When you witness a pile of crap steaming on a trail, its freshness may be in question, but its quality certainly is not.
Isn’t telling you it’s a Jennifer Lopez vehicle all the intel you need?
I know, what is this, 1999 or the Lifetime channel?
Yes, it seems like years since the last J-Lo movie, but time and the slightest bit of anticipation sure fly when you’re having fun.
The concept here is that, like my patience, J-Lo’s biological clock is ticking – and with any luck it will explode before my head does.
Of course, J-Lo has no boyfriend – even though in the real world her pause between relationships was shorter than this sentence and not nearly as well-crafted.
So she decides that her best path to children is artificial insemination, which is apt considering the artificial intelligence that went into the rest of this movie. So J-Lo has her eggs fertilized by a stranger, and here I thought nobody could be stranger than Marc Anthony.
Enter one-time comedian Robert Klein who hasn’t been funny since he was on the couch with Merv – and even then only because it was a funny couch. “At this point the only guy who wants to approach your hoo-haa is one wearing rubber gloves with antiseptic tongs,” said Klein.
“Are you saying my hoo-haa is a hot zone?” asked Lopez.
“It’s more like the end zone,” said Klein, who then offered a comic alternative:
“It’s more like a hot mess.”
Vote which answer you like better and already you’re having more fun than whatever audience is sorry enough to suffer The Back-Up Plan.
What if I told you this movie has J-Lo falling for a guy who makes cheese? No, I’m serious. Cheese, get it? In fact, this is the first time I’ve seen a movie where everyone involved cuts the cheese.
In my shame I entered the theater in the disguise I usually use for Jennifer Lopez movies – a fake mustache and 3D glasses. The 3-D glasses were to hide, not for a 3D view. Because only thing worse than a Jennifer Lopez movie in 3D would be one in 2D with two C’s.
And that means all of them.
At least this movie gives a role to Tom Bosley, who’s best remembered as the guy confused for the guy on Charley’s Angels. And hey, there’s Linda Lavin from the 70′s TV show Alice. What, no cast members of Barnaby Jones or Cannon? Simon and Simon must be available. Couldn’t Magnum P.I. do a walk-on?
So off to the concession stand I went, where dozens of other guys in fake mustaches and 3D glasses were ordering shots of Jack Daniels, which the theater stocked exclusively for the cinematic miracle that is Jenny from the Block.
“We find it diminishes the rate of after-movie suicide,” said the theater owner. “And I don’t mean the career kind that tends to accompany J-Lo’s co-stars.”
As you probably know, J-Lo took a long break from acting to ruin Marc Anthony’s life. “I’m so glad she’s on the big screen and not screaming in our big house,” said Marc Anthony.
The Back-Up Plan should have backed right up to the point where the script was artificially inseminated with J-Lo’s sperm.
Remove the tongs – before it’s too late….
REMOVE THE TONGS!