Is it possible that this woman just keeps getting thinner? I’m pretty sure I could break Angie in two if I blew at her before she braced herself. Small wonder that AMC Theater is passing a can for donations. It cost me 32 cents a day to sponsor Angelina Jolie, but it’s worth it.
We open on a North Korean prison, where Angelina is held hostage. “Worse than the torture was the fact that my dad, Jon Voight, had visitor privileges,” said Jolie.
What kind of torture was Angie forced to suffer? The kind that bruises her lip. “You can’t miss that lip,” said a defensive North Korean interrogator. “We tried to torture around it, but it kept getting in the way.”
But that was back in the day. Now Angie is a high ranked CIA agent who can interview spies, create exploding diversions, blind video cameras with fire extinguishers, crawl along a high-rise ledge, jump off walls, ride atop a tanker, and do it all in a sensible skirt.
Said the tanker driver to his wife:
“Honey, I had Anglina Jolie riding on top of me today.”
“In your dreams.”
So is Angie a Russian spy? Or is it a deception? Come on, a hot Russian spy? What are the odds of that?
Umm, oh yeah. Okay, well how about one assigned to infiltrate something other than Facebook?
Angie’s on the run, so she has to go into deep cover: She puts on a knit cap, whereupon she looks like a pencil in a knit cap.
“Hey, who stuck those lips on that pencil?”
“An all-points-bulletin has been issued for a Mr. Potato-Head of pencil spies!”
Look out, Angie! Fortunately, she can escape from any bind as long as somebody cranks up a rockin’ soundtrack.
And what about her husband, the guy nobody recognizes or cares about?
“I’m an arachnologist.”
“An erect what?”
Let’s see, you’ve just assassinated a world leader. Now what? I know! Time for dinner at the White House!
So Angie disguises herself as Mario Cantone for whom the White House evidently has an open door policy.
“I can’t even get into a White Castle, let alone the White House,” grumbled the real Cantone, crossing his fingers in vain for Sex and the City III.
“Some White Houses are more Chris Noth, others are more Mario Cantone,” explained the helpful White House gate guard as he ushered the Salahis and their camera crew towards the VIP entrance.
So will Angie ignite World War Whatever-We’re-Up-To-Now? Or will she save the world from itself the way she saved Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston?
What do you think?
This much is for sure: The journey of Salt is its own reward.
This Salt takes a licking and keeps on licking back.