And while that’s a compliment of sorts, it also reflects a bar set so low Bella and Edward could roll over it when they’re in another of those pointless “laying about in an open field” scenes that clutter this movie like angst covers teens.
Once again, every resident of Forks, WA would rather die than see Bella Swan do the same.
“Of course, we’d also rather die than have our hair styled outside Seattle,” said Alice, who spends her days resting inside of a giant coffin-shaped Nordstrom bag. “Take one look at me – you can tell I sleep in tissue paper,” she noted.
There are zillions of people suffering in this world, so why the piercing need to save Bella? “We don’t have an Apple Store, and Bella is the next best thing,” explained Edward, the head brooder in this vampire clan.
The beautiful people in Seattle are being killed, one by one.
“At this rate, Seattle will resemble Cincinnati,” cautioned Edward.
“I don’t know what that is, but it does not sound like a place where snooty vampires would live in a glass house,” said Jasper.
“Could we wear our shetland wool sweaters and pinpoint oxford shirts there?” asked Dr. Carlisle Cullen.
Vampire newborns are killing civilians – and they must be stopped before they kill Bella! Quick, find someone who sparkles in the sun like a mylar balloon, and let’s go!
Robert Pattinson is an actor whose sole expression is surprise at his unlikely good fortune.
“Marry me!” he pleads.
“If I’m going to marry someone who’s dead, at least he should have a job,” says Bella.
“Although,” Bella’s friend reminded her, “who wouldn’t prefer a dead boyfriend to one you wish was dead?”
Enter the Big CGI Dogs.
Because Forks, WA, is the world capital of Big CGI Dogs. Even the official Forks Sno-Globe features a Big CGI Dog with Big CGI Snow.
“Anyone who thinks those big dogs look real must also think we get our makeup off the shelf at CVS,” said Alice, as the Cullens run through the forest, boomeranging off of trees.
“I’m a vampire pinball! I’m a vampire pinball!” Jasper shouted.
“Is there anywhere in this town where one can get one’s fangs bleached?” asked Alice.
“I do teeth whitening out of my meth lab,” offered Jacob, helpfully.
As always, everybody’s in love with Bella because grouchy looks so good in plaid.
It’s a small town – you’d think everyone would get along. Except the Big CGI Dogs hate the vampires and the vampires hate a bad complexion and natural hair coloring.
As we prepare to fight the newborn vampire clan, Jasper provides valuable lessons in warfare: “Never lose focus!” “Never turn your back on your enemy!” “Don’t run with scissors!” Jasper, you see, first learned his skills in the Confederate Army in the Civil War – and we all know how that worked out.
“I know you feel something for me,” Jacob muttered to Bella. Or was “Bella” simply the name for Jacob’s mirror in his home gym? “I know when I do curls I feel something for me. And when I bench press 500 pounds I’m convinced I’m in love with me.”
“Yes, but can you wear lipstick and make it work the way I do?” asked Edward.
Come to find out there’s a vampire army being recruited in Seattle. And this is the kind of army you can’t find outside the lunch line at the school cafeteria.
“Should we be frightened of an army that’s waiting for tater tots?” asked Bella.
So the Cullens draft their own army – “We’re the kind of army that can’t get soiled or get our makeup or hair mussed,” said Jasper.
“What’s that, the Ryan Seacrest Army?” asked Jacob.
And so arrives the climactic confrontation between the Ryan Seacrest Army and the Tater Tot Tribe, led by none other than Dakota Fanning.
“Don’t shoot until you see the whites of her talking pig’s eyes!” said Edward.
Naturally, everything works out in favor of our heroes, and we end where we began: Laying about in a field of flowers.
Looking forward to the day when the Twilight franchise is pushing up daisies.