Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

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By Mark Ramsey | 2010/06/11

“It is said some lives are linked across time….” begins the ponderous narration.  And it is said that some movies should only be seen on TNT and with Noah Wyle in the starring role.

So it is with Disney’s Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.

Jake Gyllenhaal is an action figure who may be poseable but has almost no points of articulation and almost no point at all, except for the one on top of his head.  Jake has never been known as a charismatic actor, and does he ever deliver according to expectation!

Jake is the Prince of Persia, and in the real world “Persia” is now called “Iran.”  “I’ve always felt that the best way to play Iranian is with a fake British accent,” explained Jake.

Against all logic, legendary actor Ben Kingsley finds yet another steaming pile of crap to dip his well endowed nose into. Kingsley explained, “My agent read the fine print – I just read the script, which contains nothing fine, print or otherwise.”

“It was set in that part of Iran where all the residents come from the West and speak with British accents,” said Ben.  “So I felt right at home.”

Kingsley blackened his eyebrows for this role.  “Now they match what’s left of my soul,” he explained.  “I used a dry erase marker and now my face smells like licorice, but at least this movie isn’t the only thing that stinks.”

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is full of the kind of clunky, stagey dialogue we don’t usually see on the big screen unless Charlton Heston is co-starring with some stone tablets.  This is the kind of movie where brothers address each other as “Brother….”  And the audience addresses the screen as “Oh, brother!”

“It’s funny you mention Heston, because we had a role open for Edward G. Robinson,” explained producer Jerry Bruckheimer, “I figured if I could raise David Caruso from the dead, why not Edward G. Robinson?”

Enter Alfred Molina, the Don King of ostrich races.  Listen, Molina, if I want to see a beast with a long neck in a movie with fake British accents, I’ll hold out for Gwyneth Paltrow.

The war is on, and the Persian army is in full battle gear, including helmets shaped like Hershey’s Kisses.

“Kisses attack!” yelled the Prince of Persia.  “Fight in cinematic slow motion!  I’ll take the warriors with almonds!”

Solder after soldier is stabbed in the heart, but not a drop of blood is on any saber.  “The MPAA has concluded that murder is healthy for kids but blood is not,” explained Bruckheimer.

The Prince is an amazing gymnast who can actually walk on walls!  “They’re flat,” says Gyllenhaal, “just like my performance.”

The prize is the beautiful princess, she with the puffiest lips in all the kingdom.  And she is the protector of a very special dagger with magical properties:

“It can turn back the sands of time,” said the Princess.

“Sands of time – I thought that was just an expression,” said Gylenhaal.

“Tell that to that bat out of Hell.”

So Jake presses a button on the dagger and transforms into an orgy of animated CGI as he zooms seconds into the past and rematerializes.

“Am I back in regular form?” he asks.

“If by ‘regular form,’ you mean ‘still confused with Tobey Maguire,’ then yes,” said the Princess.

“Good, had the sands transported me any farther into Disney’s past, I would be eating spaghetti with the Lady and the Tramp.”

I should have known Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time would be bad the minute Cinderella’s castle opened this Disney movie with a foreclosure sign at the front gate.

Live and learn.

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14 Responses to “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time”

  1. Leon says:

    And yet again, America is reminded that movies based on video games are bad, and movies based on video games about a guy jumping are even worse.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Something needs to jump in this movie.

    [Reply]

  2. Phillip says:

    I wish I could turn the sands of time back to before I saw this movie…After I saw this I wanted to jump too..off thenearest bridge.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t know how I resisted that most tempting of all lines….

    But now I can sleep in peace. Thanks Phil!

    [Reply]

  3. TommyB says:

    God, am I glad to have passed on that one!
    That movie probably makes ‘The Mummy 3′ look like ‘The Mummy 2′.
    Maybe if they put enough ‘sand of time’ into my eyes and ears I’d be able to live through that movie, too.

    But you nailed it. An all white western cast playing persians?
    Are we back in the 40s again?
    Say what you will, but the first two ‘Mummy’ movies at least had Oded Fehr, Patricia Velasquez (meow!) and some other non-caucasians.

    And btw, to me, the beast with the longest neck is Cynthia Nixon from ‘Sex and the City’.
    Seeing her always makes me wonder why they had to cast a white painted giraffe with a red wig.

    [Reply]

  4. Mitch says:

    “Listen, Molina, if I want to see a beast with a long neck in a movie with fake British accents, I’ll hold out for Gwyneth Paltrow.”

    Zing! But can the ostrich teach me how to make tacos?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    It depends what kind of tacos you’re talking about.

    [Reply]

  5. iamthegirljack says:

    even the trailer was bad.. the idea is BORING and jake gyllenhaal as an acion star? was some new hot dude not available? go back to brokeback mountain, jakie.

    [Reply]

    iamthegirljack Reply:

    ACTION;)

    [Reply]

  6. Jerome Van Husen says:

    The MPAA has concluded that murder is healthy for kids but blood is not,” explained Bruckheimer. – Unfortunately, Bruckheimer is not the only one resorting to using ‘stylized violence’ in order to get the MPAA to give the film a PG-13 rating.

    [Reply]

  7. maryo says:

    This is the funniest movie review ever. LMAO all the way through! Thank you, Mark Ramsey; you are my hero and I hope you have the opportunity to watch and review lots of other awful movies.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well with a comment like that how can I not! Thanks Mary!

    [Reply]

  8. [...] much more seriously than Renner.  And I would too if I was best known for the big budget stinker Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. “It was either this or play a teen mom on MTV,” explains Arterton. Indeed, this is the [...]

  9. [...] much more seriously than Renner.  And I would too if I was best known for the big budget stinker Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. “It was either this or play a teen mom on MTV,” explains Arterton. Indeed, this is the [...]

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