“Every time an M16 with teflon-coated bullets fires, an angel gets his wings,” said Zuzu in It’s a Wonderful Life – or something like that.
“This is my passion project,” said star Paul Bettany, whose passion is evidently to pay the mortgage on that Malibu Beach House.
So here’s the deal, God has lost his faith in mankind, and not just the kind of man on Wheel of Fortune, but all mankind, even those who don’t clap at their own vowels.
“How could He lose faith in mankind?” asked star Dennis Quaid. “Hasn’t He seen The Bachelor on ABC?”
“Not this season, but He does DVR Celebrity Rehab on VH1,” replied Bettany, “and there’s a treatment center in Hell reserved for Dr. Drew.”
Bettany is the fallen angel, a former general in God’s army or, as they’re known in Heaven, “Spartans with wings.” With weapons in tow, he’s off to a remote diner/service station, because who doesn’t prefer a fine meal prepared by the same hands that just fixed your carburetor?
“We serve steak, cigarettes, and Busch beer, but not usually all in the same dirty bowl,” explained proprietor Quaid, who hasn’t served up this much chum since he worked opposite a 3-D shark and a 2-D Louis Gossett Jr.
“Even three D’s wouldn’t make this picture a B,” grumbled Bettany, whose wife, Jennifer Connelly, has been in webcam videos that are better than Legion.
“Are all angels trained in handling automatic weapons?” asked Dennis.
“Just the ones who want to work in Hollywood,” said Bettany.
Quaid moved to this literally God-forsaken spot years ago because he thought the mall would move in right next door. That’s right next door to the middle of nowhere. Good thinking, Dennis.
So it’s here at this diner/service station that Dennis “Just because it’s the end of the world doesn’t mean you have to starve” Quaid and Tyrese “You askin’ me to explain the behavior of a mother-f***in’ pestilence?!” Gibson lead what will soon become the last vestige of humanity.
Sprinkle into this recipe Marissa’s trampy little sister from The O.C. and you have a blue-plate special destined to be remembered long after your final hurl.
Existential questions abound. Such as: What sort of God rids the Earth of all humanity except for a waitress and a guy named “Jeep”? “Jeep” and the waitress?! This is not salvation, it’s the opening act for Larry the Cable Guy!
The angels are out to exterminate humanity or expose it to the latest tune from Tila Tequila, whichever gets the job done faster. Extermination step one: Send in an outrageous foul-mouthed old lady who can dance on the ceiling like some kind of vintage Lionel Richie video.
“If it killed Martha Quinn’s career, it can do us in too,” warned Bettany.
Enter Charles Dutton, last seen in Fame and now seen nowhere near it.
How deep in the pile of unproduced and unread scripts did Screen Gems reach for this one? It’s pin-the-tail-on-the-random-unproduced-screenplay! “It’s a game we play often at Screen Gems,” explained one studio executive who was soliciting new projects by pounding the side of a pinata and picking up treatments off the ground.
“The dogs of Heaven will be released!” exclaimed the angel Gabriel, entering a doorway in his Spartan best, wings flapping, one set of chaps away from that date with destiny known as Cher.
If they have movies in Hell, then Legion is playing on every screen.