Devil

24
By Mark Ramsey | 2010/09/20

So I go to a movie called Devil and instead I’m forced to endure Hell.

Devil was an idea hatched by Spookmeister-In-Chief M. Night Shyamalan in one of those light bulb moments that happens when you’re bringing in your car for muffler service and realize that this waiting room would be the ideal location for a horror movie featuring Lucifer himself, were not Lucifer in the adjoining garage trying to brainstorm ways to overcharge you for installation and parts.

“It’s just an idea,” said Night to whomever listens to any of his ideas more recent than Lady in the Water. “I’m just sayin.’”

And with that heaping teaspoon of enthusiasm, Night passed the idea along to a variety of stooges and up-and-dumbers whose job was to script and film and edit and perform in this faux masterpiece of elevator horror.

Yes, elevator horror.  Virtually the whole movie is set in an elevator.  And lest you think Hitchcock did pretty much the same thing in a lifeboat, Hitch had Tallulah Bankhead to work with, meaning there was more bipolar up and down on that boat than any elevator shaft can possibly produce.

So the Devil is in an elevator, but we don’t recognize him.

There’s a concept for you.

I vote for the guy who farts or the lady trying to hide her cigarette or, most likely of all, the rugrat who considers the pressing of fifty buttons indistinguishable from play.

Yep, that’s the Devil all right.

Because everyone knew this idea sucked, not only did Night hold it at arms-length, but the budget was so low the actors were paid with Amazon gift cards, which most A-list stars consider inedible.

“I’ve spent half my career noshing on Amazon gift cards,” said Devil’s star, Chris Messina, better known as “who?”

“And I’ve spent the other half consuming your valuable time.”

Bad stuff happens when the lights go out.  Now God knows there’s nothing more enjoyable than watching a movie while the screen goes black.  And this is one of those cases where once it goes black I wish it didn’t go back.

Fortunately all the weirdly dull happenings are placed in context thanks to the most superstitious building security guy of all time:

“If the toast falls jelly-side down, ‘he’ takes human form to torment the damned.”

Is he talking about Harvey Levin from TMZ?

“One of those people in that elevator might be the Devil!” he says.

Then who’s that dating the Kardashians?!

Naturally, our detective hero is now out to fight the Devil, having abandoned traditional detective work for the same sort of crime scene analysis that produces “If you step on a crack you break your mother’s back.”

“If a black cat crosses our path,” he warns “I’ll eat it.  I’ve consumed nothing but Amazon gift cards for the past six weeks.”

This is the first film the MPAA has ever rated ‘\”Y” for “Y would you ever want to see this?”

Eventually the Devil is revealed to have black eyes and even blacker eye-liner.

“Since when do the Devil’s eyes look like he has been partying with Lindsay Lohan?” asks our hero.

“Since his Ozzy makeover,” says a passing bookkeeper who was enlisted to co-star in this movie in exchange for a Kindle.

The lesson here is to take responsibility for your mistakes.

As long as somebody else scripts and directs those mistakes, right Night?

I’d rather walk under a ladder.

24

24 Responses to “Devil”

  1. Stephanie says:

    “better known as ‘who?’”

    Awesome!! One of your best lines ever; although the entire review is one of your best. Great job!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I toil for a decade at this and finally I enjoy my best ever! Thank you Stephanie.

    And now I’m too scared to do more….:-)

    [Reply]

  2. Nic says:

    This reviewer is clearly ignorant and unintelligent when it comes to understanding and assessing a film. I think you should really find some medication to clear up your ADHD problems there, and learn to stick to the subject.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    What was the subject, again?

    [Reply]

  3. Ahmad says:

    Awesome review. It’s like u took the words right out of my mouth. Very entertaining as well hahha. “And this is one of those cases where once it goes black I wish it didn’t go back.” haha brilliant! Keep up the excellent work.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks!

    [Reply]

  4. Alex says:

    You really didn’t even review the movie. All you did was use to pretense of a review to made a series of jokes that start off funny and grow stale all too quickly.
    You frequently create imaginary dialog between a movie’s actors to poke fun at the movie. Don’t you ever get tired of recycling the same material?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well if I recycled new material it wouldn’t qualify as “recycling,” would it?

    [Reply]

  5. Brandon says:

    My mistake; I seem to have stumbled onto Perez Hilton’s site while looking for a useful movie review. I’ll know better than to expect high-school snark from this site next time.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I think the problem is that you’re looking for a “useful movie review” of Devil.

    [Reply]

    donuteyes Reply:

    checkmate…

    [Reply]

  6. steven says:

    wow. This is a review? Looks like a blog that let’s you show how clever you are. Oh wait..it is! So why are you on rottentomatoes as a reviewer? Jesus- I could turn to any high school kid on myspace for a writing this self aggrandizing. I hope moviejuice is just you – and you don’t actually get paid for this.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Wonderful comments like that are all the payment I need!

    [Reply]

    Suhaib Reply:

    Reader comments are like icing on your cake, hahahaahahah

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    And when is the cake ever tastier than the icing? :-)

  7. JoeC says:

    Are these people baggin’ on you just anti-negative movie reviews? Or are they just pro-this particular movie?

    Since you hated the movie, can you spill the spoils on who the Devil turns out to be? I’d say it’s the white girl.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Lindsay Lohan told me no white girl could be a devil.

    In this case, the devil has a ranch house in Bucks County and a “set in Philadelphia” clause in all his deals.

    [Reply]

  8. Biblioteredo says:

    What’s this rotten tomato that keeps being mentioned? I’ve been reading Mark’s reviews for years. I also haven’t seen a movie for years. Keep up the good work!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I hope I’m not the reason why you haven’t seen any movie! Although I’m happy to do your dirty work for you!

    [Reply]

  9. liked it says:

    Are you sure you even saw the movie and didnt just write a review from watching the trailiers? the majority of the movie happened in the elevator, yes…. but maybe like 60% of it? Yes, your review was entertaining, but i think when you’re writing a review for entertainment value more than to give your unbiased view on the movie in question, you’re no better than the hack producer behind this movie you just bashed.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Even if I round 100% down to 60%, it still doesn’t round “crap” up to “decent.”

    [Reply]

  10. Alan Delman says:

    Mark,
    Three comments; 1) advice to your readers, even if you have no intention of seeing a particular movie, do read the Moviejuice review for the original humor and cutting(edge) way of enjoying the feeblest of cinematic offerings 2) comments like ” when the screen goes black, I wish it didn’t go back” with it’s multiple play on words ( getting screwed either way), are practically pure poetry! and 3) the readers comments and your responses are a hoot!
    As always, keep up the the good work bustin down the pretenses!
    Alan

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Alan, you are far too clever! Like someone who has deduced that Bruce Wayne and Batman are never in the same place at the same time!

    Thanks for the kind note!

    [Reply]

  11. Leon says:

    “Something something, you don’t review the movies, you just make jokes something something something.”

    From the same people who brought you “there’s not enough country twang on this Moby album!”

    When the guy who just released “Airbender” says, “I’ve got to distance myself from this turd!” you know you should probably save your money.

    Anyway….Oooooohhhhh….Spooky elevator!

    [Reply]

Leave a Reply

Enter your own funny caption

caption this

“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”