Knight and Day

17
By Mark Ramsey | 2010/06/30

The farther Cameron Diaz gets from spooge-in-the-hair roles, the less fascinating I find her.  Can’t you dab something compelling in your hair, Cameron?  Why not let some birds nest up there?  Or balance a puppy on a skateboard or something.

Fortunately, Tom Cruise finds Cameron fascinating even without spooge in her hair, and Tom rarely consorts with anyone who can’t be improved by a little spooge.

There was a time that you couldn’t get through a Cameron Diaz movie (let me finish the sentence, please) without Cameron shaking her butt in some cartoon panties.  But nowadays Cameron and Laruen Bacall are sharing war stories of their days shaking it in those panties.  “Bogie liked the Tom and Jerry pair,” said Bacall.

“If Tom’s with Jerry it’s news to me,” said a nervous Cameron, stealing a glance at Cruise, ever mindful of a certain nondisclosure form she signed the night of Tom’s Tony Awards viewing party.

Knight and Day is just the latest way to ruin a perfectly good Cole Porter song.

What’s this movie about, anyway?

“I’m Sylvester Stallone and you’re Kurt Russell,” says Tom.

“No, I’m Kathleen Turner and you’re Michael Douglas,” said Cameron.

“No, I’m Chris Tucker and you’re Jackie Chan.”

“No, I’m Angelina Jolie and you’re Brad Pitt.”

“God, how I’d like to be Brad Pitt,” said Tom wistfully, “especially in a movie with spooge in his hair.  But no, you’re Thelma and I’m Louise.”

And so it went.  Fortunately our heroes had a script.

“Yes, it was written in longhand on a roll of toilet paper – or, as Joan and Melissa Rivers would call it, the brown carpet,” said director James Mangold of 3:10 to Yuma fame, who clearly should have been on that train.

Tom Cruise is trying hard to revitalize his career – and his abs.  And not necessarily in that order. I’m a believer that once you get to a certain age the best thing you can do with abs is give them a gold watch and let them sit on the beach for the rest of their lives reading romance novels.  Not so, Tom’s.

While Tom is approaching age 50 with an appropriate measure of ruggedness, Cameron Diaz has turned to PIXAR to create the perfect CGI manifestation of a face.  “It has been a long time since the sight of me has evoked both Buzz and Woody,” explained Cameron.

What can you say about a movie where Cameron Diaz actually delivers this line: “I’m restoring a ’66 GTO and Kansas has the best scrap”?  If “Kansas” is the author of this trash, then right you are, Cameron.

Tom is some rogue spy who is trying to keep the mysterious “zephyr” out of evil hands, when in fact there’s almost nothing Tom Cruise has that hasn’t been caressed by evil hands at one time or another.

So Tom crash lands a passenger jet into a field, where he and Cameron walk away like they just stepped off an escalator.  It’s just a plane crash – get over yourself!  But after that things actually start getting unrealistic.

Beginning with the chemistry between these two, which is as fragrant as a beach tar-ball.

“It was either Cameron Diaz or an episode of Law & Order: SVU,” explained Tom about his career choices.  I would have made like Jerry Lewis and taken the L&O episode.

Tom is “Ray” and Cameron is “June.”  Together, Ray and June are names from a different era portrayed by stars from a different era.  If only Knight and Day had been from a different era I could have ignored it on DVD rather than watched it in a theater with other n’er do wells, crying into their popcorn and Gummi Bears.

By the end, it’s possible that Cameron and Tom live happily ever after.  Then again, they may have heard about the grosses for this film.

It could have been worse.  It could have featured songs by Hall & Oates or Christopher Cross.

Oops.

In the roaring traffic’s boom, in the silence of my lonely room…

I think of you.

Knight and day.

17

17 Responses to “Knight and Day”

  1. Brawwn says:

    This is a real f***ing joke of a review. All the critic talks about is people j***ing on his hair or something like that. Not a credible review whatsoever. Mark Ramsey this is the worst review I have ever read, gives no insight to the film whatsoever, you talk about how you want Tom Cruises’s abs and Camerons spooge on your head. This is a f***ing rancid review.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well obviously I have achieved my goal.

    I am hated by a guy named “Brawwn.”

    [Reply]

  2. Jake says:

    I’m so glad this site gets listed along with boring reviews so that people like Brawwn (whose name is Celtic for “I shout F words from Hell where I got my sense of humor) can write and whine.

    Thanks Mark, for yet another moment of good reading!

    PS: Do you also have a goal to be hated by a guy named Oppenberry, because I have a friend….

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Quick! Hide! You are too wise for the Internet! Thanks for the note, Jake.

    Given the joys of the net, aspiring to be hated is infinitely easier than aspiring to be loved.

    [Reply]

  3. Leon says:

    I don’t get this movie. AT ALL. He’s sleeping with Cameron, but he loves Penelope Cruz? And it’s a dream? And I should test my thetan level?

    Screw this noise. I’m going to go see Marmaduke again.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Your thetans obviously index at a level lower than the box office for Knight and Day.

    [Reply]

  4. mark says:

    This movie is a rehash of Mission Impossible , which also sucked it hard. I wouldn’t waste my Knight or Day to watch this crap filled thriller. I agree the movie could have been improved by a little spooge. Tom finds everything exciting sense he’s been with Katie BuzzKill Cruz. Now if he played Les Grossman in this movie then it would have been the shit.

    [Reply]

  5. Mako says:

    *spLooge

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You made me go to all the trouble of logging in just to approve THAT?

    [Reply]

  6. Nathan Johnson says:

    This was a feel good movie, and did a very good job with it’s goal. Why make it so complicated or hate on actors for random things in their past? I get it, I get it – you’re being clever. And the movie is currently not making money. Well, bravo captain obvious.
    I’ll give you this though – That is one awesome Cole Porter song, and love the quote at the end…

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    How dare you say something critical AND kind in the same comment! How am I supposed to get upset about that?!

    Thanks for the note.

    - Captain Obvious

    [Reply]

  7. iamthegirljack says:

    fun review, and cameron looks like 50 ..whats up with her face??

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t know where her motorcycle has been, but wherever it was it hit more than one wall – if you know what I’m saying.

    [Reply]

    iamthegirljack Reply:

    i have to say , its kinda cool that you comment on almost every comment..refreshing ;)

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I should have let this one go without comment – but I couldn’t resist.

    Thanks!

  8. Jaquie says:

    Holy crap – now I know why I haven’t read your reviews on purpose. It has happened, unfortunately, a time or two by accident while clicking through rotten tomatoes. Believe me, it won’t happen again. Talk about a waste of time? I really want my minute back. You should concentrate on trying to REALLY write a review rather than coming up with quirky phrases and sentences that are anything but. A ‘movie review’ should leave you with something (anything) about the movie. This review does nothing of the sort – either bad or good. Rather, it is non-stop blah, blah, blah that ultimately says nothing. Hopefully my site-blocker application works. First time I’ve ever used it, but definitely worth it if it stops this place from loading again.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    No one hopes your site blocker application works more than I do, believe me.

    [Reply]

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