Shutter Island

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By Mark Ramsey | 2010/02/21

Remember the TV spot for Shutter Island? The one called The Golden Globes? Because isn’t it best to pay tribute to Martin Scorcese by showing an extended sequence from the one movie he hadn’t even released yet?

“I brought my portentous soundtrack from Cape Fear,” said Marty, although, as usual, he was speaking so fast only the neighborhood dog heard him.

It’s Leo DiCaprio in a coat so oversized he could hide the entire Jolie-Pitt brood and a hat which seems to be sucking in his head like an Oreck sucks in a bowling ball.

If Leo were standing on your desk at work you’d call him a bobble-head.

“No matter how old I get, I still look like I’m dressing up in my dad’s clothes,” said Leo, whose face is evidently foreclosing on his facial hair, sending it packing to Robert Downey Jr.’s face, where hair suffers a housing shortage.

“I’m hoping my hat blocks my view of the latest version of Heidi Montag,” sighed Leo.  “That ride has been pimped one time too many.”

Welcome to Shutter Island!  It’s a mental hospital for the criminally insane, not unlike CBS’s Big Brother house.  It’s the spot where bad Boston accents spend their years behind bars alongside the careers of Stephen Baldwin and Lou Diamind Phillips.

“We ah duly appointed Federal Mahshalls!” said Leo.  “And we pahked owa cah in Hahvad Yahd!”

And here on Shutter Island, the chief therapist is Sir Ben Kingsley.

“Wait a second,” said one inmate.  “I’m being treated by the star of Species, BloodRayne, and The Love Guru, and they call me crazy?!”

Meanwhile, out on the grounds….

“Is that an electrified perimeter?” asks Leo.

“You mean the one around Marty’s sauce?  Yes,” said Ruffalo. “On Goodfellas a production assistant ate one of his meatballs.  That PA never worked again, and Marty’s balls have been electrified ever since.”

“Not since Charlton Heston have I been captivated by electrified balls,” said a wistful Leo.

The most dangerous inmates on Shutter Island are in an old Civil War era fort, presumably because there’s no better place to store crazed homicidal maniacs than in an impenetrable castle armed with cannons.

Seconds into his investigation, Leo finds a handwritten note hidden below a wood board:  “The Law of 4.  Who is #67?”

“I don’t know who #67 is,” said Leo, “but more than one Sports Illustrated cover model has closed my case-file on #69.”

Michelle Williams comes to Leo in a Dawson’s Creek dream, only to crumble to ashes when he holds her.

“Was it my big hat?  My shoulder pads?  My inconsistently distributed and Chia Pet-like facial hair?  Was it Marty’s electrified balls?!  Tell me it wasn’t the balls!”

Time for a disturbing flashback to Leo’s time as a soldier in the baby-faced war to beat all baby-faced wars:  The Battle of Nickelodeon.

Back to the present and the worst weather in Hollywood history.  Leo’s clothes get wet, so it’s time to don some Orderly-style whites.  “I’m either getting to the bottom of this mystery or serve ice cream trying!” he said.

Leo had better watch his step, because the Warden is Monk’s Captain Stottlemeyer!  “And tonight, said Stottlemeyer, “in the cafeteria we have the musical stylings of the Randy Disher Project.  It’s an episode called Mr. Monk and the Suicidally Inclined Facial Hair that’s Ready to Ride the Rails like a Hobo.”

Shutter Island is just what the therapist ordered.  It’s the best movie I’ve seen so far this year.

Bring your psychotropic drugs and pahk yoah cah in Hahvad Yahd.

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43 Responses to “Shutter Island”

  1. Brynn says:

    Is this a joke? I have never read a such an incomprehensible review in my life. Only one sentence out of the whole thing made any sense.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well I really must have screwed up THAT sentence!

    [Reply]

  2. Robert says:

    I don’t know, Mark. There was a little bit of fun wordplay here, no doubt. I think it belongs in a black box theatre way off off Broadway. Some skilled stage actor might be able to polish these +urd$ and put an appealing spin on them. As a review, it’s a mulch of indulgent ramblings that aren’t half as funny as you think they are. But keep trying, man. Fake it until you make it.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Let’s see, whose opinion should I pay the most attention to…Steven Spielberg’s or Robert from Irvine’s.

    Hmmm.

    (c) Faking it since 1997

    [Reply]

    Robert Reply:

    I re-read this to see if I could find some laughs. The Leo/bobblehead and dressing up in dad’s clothes lines were funny. Also, this one was cute: ”I’m either getting to the bottom of this mystery or serve ice cream trying!” If you could bring the rest up to those standards, you’ll be working with Spielberg in no time.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You are a tough customer, Robert.

  3. Stuart says:

    This is creative yet poorly written. The writing is too indulgent and serves as no help to anyone in deciding to see this film. It’s easy to tell Mark Ramsey is trying too hard for comedy because he lacks understanding of the film. This writing really comes off as if the writer was too busy trying to come up with lame jokes than to bother following anything in the film.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Ben Kingsley’s last role was “Guru Tugginmypudha,” but I’m trying too hard for lame jokes.

    [Reply]

  4. Liz Ryan says:

    The review is funny and made me want to see the movie. The hating commenters are uncreative whiners. Go get your own blog.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Wait. I’m speechless! How am I supposed to creatively respond to that!?

    Thanks Liz.

    [Reply]

  5. Karen says:

    It’s the best movie I’ve seen so far this year.

    Must be the first movie you’ve seen this year.

    [Reply]

    That Guy Reply:

    Wow, that’s trife! This must be the first response you’ve made to the first comment thread you’ve seen this year. It’s telling that even Mark Ramsey couldn’t be bothered with replying to your post.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Some folks make it a habit to begin their commenting at the end of February.

    [Reply]

    Karen Reply:

    Well, I guess I could respond to your comment better if I knew what the word trife meant. Is it like a trifle, as in something of a small amount? Then yes, I guess my brief commentary qualifies. Or did you perhaps mean tripe, as in the rubbery lining of the stomach of a cow? Maybe you meant my comment was unsavory or indigestible?
    Sorry, still scratching my head here.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Whatever lines a cow’s stomach certainly deserves a place of special honor at MovieJuice.

    That Guy Reply:

    Trife– as in trifling. However, tripe could work. I’ll remember to use that next time.

  6. Alex says:

    Like a Family Guy writer trying to write a movie review… only I laugh during that show. Is this supposed to be informative at all? I must have missed why this is listed as a “review” in Rotten Tomatoes.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    There aren’t enough informative reviews in the world, are there? The world sure needs one more!

    [Reply]

  7. TommyB says:

    Hi Mark,
    fun stuff and plenty of jokes about Leo’s outfit, you didn’t even need “Bugsy” at all.

    But reading the other comments I get the feeling that
    I might be a man of low standards who hasn’t attended “Seth MacFarlane’s creative writing course for dimwits” yet.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    From now on, MovieJuice will be animated and feature the voices of a dog and a baby.

    Who doesn’t like dogs and babies?

    [Reply]

    TommyB Reply:

    A dog and a baby? Hasn’t that already been done with “Siskel and Ebert”? (Yeah, go ahead and boo me!)

    [Reply]

  8. Chance the Gardener says:

    Read the book over the holidays trapped with my mother in law in Vegas (with the flu).

    Drove there with a broken thumb and got a speeding ticket in the middle of nowhere Nevada (“speeding in a rural zone”).

    The thumb now needs surgery.

    I am not going to watch Shutter Island after reading the book and seeing how it was cast.

    Great book and movie review.

    If you have read it, you feel my pain and understand.

    Not that anyone reads anything but broken communication anymore (and teleprompters).

    If I see this movie it will be on cable and will watch with every bit of interest I did (parts of) that vampire kids flick.

    That movie had an incredible house in it….

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Fan that I am of any and all “Being There” references, I’m sorry to hear about your holiday strife. Although your story sounds like the beginning of a movie starring Casey Affleck.

    And on behalf of Mr. Scorcese, you’re welcome for the incredible house!

    [Reply]

  9. Chance the Gardener says:

    Soulda been there.

    Naw, never mind.

    And the house I was referring to was not the Warden’s in Lehane’s book.

    But you already knew that gentle reader (and reviewer).

    I will have to check out this “Being There” you are a fan of.

    Book or film?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Touche.

    [Reply]

  10. TommyB says:

    Btw, what happened to you captioning pictures from the movie inside your reviews?
    The pictures at the top of your last 3 reviews scream for captioning!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    The picture is now part of the page, not the text. Sorry!

    [Reply]

  11. Tanner says:

    this was a terrible review…not a single piece of useful information or opinion

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If it’s “useful” you want, go read a toothbrush.

    [Reply]

    Penelope Reply:

    Good one Mark!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks Penelope!

  12. Devin says:

    I’m guessing this site is supposed to just write up funny reviews or something? Honest question, simply curious. If so, is the A rating actually valid or is it in the same vein as the rest of the review (a joke)?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    It’s an enigma wrapped in a riddle, isn’t it?

    My opinions are always authentic!

    [Reply]

  13. Donald Z. says:

    Truth be told, I can see why this review might confuse those who haven’t yet seen the movie, but if you have seen it, and liked it, as I did, then this review (hand-in-hand with the New Yorker’s) helps better to clarify what exactly it is that makes this movie so appealing to the percentage of those who argue that this movie is a good one.

    A whole lot of nonsense and then “Shutter Island is just what the therapist ordered. It’s the best movie I’ve seen so far this year” outta nowhere to end it all. I agree. wholeheartedly. With this statement, and with how you’ve written the entire review. A++++. For what is in my eyes a B++++ movie. But I can see why you’d want to give it an A. And I agree with this rating in many ways. yes yes indeed I do.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’ve always argued that what the New Yorker was missing was MovieJuice – I need a partner famous for its cartoons.

    Surprisingly, nobody at the New Yorker seems to agree.

    Thanks Donald!

    [Reply]

  14. David Hernandez says:

    Mark,

    loved the review but did you really find this movie enjoyable? I mean, I walked in expecting a bad movie and walked out thinking I’d seen better crap come out of an arsehole. Yes the story was decent on paper but with Leo going in and out of a good performance, we we’re all wondering if drugs could make this movie better. The only thing this movie did is keep Leonardo DiCaprios career going.

    I’m not sure if I can trust your taste in movies (did you really mean to rate Shutter Island as ripe?) but your reviews are still the BEST!

    Have a good one.

    -David

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’m afraid I did, David!

    I never thought I’d have to apologize for liking a movie, but … I’m sorry! :-)

    Thanks for the kind words.

    [Reply]

    David Hernandez Reply:

    Hahaha. Good stuff Mark.

    And don’t take the words too harshly. I’ve just been reading your articles for years and was stunned that we didn’t share similar opinions for once. I would like to expose certains flaws that brought down the suspension of dibelief but I don’t want to spoil anything for curious readers.

    Let’s be honest, it’s far from being The Big Sleep or even Identity.

    Appreciate the fast response man.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    :-) Thanks David.

  15. Leon says:

    Mark -

    Long time reader, first time caller. I guessed the ending to this movie ten seconds in, and lord knows I’m no genius. I hope Leo bought the extended minutes package because he phoned this thing in. I kept expecting him to turn around and yell “ACTING!” after every acting class quality distressed monologue. I can’t comment on the big reveal, mainly because it’s still going on and I left the theatre four days ago. Maybe if they explain it to me some more, I’ll have no choice but to admit it was clever. Or maybe M. Night is slapping his agent around right now enraged that he couldn’t secure the rights to this turkey.

    Leon

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    My wife has that same ability, Leon.

    As for me, I didn’t even know Alice was going to slay the dragon in Wonderland, and they even scrolled out pictures of that beforehand. :-)

    [Reply]

  16. glentot says:

    I just seen it recently. It’s one film I wouldn’t mind seeing again, even if I have to roll my eyes everytime I see Michelle Williams appear.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    At least she rapidly dissolves into a pile of ash.

    [Reply]

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