Fortunately, Tom Cruise finds Cameron fascinating even without spooge in her hair, and Tom rarely consorts with anyone who can’t be improved by a little spooge.
There was a time that you couldn’t get through a Cameron Diaz movie (let me finish the sentence, please) without Cameron shaking her butt in some cartoon panties. But nowadays Cameron and Laruen Bacall are sharing war stories of their days shaking it in those panties. “Bogie liked the Tom and Jerry pair,” said Bacall.
“If Tom’s with Jerry it’s news to me,” said a nervous Cameron, stealing a glance at Cruise, ever mindful of a certain nondisclosure form she signed the night of Tom’s Tony Awards viewing party.
Knight and Day is just the latest way to ruin a perfectly good Cole Porter song.
What’s this movie about, anyway?
“I’m Sylvester Stallone and you’re Kurt Russell,” says Tom.
“No, I’m Kathleen Turner and you’re Michael Douglas,” said Cameron.
“No, I’m Chris Tucker and you’re Jackie Chan.”
“No, I’m Angelina Jolie and you’re Brad Pitt.”
“God, how I’d like to be Brad Pitt,” said Tom wistfully, “especially in a movie with spooge in his hair. But no, you’re Thelma and I’m Louise.”
And so it went. Fortunately our heroes had a script.
“Yes, it was written in longhand on a roll of toilet paper – or, as Joan and Melissa Rivers would call it, the brown carpet,” said director James Mangold of 3:10 to Yuma fame, who clearly should have been on that train.
Tom Cruise is trying hard to revitalize his career – and his abs. And not necessarily in that order. I’m a believer that once you get to a certain age the best thing you can do with abs is give them a gold watch and let them sit on the beach for the rest of their lives reading romance novels. Not so, Tom’s.
While Tom is approaching age 50 with an appropriate measure of ruggedness, Cameron Diaz has turned to PIXAR to create the perfect CGI manifestation of a face. “It has been a long time since the sight of me has evoked both Buzz and Woody,” explained Cameron.
What can you say about a movie where Cameron Diaz actually delivers this line: “I’m restoring a ’66 GTO and Kansas has the best scrap”? If “Kansas” is the author of this trash, then right you are, Cameron.
Tom is some rogue spy who is trying to keep the mysterious “zephyr” out of evil hands, when in fact there’s almost nothing Tom Cruise has that hasn’t been caressed by evil hands at one time or another.
So Tom crash lands a passenger jet into a field, where he and Cameron walk away like they just stepped off an escalator. It’s just a plane crash – get over yourself! But after that things actually start getting unrealistic.
Beginning with the chemistry between these two, which is as fragrant as a beach tar-ball.
“It was either Cameron Diaz or an episode of Law & Order: SVU,” explained Tom about his career choices. I would have made like Jerry Lewis and taken the L&O episode.
Tom is “Ray” and Cameron is “June.” Together, Ray and June are names from a different era portrayed by stars from a different era. If only Knight and Day had been from a different era I could have ignored it on DVD rather than watched it in a theater with other n’er do wells, crying into their popcorn and Gummi Bears.
By the end, it’s possible that Cameron and Tom live happily ever after. Then again, they may have heard about the grosses for this film.
It could have been worse. It could have featured songs by Hall & Oates or Christopher Cross.
In the roaring traffic’s boom, in the silence of my lonely room…
I think of you.
Knight and day.