Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

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By Mark Ramsey | 2010/09/27

We got Eli Wallach, Sylvia Miles, Susan Sarandon, Frank Langella, and Michael Douglas.  It’s as if Oliver Stone is directing an adaptation of the year 1970.

Pinch me when they remake Footloose with Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw.

And then there’s Shia LeBeouf who has traded in Megan Fox for Carey Mulligan – a transaction so remarkably suspect the SEC should launch an investigation immediately.  It’s that kind of irrational exuberance that makes me want to short-sell Shia!

“Who’s Carey Mulligan?,” asked Shia. “I thought that was Justin Bieber.”

“No, he only looks like Justin Bieber,” explained director Oliver Stone.  “We needed somebody with more chest hair so we went with Carey Mulligan.”

Transformers alum Shia is the protege of Decepticon Megatron Douglas – who is looking rather Megatranny these days.

It has been more than a generation since the first Wall Street movie, and the fact that you can turn a twenty-three year old movie into a franchise is proof that greed is indeed still good.

“This is Hollywood!  Twenty-three is the perfect age for both wives and girlfriends, although preferably never in that order,” said Stone, wistfully,

Yeah, I know we’re in the wake of the big financial crisis.  Sure, it’s a great time for art to imitate life.  But does it have to imitate life with so many life-like CNBC and CNN financial “reporters” on deck?

As Megatron Douglas tells CNBC’s Maria Bartiromo, “Your show is very popular in the can.”

“Everything is popular in my can,” replies Bartiromo.

Hey Maria, why did you slaughter your integrity on the altar of cinema celebrity?

“If I didn’t play myself they would have hired Justin Bieber,” said Bartiromo.  “And unlike Bieber my testicles have dropped.”

Every five minutes your senses are assaulted by an intrusive song from former Talking Heads frontman David Byrne, whose relevance is closer to Molly Ringwald’s than Shia LeBeouf’s.  If David Byrne is on every corner of Wall Street it had better be because he’s selling genuine Gucci purses and Rolex watches!

In this Wall Street, money never sleeps and Eli Wallach never stays awake.

“Oliver said I could nap until he shouts ‘action,’ and I said ‘sonny, the only action I see nowadays is BINGO with George Kennedy in Woodland Hills.”

“Eli, line!  You didn’t hear me call ‘action’?” asked Stone.

“All I could hear was that damned David Byrne singing in my head,” explained Wallach.  “William Schallert from the Patty Duke Show and I are going to go over there and kick his ass.”

“Plus, David Byrne sold me this watch, and it’s crap!”

Will Megatron Douglas reunite with his daughter?  Will Shia’s romance survive his run-in with the Decepticons?  Will this family embrace in a group hug reminiscent of a 1987 episode of Family Ties?

This movie could only be better if it provided a primer on fusion technology.

Check!

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8 Responses to “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps”

  1. Kj says:

    Genius!

    [Reply]

  2. Observo Man says:

    ” Megatron Douglas – who is looking rather Megatranny these days.”

    Hmm…so a 60+ year old actor looks old. Thank you. Nothing but Enlightenment.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If you don’t think Michael Douglas’s transformation into an old woman is worthy of note, I feel as sorry for you as I do for Mrs. Michael Douglas (who is beginning to look Megatranny herself, I might add).

    [Reply]

  3. Mark says:

    Maria Bartaroma did not have any integrity prior to the movie; nothing has changed.

    Megan Fox, Shia LaBeouf (or whatever his name is) are both no talent hacks. How these two find work, is beyond me.

    Also, the “writer” of this piece complains (like all of the sheeple) that greed is some evil thing; I wonder if he works for free? I doubt it. There is nothing wrong with making money. It’s the people who don’t that are the creepy ones.

    [Reply]

    TommyB Reply:

    Oh my dear brother Mark, aren’t thou familiar with the holy bible?
    Not only is greed “some evil thing”, but it’s in fact a cardinal sin (look up, what that means).

    I’m sorry for your poor, doomed soul. I’ll include you in my prayers, but I think all my spiritual efforts will be wasted on you.

    But then, after going straight to hell, you’ll be able to hook up with Maria Bartiromo (spelled correct).
    Btw, I don’t know anything about Maria’s “integrity”. When I look at her puffy lips, my brain turns off audio reception.

    Smoochie, baby!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    At least she’s putting your brain through its paces. :-)

    [Reply]

    TommyB Reply:

    As it is always the case with men, the brain isn’t the main organ at work here…

  4. Leon says:

    Since neither Shia or M. Night have made a good movie in a decade, I think they should team up. It could be called “Oh No!” and feature three straight hours of unbroken footage of Shia stammering and twitching like a community-theatre David Schwimmer. And then there’s a werewolf or something.

    [Reply]

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