The Expendables

By Mark Ramsey | 2010/08/30

So Sly Stallone is back on top of the box office.

No, I don’t just mean The Expendables opened big.  I mean he has literally been working to fix the roof on top of the box office. “Nowadays I lay roof tile instead of Brigitte Nielsen.  Or I lay roof tile I affectionately refer to as Brigitte Nielsen,” said Sly.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

“Would you like to upgrade to motion effects seats?” asked the ticket-seller at my local movie house.

“What are those?”

“Seats that move you.”

“Can I upgrade to a movie that moves me?”

And, with the answer being an obvious and unspoken “no,” so began my Expendables adventure.

Wow, I haven’t seen this much over-the-hill action since Don Ameche and Hume Cronyn did laps in Cocoon.  But as an alternative to Eat, Pray, Love, who could ask for more than Flex, Mumble, Ache! When I get home I’ll have to tune in Rick Dees on Solid Gold!

What’s The Expendables about?  It’s about time to hang it up, boys.

It’s always great to see Michelle Rodriguez on the big screen.  No, she’s not in The Expendables, but at least I had two hours to contemplate how great it would be to see her on the big screen.

Witness the career renaissance of none other than Dolph Lundgren. One might have expected Dolph’s name in bright lights to be only slightly less likely than walking to the horizon and tumbling off the edge of a flat Earth.  Unless those bright lights were shining on the register at a 7-11, I mean.

Sly, Dolph, and the crew work for Mickey Rourke, who resembles the union of an oil spill and a trash dump.

“It’s time to send in the Special Ops,” said Mickey.  “And by ‘Special Ops,’ I mean special operations on your back and your knees.”

“Did the advance team disrupt the tactical network?” asked Sly.

“Yes,” said Mickey.  “Wilford Brimley, George Kennedy, and Ernest Borgnine messed ‘em up pretty good.”

“They killed ‘em?”

“No, they just complained at them and changed all their TV’s to the History Channel.”

Who better to add to this mix than the ultimate counterpunch to Julia Roberts: Her brother Eric.  Best known nowadays as the star of VH1′s Celebrity Rehab and the forthcoming Syfy channel extravaganza Sharktopus, Eric has come a long way since Star 80, and he has obviously done it without a GPS device.

Now bow to the secret ingredients to this deep-fried Twinkie of a movie: The men known as Willis and Schwarzenegger.  Both in cameos that are like Tic Tacs to the noxious belch that is the rest of Stallone’s movie.

“This movie is made for an audience whose idea of action is the repetitive stress injury caused by a bag of chips,” said Stallone.

“There’s no stress worse than repetitive stress,” added Rourke, flashing back to the days when 9 1/2 Weeks was a movie instead of the amount of time it takes him to get to the bathroom.

So Stallone gathers weaponry, dresses in some camo-gear, and removes from his mantle one of his favorite snarls which he proceeds to dangle beneath his nose for the rest of the movie.

Time to fly to a far-off island to lean on an army of guys in red berets and sashes!

“Are we here to create mayhem, or to buy Girl Scout cookies?” asked Jason Statham.

“We’re here to take control of an island, and to do it fast – because they’re showing Fred Astaire in Swing Time in the community room at dinner at 4pm,” said Stallone.

The Expendables proves that no man is truly expendable, and that the retirement age should be raised to infinity.

It’s a movie that makes you forget that “dumb” is a four-letter word.


16 Responses to “The Expendables”

  1. Die Hard fangirl says:

    On the contrary. I like a movie that makes me forget that “dumb” is a four-letter word.

    Sometimes a girl just need a movie to ROCK her world…something loud enough to bust eardrums, and burn off any brain cells which question the validity of the plot and the purpose of the movie.

    The world is too full of questions and worries. Bring me back to the innocent times of the 1980s where men were real men and they kicked ass…not vampires, werewolves, and pre-pubescent kids.

    I liked it.

    PS. Tip: Out of all the Die Hards…#3 with motherf**king Samuel L Jackson is the best. Go explosions!


    Apostasy Reply:

    You have a great taste in movies.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I think I’m going to need Tom Hanks to sweep in and uncover some clues so I can decipher your message.


    donuteyes Reply:

    ma’am, when you’re done reminiscing about die hard, could you go ahead and bring another round to my table? and maybe some nachos?


  2. Dave says:

    What an ageist review. Next time how bout you judge the movie, not the age of its actors? Must be nice to be 20 years old and know EVERYTHING, what are YOU going to be doing at 40?


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Probably boycotting Expendables VI.


  3. jp says:

    the problem with your very funny writing is that it makes me want to see these very bad movies!


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Wow, that is a problem! Especially, I’m afraid, for you! :-) Thanks for the note.


  4. Suhaib says:

    Whenever I find a trashy movie I run and read your reviews Mark, that is the best they offer. I saw the new predator flick when I read your review on it and comments by the fans and yes Mr. Brody has a big nose.

    Thanks for being very honest and keeping it enjoyable to read.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    We are both really observant, aren’t we?

    Thanks for the note!


  5. Peter says:

    You are probably a huge flamer, i highly suggest twlight eclipse, i think its right up your alley.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Which part of The Expendables do you think is most manly? Sly’s cosmetic surgery or Mickey Rooney’s cosmetic surgery?


  6. chad says:

    ill have to agree with some other reviewers. what are you, like 20? and by the way, check out how much money this “dumb” movie made. how much did you make this year? thats what i thought. its critics like you that make a “guys” movie fail at the box office, meanwhile boasting something like ” the devil wears prada ” or some other chick flick . just so you do know, the movie as of the first of dec, not counting dvd sales, has already grossed over 200,000,000, thats about 140mil over production cost. and if it has to much adrenaline for you, maybe you should stick to watching cartoons and get out of reviewing movies. you sound about as ignorant as a college freshman. and next review, try actually reviewing instead of taking a bunch of movie quotes you dont understand and posting them.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well, now that I know it made money I will take back my opinion. Because everything that makes money is great, just ask Dancing with the Stars and Donald Trump, for two.


  7. Ramubay says:

    Always interesting to read what the gay reviewers have to say. What a dumb shit. Remember, John Wayne made action pics for 40 years, even while he was dying of cancer, and he could kick the reviewers ass ten years after he died. The Expendables wouldn’t bother, if they made pansy boy bleed they’d get AIDS.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    What a fascinating and thoughtful note, full of the sort of considered argumentation that would make any debater proud. You should be very proud of yourself, sir. Or should I say “Yu shud be vary prodd o’ yerself, bubba!”


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