The Back-Up Plan

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By Mark Ramsey | 2010/04/25

Do you really need to ask whether The Back-Up Plan is any good?

When you witness a pile of crap steaming on a trail, its freshness may be in question, but its quality certainly is not.

Isn’t telling you it’s a Jennifer Lopez vehicle all the intel you need?

I know, what is this, 1999 or the Lifetime channel?

Yes, it seems like years since the last J-Lo movie, but time and the slightest bit of anticipation sure fly when you’re having fun.

The concept here is that, like my patience, J-Lo’s biological clock is ticking – and with any luck it will explode before my head does.

Of course, J-Lo has no boyfriend – even though in the real world her pause between relationships was shorter than this sentence and not nearly as well-crafted.

So she decides that her best path to children is artificial insemination, which is apt considering the artificial intelligence that went into the rest of this movie.  So J-Lo has her eggs fertilized by a stranger, and here I thought nobody could be stranger than Marc Anthony.

Enter one-time comedian Robert Klein who hasn’t been funny since he was on the couch with Merv – and even then only because it was a funny couch. “At this point the only guy who wants to approach your hoo-haa is one wearing rubber gloves with antiseptic tongs,” said Klein.

“Are you saying my hoo-haa is a hot zone?” asked Lopez.

“It’s more like the end zone,” said Klein, who then offered a comic alternative:

“It’s more like a hot mess.”

Vote which answer you like better and already you’re having more fun than whatever audience is sorry enough to suffer The Back-Up Plan.

What if I told you this movie has J-Lo falling for a guy who makes cheese?  No, I’m serious.  Cheese, get it?  In fact, this is the first time I’ve seen a movie where everyone involved cuts the cheese.

In my shame I entered the theater in the disguise I usually use for Jennifer Lopez movies – a fake mustache and 3D glasses.  The 3-D glasses were to hide, not for a 3D view.  Because only thing worse than a Jennifer Lopez movie in 3D would be one in 2D with two C’s.

And that means all of them.

At least this movie gives a role to Tom Bosley, who’s best remembered as the guy confused for the guy on Charley’s Angels.  And hey, there’s Linda Lavin from the 70′s TV show Alice.  What, no cast members of Barnaby Jones or Cannon?  Simon and Simon must be available. Couldn’t Magnum P.I. do a walk-on?

So off to the concession stand I went, where dozens of other guys in fake mustaches and 3D glasses were ordering shots of Jack Daniels, which the theater stocked exclusively for the cinematic miracle that is Jenny from the Block.

“We find it diminishes the rate of after-movie suicide,” said the theater owner.  “And I don’t mean the career kind that tends to accompany J-Lo’s co-stars.”

As you probably know, J-Lo took a long break from acting to ruin Marc Anthony’s life.  “I’m so glad she’s on the big screen and not screaming in our big house,” said Marc Anthony.

The Back-Up Plan should have backed right up to the point where the script was artificially inseminated with J-Lo’s sperm.

Remove the tongs – before it’s too late….

REMOVE THE TONGS!

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7 Responses to “The Back-Up Plan”

  1. David Hernandez says:

    “When you witness a pile of crap steaming on a trail, its freshness may be in question, but its quality certainly is not.”

    That quote is beyond awesome. If this is your spring warm up for the summer blockbusters, then we’re in for a treat.

    Is their a book in the future Mark?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks David!

    As for the book notion, that’s a possibility! Also working on TV projects….These things brew very slowly.

    [Reply]

  2. Becky says:

    Loved your review. I only wish I had read it before I went to see this horrendously unfunny movie! I was a appalled and shocked at the same time. Appalled that I had actually agreed to see a movie that I knew would be really bad and shocked that the writers (as well as the actors) actually thought the script was film-worthy. I felt sorry for Tom Bosley and Linda Lavin – they deserved better.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’ve been feeling sorry for Tom Bosley and Linda Lavin for years.

    I don’t know if they deserve better, but I sure know we do!

    [Reply]

    Becky Reply:

    Ha! Well, it’s not like they are Academy Award winners or anything, but they were a big part of the 1970′s television culture that I grew up with. I was glad to see they were still working, but I was sad to see them in such bad roles. But then again, I was sad to see any of the actors in that movie. You have to wonder what people are thinking when they make a movie like this, don’t you? I know it’s a paycheck and all, and who am I to say bad things about a movie (since they are in a movie and I am not! Ha!), but I think I would keep looking at scripts if I had her clout.

    [Reply]

  3. Tom says:

    When you witness a pile of crap steaming on the internet, its freshness may be in question, but its quality certainly is not. It’s amazing how oblivious you are to how absolutely trite your writing is. I laughed at this part only because of the blatant irony that YOU wrote it about something else. Good god.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If you got that deep into the rant then I obviously did something right!

    Besides, the more of your time I tie up with my trite nonsense, the happier I am!

    [Reply]

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