The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

By Mark Ramsey | 2010/07/06

In the soggy saga of Twilight, Eclipse is the least unwatchable chapter yet.

And while that’s a compliment of sorts, it also reflects a bar set so low Bella and Edward could roll over it when they’re in another of those pointless “laying about in an open field” scenes that clutter this movie like angst covers teens.

Once again, every resident of Forks, WA would rather die than see Bella Swan do the same.

“Of course, we’d also rather die than have our hair styled outside Seattle,”  said Alice, who spends her days resting inside of a giant coffin-shaped Nordstrom bag.  “Take one look at me – you can tell I sleep in tissue paper,” she noted.

There are zillions of people suffering in this world, so why the piercing need to save Bella?  “We don’t have an Apple Store, and Bella is the next best thing,” explained Edward, the head brooder in this vampire clan.

The beautiful people in Seattle are being killed, one by one.

“At this rate, Seattle will resemble Cincinnati,” cautioned Edward.

“I don’t know what that is, but it does not sound like a place where snooty vampires would live in a glass house,” said Jasper.

“Could we wear our shetland wool sweaters and pinpoint oxford shirts there?” asked Dr. Carlisle Cullen.

Vampire newborns are killing civilians – and they must be stopped before they kill Bella!  Quick, find someone who sparkles in the sun like a mylar balloon, and let’s go!

Robert Pattinson is an actor whose sole expression is surprise at his unlikely good fortune.

“Marry me!” he pleads.

“If I’m going to marry someone who’s dead, at least he should have a job,” says Bella.

“Although,” Bella’s friend reminded her, “who wouldn’t prefer a dead boyfriend to one you wish was dead?”

Enter the Big CGI Dogs.

Because Forks, WA, is the world capital of Big CGI Dogs.  Even the official Forks Sno-Globe features a Big CGI Dog with Big CGI Snow.

“Anyone who thinks those big dogs look real must also think we get our makeup off the shelf at CVS,” said Alice, as the Cullens run through the forest, boomeranging off of trees.

“I’m a vampire pinball!  I’m a vampire pinball!” Jasper shouted.

“Is there anywhere in this town where one can get one’s fangs bleached?” asked Alice.

“I do teeth whitening out of my meth lab,” offered Jacob, helpfully.

As always, everybody’s in love with Bella because grouchy looks so good in plaid.

It’s a small town – you’d think everyone would get along.  Except the Big CGI Dogs hate the vampires and the vampires hate a bad complexion and natural hair coloring.

As we prepare to fight the newborn vampire clan, Jasper provides valuable lessons in warfare: “Never lose focus!” “Never turn your back on your enemy!” “Don’t run with scissors!”  Jasper, you see, first learned his skills in the Confederate Army in the Civil War – and we all know how that worked out.

“I know you feel something for me,” Jacob muttered to Bella.  Or was “Bella” simply the name for Jacob’s mirror in his home gym?  “I know when I do curls I feel something for me.  And when I bench press 500 pounds I’m convinced I’m in love with me.”

“Yes, but can you wear lipstick and make it work the way I do?” asked Edward.

Come to find out there’s a vampire army being recruited in Seattle.  And this is the kind of army you can’t find outside the lunch line at the school cafeteria.

“Should we be frightened of an army that’s waiting for tater tots?” asked Bella.

So the Cullens draft their own army – “We’re the kind of army that can’t get soiled or get our makeup or hair mussed,” said Jasper.

“What’s that, the Ryan Seacrest Army?” asked Jacob.

And so arrives the climactic confrontation between the Ryan Seacrest Army and the Tater Tot Tribe, led by none other than Dakota Fanning.

“Don’t shoot until you see the whites of her talking pig’s eyes!” said Edward.

Naturally, everything works out in favor of our heroes, and we end where we began:  Laying about in a field of flowers.

Looking forward to the day when the Twilight franchise is pushing up daisies.


14 Responses to “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse”

  1. TommyB says:

    “…a bar set so low Bella and Edward could roll over it…”
    Is that the new dance called “Twilight Limbo”?

    Anyway, thanks for the sacrifice of watching the movie.
    The hard comedic life in Hollywood finally pays off.
    While the rest of us would leave the movie theater with our minds gone totally blank, you can make something funny out of it.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Tom, the hard comedic life has bestowed its blessings unto you!

    Thanks for the note.


  2. Leon says:

    I wonder if the great Hayden Christensen watches the Twilight movies in a vodka stupor, cursing to himself when he sees Robert Pattinson mumble out his lines, wondering why HE didn’t get to be the sparkly vampire.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    So true. Pattinson is certainly the Mark Hamill, er, Hayden Christenson of the Twilight series.

    Let’s face it, Harrison Ford, er, Taylor Laughton even has a movie star name.

    Or a great name to sing Country.


    TommyB Reply:

    Ah, and I thought ‘Sir Taylor Laughton’ would be Chewbacca.
    He certainly can turn into some hairy beast.
    Well, I guess that, in a couple of years, Kristen Stewart will be one, too.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That would require Taylor’s voice to change first.

  3. Teemeah says:

    That was fun to read, though I really don’t get why mature people get so pissed off at a franchise aimed at teenagers? :) What did you expect of a willingly PG-13 movie? :) Hot sex and dripping blood? This is not Dexter :)) I enjoyed a movie, it did not make me feel like watching the clock, two hours passed by like ‘whoa, did this just end?’ The pace was good. The wigs were horrible, yes, I wish with a budget like that Summit wouldn’t act like a Scotsman and would be willing to pay for a GOOD makeup artist and hair stylist… For me this was the only really annoying thing in the film. And Taylor Lautner’s constant nakedness. Doesn’t Summit have money to buy him a decent shirt? Really? :))

    Other than that, it was pretty watchable, more so than New Moon. I’m looking forward to Breaking Dawn and how they actually deal with the sex scene and the birth scene there -while staying PG-13 LOL :))))


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Maybe they’ll pixelate the sex scene. I think of it as digital beer goggles.

    BTW, I think you just did a spoiler for those of us who don’t read books about teenaged vampires.

    Lautner? I still think “Sir Taylor Laughton” sounds better.

    As for the shirts, Summit has them written out of the scripts. One day I suspect they’ll write in a sleeveless shirt and maybe some capris for Kristin, but I’m not holding my breath.


  4. Teemeah says:

    You mean they would gradually undress the cast and not just Tay-Tay? :) I’d LOVE that :) Edward definitely needs to show more skin, I’m TIRED of his blue shirts (no other colour in the stylist’s wardrobe?).

    Spoiler? Uh, those who didn’t read the books AND will watch Breaking Dawn are likely to be critics like yourself – and I’m not worried about YOU being VERY unhappy about spoilers :DDD And in any case, a lot of articles written about Eclipse and interviews done with scriptwriter Melissa Rosenberg already have clues given for these scenes so…. no nothing to spoil, really :)


  5. iamthegirljack says:

    i have seen a few parts from the movie and in all of them jacob was undressed. i mean i am just a 21 year-old-girl, i would totally do naughty things with him, but is this really what a movie should depend on?? kristen stewart is just ridiculous, not even cute-category, robert is..well he plays a vampire..wohoo


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Are you kidding? That’s ALL this movie depends on.

    But don’t worry – you’re too old for Jacob.

    And, some would say, too female.


  6. Loki says:

    um, Mark? Dakota Fanning is not the leader of the Tater Tot Tribe, Victoria (red hair) is. Dakota is a member of the vampire ruling class, the Volturi. And I thought the CGI dogs were cute. Peace!


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    When I think of Dakota Fanning I think of tater tots. I can’t help it.

    Yes, you’re right. She actually represents the Voldopey. The tater tots were just too tempting.


  7. Bane says:

    mmm tater tots


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