So it is with Disney’s Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.
Jake Gyllenhaal is an action figure who may be poseable but has almost no points of articulation and almost no point at all, except for the one on top of his head. Jake has never been known as a charismatic actor, and does he ever deliver according to expectation!
Jake is the Prince of Persia, and in the real world “Persia” is now called “Iran.” “I’ve always felt that the best way to play Iranian is with a fake British accent,” explained Jake.
Against all logic, legendary actor Ben Kingsley finds yet another steaming pile of crap to dip his well endowed nose into. Kingsley explained, “My agent read the fine print – I just read the script, which contains nothing fine, print or otherwise.”
“It was set in that part of Iran where all the residents come from the West and speak with British accents,” said Ben. “So I felt right at home.”
Kingsley blackened his eyebrows for this role. “Now they match what’s left of my soul,” he explained. “I used a dry erase marker and now my face smells like licorice, but at least this movie isn’t the only thing that stinks.”
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is full of the kind of clunky, stagey dialogue we don’t usually see on the big screen unless Charlton Heston is co-starring with some stone tablets. This is the kind of movie where brothers address each other as “Brother….” And the audience addresses the screen as “Oh, brother!”
“It’s funny you mention Heston, because we had a role open for Edward G. Robinson,” explained producer Jerry Bruckheimer, “I figured if I could raise David Caruso from the dead, why not Edward G. Robinson?”
Enter Alfred Molina, the Don King of ostrich races. Listen, Molina, if I want to see a beast with a long neck in a movie with fake British accents, I’ll hold out for Gwyneth Paltrow.
The war is on, and the Persian army is in full battle gear, including helmets shaped like Hershey’s Kisses.
“Kisses attack!” yelled the Prince of Persia. “Fight in cinematic slow motion! I’ll take the warriors with almonds!”
Solder after soldier is stabbed in the heart, but not a drop of blood is on any saber. “The MPAA has concluded that murder is healthy for kids but blood is not,” explained Bruckheimer.
The Prince is an amazing gymnast who can actually walk on walls! “They’re flat,” says Gyllenhaal, “just like my performance.”
The prize is the beautiful princess, she with the puffiest lips in all the kingdom. And she is the protector of a very special dagger with magical properties:
“It can turn back the sands of time,” said the Princess.
“Sands of time – I thought that was just an expression,” said Gylenhaal.
“Tell that to that bat out of Hell.”
So Jake presses a button on the dagger and transforms into an orgy of animated CGI as he zooms seconds into the past and rematerializes.
“Am I back in regular form?” he asks.
“If by ‘regular form,’ you mean ‘still confused with Tobey Maguire,’ then yes,” said the Princess.
“Good, had the sands transported me any farther into Disney’s past, I would be eating spaghetti with the Lady and the Tramp.”
I should have known Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time would be bad the minute Cinderella’s castle opened this Disney movie with a foreclosure sign at the front gate.
Live and learn.