A Nightmare on Elm Street

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By Mark Ramsey | 2010/05/02

I knew if I lived long enough I’d find a movie star named “Earle.”  It’s just unfortunate that I had to live long enough to see him in a completely unnecessary remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.

This is a movie where the characters may be afraid to sleep, but the audience finds the urge irresistible.

Witness an all-new generation of beautiful young people who can’t sleep and evidently can’t eat either.

You know how Freddy Kreuger morphed over the years from terrifying dreamtime boogeyman to quip-filled slasher?  Well Freddy has turned in his Bruce Vilanch comebacks and is now trying to be menacing by uttering the “F” word, and judging by the stick-figure cast, I don’t mean “food.”

“Freddy can slide into my dreams, but I can slide under a door” said an all-new and all-emaciated Nancy.

We open on a model-looking dude in a diner.

Says his girlfriend, “You look like you haven’t….”

“…slept in three days?”

“No, been off an Abercrombie & Fitch billboard long enough to stretch into a third dimension.  My perfectly pert nose smells trouble!”

Well, he is quickly dispatched, and we begin ticking off the roster of kids who are destined to die, all the while ticking off anyone in the audience interested enough to care.

“How can destiny eradicate such good looking, pouty, and malnourished young people?” asks the great Clancy Brown.  “They have so much to live for and so little to eat!”

“Whether it’s pork chops or acting chops, it had better be served on a casting couch,” warned Nancy.

And how does Jackie Earle Haley describe his new Freddy?

“This is what happens when Gossip Girl has a character with a blemish problem and a stripe-savvy fashion sense.”

Freddy eventually comes for Nancy, too.

“Can’t this wait until after dinner?  I’m serving water and Ex-Lax on the good china.”

“I’m going to cut you!” warns Freddy.

“Can you take a little off my fat hip?”

And so it goes.

“If you die in your dreams you die for real!” announces one character after reading the words silently three times to spit out the line right.

And if you see the new Nightmare on Elm Street in your dreams you’ll wish you were dead.

“Why does Freddy’s face look all stretched out like Joan Rivers’?”

“I don’t know, ask Freddy’s daughter, Melissa.”

Nancy narrowly escapes death:  “I was dreaming of hollow cheeks and doing a bas relief sculpture of my rib cage.”

“Your memories are what fuels me,” says a sly Freddy.

“Carrot sticks are what fuels me,” counters Nancy.

“I could either slash you or let you continue to suck all the charisma out of your role like a black hole.  Which will it be?” asked a threatening Freddy.

“How fat a black hole?”

So what we have to do is pretend the previous movies never existed and we live in a world where everybody discovers Freddy for the very first time. Then we have to pretend that the comic character who could open in Vegas for George Lopez is now frightening again.

Sorry, scary to campy is a one way trip.

Unlike Nancy’s big lunch.

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28 Responses to “A Nightmare on Elm Street”

  1. Wes says:

    Wow, looks like someone wishes he weren’t fat. Are you surprised they cast skinny, pretty people? have you ever seen a movie before?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Oh yeah? Just come out from your bedroom at your parents’ house and say that!

    [Reply]

    That Guy Reply:

    Who are you referring to Wes? Nobody’s fat here… unless you are. Or maybe we are all considered obese next to the stick figures they cast in movie nowadays? And, it’s quite obvious you never read a Mark Ramsey review before. Otherwise you wouldn’t ask such dumb questions.

    [Reply]

  2. Caleb says:

    I’m with Wes. What’s your deal? What did you expect the cast of a slasher movie to look like? Let alone one produced by Michael Bay…

    [Reply]

    PCachu Reply:

    Oh, that’s an easy one. If the movie is produced by Michael Bay, the cast should look like EXPLOSIONS.

    [Reply]

  3. Angela says:

    I dig that you have a problem with the casting choices. But that problem is getting in the way of telling anyone why they shouldn’t see this movie. What made it bad, other than the fact that the cast was young, skinny teenagers?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    What DIDN’T make it bad.

    [Reply]

  4. Nick says:

    You sound extremely bitter about something, Ramsey. Are you a real journalist? You basically pouted the whole time. Reviews are supposed to be just that…reviews. Not a commentary on America’s obsession with hot chicks.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    And here I thought America was obsessed with a guy who had knives for fingers!

    [Reply]

  5. Slot! says:

    Mark this isnt a review. this is just you ripping on the movie. Worst “review” ever if you can even call it that

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well I’m glad at least one of us put it in quotes!

    [Reply]

  6. IhateRamsey says:

    God. This is the first and last post I’ll ever read by Mark Ramsey. Why the hell rotten tomatoes had you listed as a critic I will never know. You must suck their ass quite a lot. In fact you generally just suck ass.

    bye xoxo gossip girl

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    It could be his or her ass, but it’s their asses – plural.

    Sorry to see you go! Not really, but I’m just saying.

    [Reply]

    Holly Reply:

    Hehe notice how much credibility people lose when they can’t even use grammar correctly…
    Good review, Mark!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks Holly!

  7. Nancy says:

    “Carrot sticks are what fuels me”

    [Reply]

  8. donuteyes says:

    wow, looks like we got a lot of fat people who got their feelings hurt reading a comedic review. here’s a thought: if you get offended at people making fun of fat people, put down the double down sandwich and lose some weight, or get a sense of humour.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Mostly I was making fun of skinny people. Fat people haven’t been so funny since Curly died.

    [Reply]

    donuteyes Reply:

    i guess that was the problem. it’s honestly kinda hard to make fun of skinny (read: normal-sized to everyone except america) people…

    [Reply]

  9. Leon says:

    Mark -

    I have no problem with skinny people – there’s one inside me, suffocating. That said, you can tell quite a bit about who a movie is trying to appeal to by the actors cast. In this case, the target audience seems to people who like bad actors delivering stupid lines with blank looks on their gaunt faces.

    I like Jackie Earle Haley, though. He has a real screen absence. The most interesting thing about his performance was how much he looked like Steve Nash with his wig on.

    I don’t know who played Nancy, but she loves these “Nightmare” movies, as the only other time I saw her was starring in “The Nightmare Before Christmas.” She was much more…animated!…in that one.

    Anyway, don’t let these haters bring you down. Like everyone who posts on internet blogs, they’ve simply been successful and beautiful for so long that they’ve forgotten how to laugh.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, beautiful people are so unforgiving, aren’t they?

    If there’s any lesson from MTV’s “The Hills” that must be it.

    That, and make sure Spencer stays on his meds.

    [Reply]

  10. Michael Bailiff says:

    The dumbing down of America is complete! And it looks like they are all ranting against Mark. Come on people, irony, satire, parody, humor! Look these words up, then look up clever and you will see the definition is Mark Ramsey.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I knew I was the definition of something, now I know it’s “parody”! Thanks!

    [Reply]

  11. Mako says:

    With skinny ppl being ripped on now, it makes me glad i’m a chunker. Chunky = healthy, right ma?

    [Reply]

  12. I'dRatherBeFishing says:

    …If people bothered to read the other reviews they’d know that Moviejuice is the place for HUMEROUS reveiws… For readers seeking more seriously themed reviews, choose the ones intended for newspapers. To all the detractors: seriously, complaining about the reviews is like going to an amusement park and being shocked that it’s chock full of roller coasters instead of lecture halls.

    Ignore the haters, Moviejuice rocks.

    Russel Crowe from Master and Commander: The Far side of the world
    “Where are ye cruise missiles when ye need them!?”

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks Fishing!

    Did I really write that M&C line? If so, I love it. If not….

    I still love it.

    [Reply]

  13. Odin says:

    This is one horror movie that shouldn’t have been rebooted. There should be a law preventing movie producers from remaking any movies from the 80′s.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Tell it to the agent who lined up Jackie for two more outings as Freddy!

    [Reply]

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