This is a movie where the characters may be afraid to sleep, but the audience finds the urge irresistible.
Witness an all-new generation of beautiful young people who can’t sleep and evidently can’t eat either.
You know how Freddy Kreuger morphed over the years from terrifying dreamtime boogeyman to quip-filled slasher? Well Freddy has turned in his Bruce Vilanch comebacks and is now trying to be menacing by uttering the “F” word, and judging by the stick-figure cast, I don’t mean “food.”
“Freddy can slide into my dreams, but I can slide under a door” said an all-new and all-emaciated Nancy.
We open on a model-looking dude in a diner.
Says his girlfriend, “You look like you haven’t….”
“…slept in three days?”
“No, been off an Abercrombie & Fitch billboard long enough to stretch into a third dimension. My perfectly pert nose smells trouble!”
Well, he is quickly dispatched, and we begin ticking off the roster of kids who are destined to die, all the while ticking off anyone in the audience interested enough to care.
“How can destiny eradicate such good looking, pouty, and malnourished young people?” asks the great Clancy Brown. “They have so much to live for and so little to eat!”
“Whether it’s pork chops or acting chops, it had better be served on a casting couch,” warned Nancy.
And how does Jackie Earle Haley describe his new Freddy?
“This is what happens when Gossip Girl has a character with a blemish problem and a stripe-savvy fashion sense.”
Freddy eventually comes for Nancy, too.
“Can’t this wait until after dinner? I’m serving water and Ex-Lax on the good china.”
“I’m going to cut you!” warns Freddy.
“Can you take a little off my fat hip?”
And so it goes.
“If you die in your dreams you die for real!” announces one character after reading the words silently three times to spit out the line right.
And if you see the new Nightmare on Elm Street in your dreams you’ll wish you were dead.
“Why does Freddy’s face look all stretched out like Joan Rivers’?”
“I don’t know, ask Freddy’s daughter, Melissa.”
Nancy narrowly escapes death: “I was dreaming of hollow cheeks and doing a bas relief sculpture of my rib cage.”
“Your memories are what fuels me,” says a sly Freddy.
“Carrot sticks are what fuels me,” counters Nancy.
“I could either slash you or let you continue to suck all the charisma out of your role like a black hole. Which will it be?” asked a threatening Freddy.
“How fat a black hole?”
So what we have to do is pretend the previous movies never existed and we live in a world where everybody discovers Freddy for the very first time. Then we have to pretend that the comic character who could open in Vegas for George Lopez is now frightening again.
Sorry, scary to campy is a one way trip.
Unlike Nancy’s big lunch.