By Mark Ramsey | 2010/01/25

If you never thought you’d see the day that an angel falls to Earth and immediately steals a weapons cache, then you never thought you’d see Legion.  And you will surely wish you hadn’t.

“Every time an M16 with teflon-coated bullets fires, an angel gets his wings,” said Zuzu in It’s a Wonderful Life – or something like that.

“This is my passion project,” said star Paul Bettany, whose passion is evidently to pay the mortgage on that Malibu Beach House.

So here’s the deal, God has lost his faith in mankind, and not just the kind of man on Wheel of Fortune, but all mankind, even those who don’t clap at their own vowels.

“How could He lose faith in mankind?” asked star Dennis Quaid.  “Hasn’t He seen The Bachelor on ABC?”

“Not this season, but He does DVR Celebrity Rehab on VH1,” replied Bettany, “and there’s a treatment center in Hell reserved for Dr. Drew.”

Bettany is the fallen angel, a former general in God’s army or, as they’re known in Heaven, “Spartans with wings.”  With weapons in tow, he’s off to a remote diner/service station, because who doesn’t prefer a fine meal prepared by the same hands that just fixed your carburetor?

“We serve steak, cigarettes, and Busch beer, but not usually all in the same dirty bowl,” explained proprietor Quaid, who hasn’t served up this much chum since he worked opposite a 3-D shark and a 2-D Louis Gossett Jr.

“Even three D’s wouldn’t make this picture a B,” grumbled Bettany, whose wife, Jennifer Connelly, has been in webcam videos that are better than Legion.

“Are all angels trained in handling automatic weapons?” asked Dennis.

“Just the ones who want to work in Hollywood,” said Bettany.

Quaid moved to this literally God-forsaken spot years ago because he thought the mall would move in right next door.  That’s right next door to the middle of nowhere.  Good thinking, Dennis.

So it’s here at this diner/service station that Dennis “Just because it’s the end of the world doesn’t mean you have to starve” Quaid and Tyrese “You askin’ me to explain the behavior of a mother-f***in’ pestilence?!” Gibson lead what will soon become the last vestige of humanity.

Sprinkle into this recipe Marissa’s trampy little sister from The O.C. and you have a blue-plate special destined to be remembered long after your final hurl.

Existential questions abound.  Such as:  What sort of God rids the Earth of all humanity except for a waitress and a guy named “Jeep”?  “Jeep” and the waitress?!  This is not salvation, it’s the opening act for Larry the Cable Guy!

The angels are out to exterminate humanity or expose it to the latest tune from Tila Tequila, whichever gets the job done faster.  Extermination step one:  Send in an outrageous foul-mouthed old lady who can dance on the ceiling like some kind of vintage Lionel Richie video.

“If it killed Martha Quinn’s career, it can do us in too,” warned Bettany.

Enter Charles Dutton, last seen in Fame and now seen nowhere near it.

How deep in the pile of unproduced and unread scripts did Screen Gems reach for this one?  It’s pin-the-tail-on-the-random-unproduced-screenplay!  “It’s a game we play often at Screen Gems,” explained one studio executive who was soliciting new projects by pounding the side of a pinata and picking up treatments off the ground.

“The dogs of Heaven will be released!” exclaimed the angel Gabriel, entering a doorway in his Spartan best, wings flapping, one set of chaps away from that date with destiny known as Cher.

If they have movies in Hell, then Legion is playing on every screen.


16 Responses to “Legion”

  1. Bud Rebel says:

    With all due respect I couldn’t disagree with you more. I found the acting and story compelling. I think we went to a different movie. Or maybe you don’t share the same religious views of those involved in the project but that shouldn’t affect you view of the quality of this film.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Fair enough, but the primary thing worshipped in this movie is the Almighty Dollar.


  2. Paco says:

    This was the wittiest review of any movie or book I have read in a long time. Many laughs; well done! You are a gifted writer. Too bad you don’t write screenplays! It’s obvious Hollywood needs you.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks mom…er, Laurie!


  3. Paco says:

    Even your replies are witty! (To the commentator supporting the Christian jihad)


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks Laurie!


  4. JJ says:

    You’d think angels would have no use physical weapons, and if not the should at least have nukes or something. This reminds more of stormtroopers trying to convince the local population to obey them. The old lady reminds me of some relatives though.


  5. TommyB says:

    Angels shooting people?
    But we already saw that movie. It’s called “Dogma”.
    At least that one was funny and it included a “shit demon”, Ben Affleck’s head exploding, Chris Rock and Salma Hayek!


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, it was controversial in those days, huh?


    TommyB Reply:

    If “controversial” means “fun”, yes!

    But the days when you could summarize a movie by putting “shit demon”, “Ben Affleck’s head exploding” and “Salma Hayek” in one sentence seem to be definitely over, sadly.


    Carlitos Reply:

    One word: Alan MFing Rickman!

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Rickman ROCKS.

  6. dave c says:

    – u had me at the Zuzu line,… great review, hilarious. i’ll have to give your review 10/10; like the other reply noted, u should be writing screenplays or something more, u got talent kid… But alas, this sad sack of a movie, cost me 90 mins that i will never get back. people, avoid consuming this bucket of misguided intentions and you won’t have to upchuck your popcorn like i had to.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks Dave!

    When I met Spielberg I offered to help him “if there’s anything I can do.”

    Something tells me that was the wrong approach ;-)


  7. Odin says:

    If you want to watch a good movie about fallen angels, see “The Prophecy” starring Christopher Walken as Gabriel. That was awesome.

    Also, this movie was like a really bad remake of “Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight” without the cool characters.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Christopher Walken as a fallen angel – cool. Missed Prophecy – I’ll look it up!


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