No, I don’t just mean The Expendables opened big. I mean he has literally been working to fix the roof on top of the box office. “Nowadays I lay roof tile instead of Brigitte Nielsen. Or I lay roof tile I affectionately refer to as Brigitte Nielsen,” said Sly.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
“Would you like to upgrade to motion effects seats?” asked the ticket-seller at my local movie house.
“What are those?”
“Seats that move you.”
“Can I upgrade to a movie that moves me?”
And, with the answer being an obvious and unspoken “no,” so began my Expendables adventure.
Wow, I haven’t seen this much over-the-hill action since Don Ameche and Hume Cronyn did laps in Cocoon. But as an alternative to Eat, Pray, Love, who could ask for more than Flex, Mumble, Ache! When I get home I’ll have to tune in Rick Dees on Solid Gold!
What’s The Expendables about? It’s about time to hang it up, boys.
It’s always great to see Michelle Rodriguez on the big screen. No, she’s not in The Expendables, but at least I had two hours to contemplate how great it would be to see her on the big screen.
Witness the career renaissance of none other than Dolph Lundgren. One might have expected Dolph’s name in bright lights to be only slightly less likely than walking to the horizon and tumbling off the edge of a flat Earth. Unless those bright lights were shining on the register at a 7-11, I mean.
Sly, Dolph, and the crew work for Mickey Rourke, who resembles the union of an oil spill and a trash dump.
“It’s time to send in the Special Ops,” said Mickey. “And by ‘Special Ops,’ I mean special operations on your back and your knees.”
“Did the advance team disrupt the tactical network?” asked Sly.
“Yes,” said Mickey. “Wilford Brimley, George Kennedy, and Ernest Borgnine messed ‘em up pretty good.”
“They killed ‘em?”
“No, they just complained at them and changed all their TV’s to the History Channel.”
Who better to add to this mix than the ultimate counterpunch to Julia Roberts: Her brother Eric. Best known nowadays as the star of VH1′s Celebrity Rehab and the forthcoming Syfy channel extravaganza Sharktopus, Eric has come a long way since Star 80, and he has obviously done it without a GPS device.
Now bow to the secret ingredients to this deep-fried Twinkie of a movie: The men known as Willis and Schwarzenegger. Both in cameos that are like Tic Tacs to the noxious belch that is the rest of Stallone’s movie.
“This movie is made for an audience whose idea of action is the repetitive stress injury caused by a bag of chips,” said Stallone.
“There’s no stress worse than repetitive stress,” added Rourke, flashing back to the days when 9 1/2 Weeks was a movie instead of the amount of time it takes him to get to the bathroom.
So Stallone gathers weaponry, dresses in some camo-gear, and removes from his mantle one of his favorite snarls which he proceeds to dangle beneath his nose for the rest of the movie.
Time to fly to a far-off island to lean on an army of guys in red berets and sashes!
“Are we here to create mayhem, or to buy Girl Scout cookies?” asked Jason Statham.
“We’re here to take control of an island, and to do it fast – because they’re showing Fred Astaire in Swing Time in the community room at dinner at 4pm,” said Stallone.
The Expendables proves that no man is truly expendable, and that the retirement age should be raised to infinity.
It’s a movie that makes you forget that “dumb” is a four-letter word.