We open on Adrien Brody tumbling from the sky – and several miles behind him the rest of his nose was falling, too.
“As long as I don’t land on a planet where aliens take style cues from Whoopi Goldberg,” said Brody, clutching his Oscar as if it was Mel Gibson’s last friend.
“Help me, help me!” screamed the Oscar, as it awoke to realize that it was in the possession of the star of Predators.
“Did the Danny Glover sequel and an encounter with Aliens leave that many unanswered questions?” asked the frantic Oscar.
“Listen Oscar, it’s not like I’m Tatum O’Neil – or like I’m about to land at the feet of B-movie stalwart Danny Trejo,” shouted Brody, as he landed at the feet of B-movie stalwart Danny Trejo.
“Welcome, Tatum!” said Trejo.
“I have a nose for trouble, and as you can see it’s for really big trouble,” said Adrien. as his nose emerged from its trailer with its stylist and publicist in tow.
Adrien is in the company of a troop of strangers, all deposited on this planet because the penal system deems them unreformable.
“Where’s David Spade? His penile system has been unreformable for years,” noted Trejo, whose face looks like it was shaved with a chainsaw in a room full of distractions.
“Stop making cracks” croaked Brody. “This is the movie where I prove I can grouse and mutter like Clint Eastwood!”
Adrien is former Black Ops – a mercenary soldier. And he and these strangers have been “chosen.”
“But chosen for what?” he asked.
“Chosen because you are cheap,” answered producer Robert Rodriguez, who seems determined to do to movie audiences what he has been doing to Rose McGowan for years now: Screw us.
And who is this unlikely crew? One Asian, an African, a Hispanic, a woman….It’s either an assembly designed for international box office appeal or day care at Angelina Jolie’s house.
“What planet is this?” asked Adrien.
“Wherever it is, my iPhone 4 keeps dropping calls,” said Danny Trejo.
“It’s a place where the budget is almost as low as the box office expectations,” said a fatter-than-ever Laurence Fishburne.
“Well at least there’s a lot of food here,” said Adrien.
“And that’s after I ate two of the three moons,” noted Fishburne.
Leave it to the people of Earth to find an uninhabited Earth-like planet and turn it into a wild animal park.
“But it’s beautiful in what’s left of the moonlight,” said Fishburne with a burp.
Don’t let the lack of polarized glasses fool you, Predators is 3D: Drab, dull, and dumb.
What do you expect from a movie directed by a guy named “Nimrod.”