is rated R. If your going to give childish reviews and rebuttals then maybe you should review childrens movies instead, because those are the only people it would appeal to. The fact that all your replies to negative comments are immature, imply that your not taking them seriously. Maybe you should start? If everyone thinks your an idiot then you must be doing something wrong.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Oh I don’t know. If everyone thinks I’m an idiot then at least everyone is thinking.

    [Reply]

  19. Who cares says:

    Holy shit. Didn’t know rottentomatoes had space for such shitty written reviews.

    And this fruitcake even has the time to respond to every comment, and defend himself.

    You write like a child and you act like one too.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, that’s the great thing about the Internet – lots of space!

    [Reply]

  20. JC says:

    Hmm… Interesting review. But… did you even see the movie? There was very little substance in the review. You just seemed to comment on random parts of the movie; in other words, many points weren’t clear if they took away from the movie as a whole (how he got his clothes, how he cleaned himself).

    Is the movie boring or too long? Is it any good as a pure action movie? Are you comparing the quality of this movie to 2012 and the road? Was the acting so poor it took away from the movie (oldman is usually good, i think denzel is too)?

    Someone said it earlier, its like perez hilton; but commenting on a movie he half paid attention to.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I was doing this when Perez Hilton was in diapers, for the record. Not that he isn’t now – I’m just saying.

    [Reply]

  21. Amarestat says:

    Actually, this review is pretty entertaining . . . which is more than I am likely to say about the movie. Keep writing and don’t worry about the squares.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Phew. Thanks.

    [Reply]

  22. The Fett says:

    This review has no real substance. It is little more than a series of poor attempts at funny. A review should convey the perceived flaws of the movie. It should be written in a way that could be construed as advice on how the film could’ve been made better. There is nothing here. There is nothing but a person making sarcastic statements.

    The replies following the posted comments only serve to cheapen and already cheap review. Why am I reading this? Why am I even on this site? Why am I typing this message? We may never know.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Oh great, you want me to tell you how the movie could be better made? Since when did film critics become your mom?

    [Reply]

    Kram Yesmar Reply:

    The day that critics became poor stand up comedians.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That day has long since come!

  23. Horrormoviefan173 says:

    I’m not going to trash the reviewer or anything, but I just didn’t find this review particularly helpful, convincing or even entertaining. The fact that someone is commenting on here that people shouldn’t criticize a review, because we should be happy that there’s a review up on the site at all is ridiculous. What kind of thinking is that?

    Good writing is something that serves the purpose it was intended for. As a film critic, your purpose is to convey to the readers your thought/opinion of the film through constructive criticisms, and HELP them decide if the film is worth their money or not.

    This review, on the other hand, is just plain distracting. The reader is constantly being taken out of the review (and any bit of criticism) by having to read such non-funny, ill-concocted pop-culture references, and self-fancying “witty” remarks. It’s like watching a movie with really bad dialogue. You can’t stay engrossed in the film, because you have to hear such wretched dialogue.

    I really wish a better constructed review will come along soon.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I could do worse than distract you from The Book of Eli

    [Reply]

    Horrormoviefan173 Reply:

    Hmm…

    I think it’s funny you reply to every single person’s comment with a so-called “Witty” sarcastic comment of yourself. I think it’s sort of a little infantile.

    I was reading that someone said “people missed that this review was supposed to be entertaining,” but I never missed that point. I even mentioned it in my comment. It seemed like you were attempting to be entertaining, which to some people this review might be. (Take an Adam Sandler movie for instance, Most feel they’re terrible, but some like them) I just thought the review was distracting, and pointless.

    As for the film, it might not be very good, (The trailers failed to impress) but I would have preferred to read actual reason it was terrible than read pop-references for the majority of a review.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Fortunately there are lots of places for you to do just that! Thanks for the note.

  24. a brotha from anotha motha says:

    The review is written in a way to polarize its readers, some of whom will get pissed off and then inevitably boost hits to the site by reading more reviews that are likely to piss them off again. “Hey Mark I’m pissed off at your shitty review, ” some pissed off person will say.

    Then Mark will say, “Better to be pissed off than pissed on.”

    “Mark, you think you’re so whitey”

    “This whitey knows how to spell witty!!!”

    Next victim. Repeat.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    But I AM so whitey!

    [Reply]

    JP Reply:

    You’re also a bad writer.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    “Also?”

  25. Sasson says:

    Mark Ramsey? You, like some others in the “movie-review/trashing business” are truly cynical and “in love” with yourself, aren’t you? You are so very sure that you’re being ‘funny’ and ‘smart’ with your out-of-base and irrelevant review of the movie above, right?
    Sad thing about finger-pointers and forever naysayers like yourself is that they keep doing that (sarcastic and cynical finger-pointing) even when they know that that is the ONLY thing they’ll be good at. Because, is it simply not easier to trash someone else’s work (movie, play, creation, painting, etc.) than actually putting in the effort and talent to make the creation in the first place?
    “They build monuments for people who dare and use their talents and God given gifts and create and inspire– They don’t build monuments for ranters and complainers and finger-pointers”.
    But I guess you knew that already, and I know you also know why.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    No monuments for finger-pointers…how disappointing is that!

    [Reply]

    Matthew Reply:

    So, in an effort to get a monument built he should ignore that this movie is tripe and lie? I see what you are saying here.

    [Reply]

  26. Trav says:

    Another wasted 2 minutes of my life reading one of the worst reviews I have ever seen. The fact that this gets published on rotten tomatoes is beyond me. On the other hand I think this movie looks worse than he reviewed it, but please end your critic career as this was the most god awful review in recent memory. Thanks.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You really have to stop wasting your life in two minute increments.

    [Reply]

  27. Chris says:

    I’ve always heard that the “everyone else is crazy” mentality really spawns improvement in one’s craft. As a part of “everyone else,” I concur: this review sucks.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    What craft are YOU talking about?

    [Reply]

  28. Nick says:

    I lol’ed at this review, well done ! I don’t know how anyone could watch the trailer and expect anything but a campy ditzy action flick

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    A flick that takes itself way too seriously, Nick. Thanks.

    [Reply]

  29. Scott W. says:

    “Where’s the color in this color motion picture? The Book of Eli is saturated in the kind of sepia tone you can’t usually get in a photo unless you dress as a cowboy at the mall.”

    Heh. Good one.

    [Reply]

  30. Josh says:

    Unfortunately, the movie likely isn’t being reviewed because it’s no good. That’s also why it’s being released in January. This “review” is obviously worthless but the aforementioned signs tell us enough.

    [Reply]

  31. Rodreko says:

    I sort of enjoyed your review. It gave me a chuckle on more than one occasion and was not rife with self self-aggrandizing prattle like so many of the reviews I have read. You obviously intended the review to be entertaining, a point that was missed by many other people who left their comments. As for the open hostility towards you, I can only assume they are pissed because you never sent flowers after boneing their mothers.

    [Reply]

  32. Barry O says:

    I don’t think this reviewer even saw the movie. I’m willing to bet on that. Reading his take was a complete waste of time and I hope Rottentomatoes doesn’t link this guy ever again.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Not only did I really see this movie but I really disliked it too.

    So how much would you like to bet?

    [Reply]

    Rob C Reply:

    Well said. Thanks Mark for being immature and incompetent, no need to ever visit this site ever again.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I guess it’s too late for that, isn’t it!

    [Reply]

  33. Matthew says:

    Seriously folks, shut up. It’s a damn review, not a book called,”40 Ways on Being a Better Person.” I have a strong, strong feeling that most of you giving hate to this guy are just fanboys that will post these shit comments on other site that defame your love child.
    Anyone, ANYONE, who watched the preview could tell that:
    1. The “ooh-ahh” mysterious book is the bible
    2. The movie will suck

    Apparently some people will continue to deny the obvious until they are blue in the face. I’ll bet money that this movie gets about 40% approval rating on RT.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I think your bet is right on. Maybe 45%….

    As for “40 Ways to Be a Better Person,” good luck seeing that title emerge from Hollywood.

    [Reply]

    Trav Reply:

    Correction Matthew, I am no fan of this movie. As said in my response I agreed with his review of the film as I think it looks quite terrible. I was simply stating my opinion of this review as I thought it was quite childish and did not even review the film. Instead he put words into the characters’ mouths and bashed the movie instead of talking about the pros and cons seriously. So maybe before you tell all of us to shut up, please remove your nose from Ramsey’s ass as it is looking very brown.

    [Reply]

    Matthew Reply:

    Oh please, Denzelfanboy10127.. oops I mean Trav, your obviously butthurt about a bad review on your beloved crap movie. Look at my prediction and check the score on RTs. Crap movie deserved this review. Damn I’m good.

    [Reply]

  34. LOL says:

    While I have not seen the movie, this review just seems dumb. Even if the movie is bad, at least try reviewing the film and stop trying to be funny. Could this be Armond White Jr.? Because we all know that Armond is the king of trolls when reviewing movies on Rottentomatoes and has a potential to spread his dumdness on people. While I do not agree with you Ramsey, you have a right to write whatever you want. But at least try to review movies and STOP TRYING TO BE FUNNY because your not FYI. At least you liked the The Hurt Locker. I will agree with you there.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Maybe I should go on E! again and talk plot points. They seemed to prefer that, too.

    [Reply]

  35. Luis says:

    Hey Mark,
    I am more of an action guy so I was wondering if you thought the Action was good or should this be avoided entirely. Thanks

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Moments of action and long stretches of walking. If I had to walk to this much action I’d thumb a ride.

    [Reply]

  36. zvi says:

    wow – what’s with these people?
    I guess they didnt realize the “comedy” slant of your reviews.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Wait, it’s comedy?!

    [Reply]

    Trav Reply:

    Aren’t comedy slanted reviews suppose to contain comedy? I saw none in the review.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Everyone’s a critic.

    [Reply]

  37. Vin says:

    hi mark,

    I’m amused by all the negative comments, but I’m glad to see you’re taking them much less personally than they took your review.

    Haven’t seen your site before. How long have you been reviewing?
    -Vin

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Vin, you are from Stanford and thus much too smart to be here! Thanks for slumming!

    I’ve been out here since Mr. Roger Ebert picked me as #2 in his category of “Online Outlaws” way back in 1999!

    [Reply]

  38. Tony S. says:

    Very good review Mark. You used humor to illustrate your points and that led to a very amusing read. Your style is very original and that is appreciated by most of us. Don’t listen to the Internet Trolls that populate RT.com!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Tony, let’s keep my diabolical strategy to ourselves! Thanks for the note.

    [Reply]

  39. Jimbo says:

    Mark Ramsey, why do you bother replying to all the comments that rip you apart by making yourself look like even more of an immature idiot? You would be better off ignoring the criticism altogether, because obviously you don’t plan on taking the advice…

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Why ignore criticism when I can have so much fun with it?

    [Reply]

  40. JJ.S. says:

    Reading your review, and responses to the comments, is seriously cringe-inducing. Holy fuck, you sound just like a 13-year old.
    Yes, this movie looks like trash but that’s not a valid reason to write such a painful review. That said, I’m pretty sure soon enough you’ll “lol pwn” me with another genius comeback.

    *waits for extremely “witty” response*

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Keep waiting.

    [Reply]

  41. Robert P says:

    This is the worst movie review I have ever read. It’s like ordering an ice cream sundae and it’s 90% whipped cream. I found the lame comedic quotes quite irritating. Like cheerleaders running onto the floor constantly while you watch a basketball game.

    I stumbled on this review cuz I couldn’t find any others. I now know to never come to this site again.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Let me get this straight:

    You don’t like whipped cream. And you don’t like cheerleaders on the floor.

    But you think there’s something wrong with ME?!

    [Reply]

  42. Jon says:

    Reviewing a movie review, hmm..

    A review like this pisses me off for three reasons. One, it’s just not funny. I would welcome the humor in the review if it was actually good humor. Two, I don’t want or need comical movie reviews in the first place. If I wanted to laugh, I sure wouldn’t seek out the latest movie reviews. Three, after reading this, all I know about the movie is the reviewer doesn’t seem to like it. I have little idea how or why it’s bad. And who knows if the guy was telling the truth, or just using the movie as a reason to come up with jokes about celebrities. I wish RT wouldn’t allow reviews like this because it lowers the integrity of movie’s rating and the site itself.

    Thumbs down!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    What has the world come to when we look to a tomato for integrity.

    [Reply]

  43. Plantomexerz says:

    If you guys think this review is bad, read Ramsey’s review of Watchmen.

    Anyways, not sure what the big deal is. I didn’t necessarily find the review hilarious or anything, but I did get a few chuckles. It was nothing to get so upset about. I rather read this kind of review than an Armond White type of review that aims at trying to look intelligent when in reality they just seem pretentious.

    Sure, the review is lacking in deep criticism or whatever, but if you want that, go read someone else’s reviews and stop crying. There are plenty of those that should be out soon.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    More pretentious than Watchmen? I don’t really think that’s possible.

    [Reply]

  44. Plantomexerz says:

    Watchmen was pretentious? I guess that’s what people think when they go in expecting an action movie and instead get a movie that is way more than that. And also when people go in and complain about an animated blue penis that is barely on the screen for more than 1-2 minutes and never complain about female nudity in other movies.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t care whether that blue penis is animated, penciled in, engraved, or carved into the screen with a pocketknife – two minutes seems like a lifetime to me.

    And yes, you’re right, I never complain about female nudity. I’ll let every guy on the planet explain that one.

    [Reply]

    O.W. Reply:

    M. Ramsey,

    I appreciate the review and it let me know that I can wait for this one. It may not be Shakespeare, but point taken. I am tired of Post-Apocalyptic crap movies that hits people in their lower sense of realism and makes them pull out there wallets without a care for story or acting ability. Denzel yes, Jennifer Beal, no, and the jury is out on Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman). Heckling doesn’t change the fact that the movie is not what is marketed to be. Wait for the summer onslaught of action without story…

    [Reply]

  45. Plantomexerz says:

    That just shows your hypocrisy then. Why complain about male nudity but not female nudity? Sure, guys would prefer female nudity, and so would I, but I’m not going to complain about seeing a penis on screen for 1-2 minutes but not say anything about female nudity in other movies that are on screen for way more than just a couple of minutes. I don’t see too many women complaining about female nudity, but I’m surprised about the number of insecure guys complaining about the penis in Watchmen. Grow up and mature if seeing a penis on screen is so traumatizing.

    And really, just stop looking at it if it is really that big of a problem. It’s pretty easy to ignore, and I barely noticed it, and I think you would have to concentrate on the blue penis to actually get a good look at it.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If you barely notice a blue penis then I’m certainly glad you’re not my doctor.

    [Reply]

  46. O.W. says:

    Besides this review matches almost every review I’ve seen to date of the movie. Everybody can’t be wrong, can they?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Actually everybody is usually wrong. That’s why we have Reality TV.

    [Reply]

  47. Zizzmer says:

    I’ve been reading Mark’s reviews for years. They’re all like this…well, some are funnier than others. You’re never going to get a plot review, deep thoughts on the theme, or anything like that.

    But since he’s been doing it for years, I doubt a spate of bad comments is going to keep him up at nights. Or make him change his ways.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    “Some are funnier than others.” Sigh. Ya can’t win for winning.

    [Reply]

  48. jon hardy says:

    I thought the blue penis was hot…

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That’s funny!

    [Reply]

  49. Hardy says:

    LOL, I love that you respond to every. single. comment. I didn’t care for the criticism of your reviews (or the review itself for that matter), but seriously? Grow up. There’s no need for the childish responses. Just brush it off and move on with the blog.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Wow, it sounds like you dislike pretty much everything. What’s your feeling about puppy dogs and kittens?

    [Reply]

  50. Greg says:

    Oh, you forgot to mention this Bible reading ninja is BLIND. What a one joke movie and the joke ain’t funny!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Unless I missed something really important, that’s not so.

    [Reply]

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