Salt

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By Mark Ramsey | 2010/07/26

In Salt, we get to see Angelina kick an international bevy of ass.  I feel like I’ve seen this before – in every Angelina Jolie movie except for the ones nobody sees, in fact.

Is it possible that this woman just keeps getting thinner?  I’m pretty sure I could break Angie in two if I blew at her before she braced herself.  Small wonder that AMC Theater is passing a can for donations.  It cost me 32 cents a day to sponsor Angelina Jolie, but it’s worth it.

We open on a North Korean prison, where Angelina is held hostage.  “Worse than the torture was the fact that my dad, Jon Voight, had visitor privileges,” said Jolie.

What kind of torture was Angie forced to suffer?  The kind that bruises her lip.  “You can’t miss that lip,” said a defensive North Korean interrogator.  “We tried to torture around it, but it kept getting in the way.”

But that was back in the day.  Now Angie is a high ranked CIA agent who can interview spies, create exploding diversions, blind video cameras with fire extinguishers, crawl along a high-rise ledge, jump off walls, ride atop a tanker, and do it all in a sensible skirt.

Said the tanker driver to his wife:

“Honey, I had Anglina Jolie riding on top of me today.”

“In your dreams.”

So is Angie a Russian spy?  Or is it a deception?  Come on, a hot Russian spy?  What are the odds of that?

Umm, oh yeah.  Okay, well how about one assigned to infiltrate something other than Facebook?

Angie’s on the run, so she  has to go into deep cover:  She puts on a knit cap, whereupon she looks like a pencil in a knit cap.

With lips.

“Hey, who stuck those lips on that pencil?”

“An all-points-bulletin has been issued for a Mr. Potato-Head of pencil spies!”

Look out, Angie!  Fortunately, she can escape from any bind as long as somebody cranks up a rockin’ soundtrack.

And what about her husband, the guy nobody recognizes or cares about?

“I’m an arachnologist.”

“An erect what?”

“Exactly.”

Let’s see, you’ve just assassinated a world leader.  Now what? I know! Time for dinner at the White House!

So Angie disguises herself as Mario Cantone for whom the White House evidently has an open door policy.

“I can’t even get into a White Castle, let alone the White House,” grumbled the real Cantone, crossing his fingers in vain for Sex and the City III.

“Some White Houses are more Chris Noth, others are more Mario Cantone,” explained the helpful White House gate guard as he ushered the Salahis and their camera crew towards the VIP entrance.

So will Angie ignite World War Whatever-We’re-Up-To-Now?  Or will she save the world from itself the way she saved Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston?

What do you think?

This much is for sure:  The journey of Salt is its own reward.

This Salt takes a licking and keeps on licking back.

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16 Responses to “Salt”

  1. Tom Ato says:

    Now see? This is better. I came directly to your site for satire and it was a fun read. Had I come to this site for the Predators review I believe I would have like it as well if not better.

    The aggregator site RottenTomatoes.com should have let me know your Predators posting was satirical when I was on their site looking for actual reviews. That said, is it too much to ask for satirists to inform early in the posting as some reviewers note “spoilers” to apprise the reader?

    In this hectic world time is a very valuable commodity and we appreciate it when those providing a service show us they they value it as well.

    Kind regards

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, setting up expectations is a plus. Then again, it makes for less colorful hate mail.

    I think I was vague enough not to violate the spoiler rule – but yes, it’s a close call. Then again, did I really give anything away? Did I really? (That’s for folks who saw the movie).

    See, MovieJuice grows on you – like some dreaded disease.

    [Reply]

  2. Tom Ato says:

    Actually, I’m less sensitive about the spoilers as I am about “review vs satire” but I’ll move on from that.

    And agree, with rankings more dependent on the updates, user generated content serves as a willing accomplice to increase your rankings in organic search.

    By the way, I really liked the ” It cost me 32 cents a day to sponsor Angelina Jolie, but it’s worth it.” LMAO on that one.

    I will say that I actually liked Predators more than Salt for mindless entertainment but maybe I’m a little biased against Jolie due to her esoteric adoption practices, the continued patronage of all causes outside our borders, and the continued importuning of the American people to sponsor them, whilst requiring us to pay such extortionate ticket/concession prices for her contibution to content (outside “Girl Interrupted”) that can only be labeled as average; even for Hollywood standards.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Having stood beside Angie and having had her hand on my back and mine on hers for a precious moment during a photograph, all I can tell you is this: You don’t know what you’re missing.

    [Reply]

    Tom Ato Reply:

    Okay. You got me there. If I had a photo op and was that close to her maybe i’d be singing a different tune as well. It would really be hypocritical of me to say otherwise; especially not having that experience.

    But allow me to inquire….is she really tall?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t remember her being that tall – but I do remember her being that thin.

  3. Ashton C says:

    I don’t know Mark, I didnt think this movie was the second coming of Christ or anything but I have to admit I really take offense at what I consider slight homophobic overtones of your review:

    “So Angie disguises herself as Mario Cantone for whom the White House evidently has an open door policy.”

    Seriously man? what the f**k is that supposed to mean??

    As if the “I’m pretty sure I could break Angie in two if I blew at her before she braced herself. ” wasn’t offensive enough, (because you know, implied violence against women is just so funny).

    I know you are trying to be funny, and by trying I really mean failing, but how about doing the job you get paid to and just reviewing a damn movie for once??

    If it’s not you whining like a toddler or giving the whole stories away, it’s you trying to audition for Next Comic Standing, Which only leads me to believe that either you are not very good at your job or that you actually get off doing a shitty one just to ruffle people’s feathers. Oh well.

    I guess you owe me a shirt that says:

    I came to Movie Juice looking for an honest and competent movie review and all I got from Mark was a homophobic Mario Cantone reference???

    Please bitch.

    AC

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well, I’m sorry. But the very idea of Mario Cantone at the White House is funny. What that has to do with homophobia I don’t know. But it has plenty to do with Mariophobia. And you have to admit, Angie was a dead ringer for Cantone. Come on.

    So yes, I am 100% Mariophobic! Just thinking about Mario gives me a chill. And I think Mario and Fran Drescher are sharing the same voice.

    [Reply]

    Mitch Reply:

    This is my favorite comment, I believe AC is somehow getting ‘open door policy’ and ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ shorted together in his mind, producing a wonderfully bizarre portmanteau.

    [Reply]

  4. mfan says:

    The joke about security at the white house is funnier than you think. Don’t you remember those just regular people who were able to crash a White House Dinner?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Read the piece again – I referenced that.

    Nothing is funnier than I think. Usually things are less funny than I think.

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    Sid Reply:

    Now that’s funny

    [Reply]

  5. Vicky says:

    Your hilarious! Please keep writing reviews!!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Hey thanks Vicky!

    [Reply]

  6. iamthegirljack says:

    pencil with lips nails it!
    would it kill miss jolie to be in a comedy or something because her: i am such a badass LOOKTME, i can jump over a cow-attitude is boring. shes been there and done that in tomb raider,wanted, mr and ms smith…..

    [Reply]

  7. Suhaib says:

    “In Salt, we get to see Angelina kick an international bevy of ass. I feel like I’ve seen this before – in every Angelina Jolie movie except for the ones nobody sees, in fact.” You couldn’t have said better.

    Brilliant reviews Mark. You are more entertaining than the movie itself and free of charge.

    [Reply]

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