So a Southern California family brings home a new baby – and a new HD video camera, which they seem to love a lot more than the baby.
“This camera has your eyes,” said the illegal nanny, as she placed it in a high chair and tried to feed it cheerios.
The nanny knows this house is haunted by evil spirits, but mommy is busy with the baby and daddy is in a cardigan and thus deserves some respect. Little sister, meanwhile, is more interested in painting her toes and exploring the juniors department at Nordstrom when she’s not Googling “demon” on camera.
“We have a demon in this house,” says the nanny.
“Of course we do, he’s a toddler and his name is Hunter,” said the mom. “We named him after an obscure Johnny Depp role and a shade of green.”
Surprise! The house is trashed and so the Cleavers must install a home-wide video system. “We could just put a lock on the door, but a home-wide video system will propel the narrative of this movie while a lock will simply work,” said cardigan dad. “Who wants to wire up Hunter for the lav mic?”
“I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. Dumb-mille,” said Hunter as a production assistant snuffed his cigar in an ashtray.
“Does this mean we can justify housing Julie Chen in the studio next door?” asked mom. “She’s married to the head of the network, you know, but I’m sure that’s strictly a coincidence.”
Night 1, nothing happens. Night 2, nothing happens. Nights 3 through painful 15, nothing happens. Pool area – nothing happens. Kitchen – nothing happens. Foyer – nothing happens. S&M dungeon – nothing happens. Room containing forgotten sibling chained behind false wall and featured recently on a bombshell episode of Nancy Grace – nothing happens. Room dedicated to collectible Star Wars action figures – nothing happens (in fact, the demon wants to steer clear of this room at all costs).
Fortunately there’s a timer in the corner of the screen so at least something is moving, if not the action. Any chance that timer could also get a news ticker and maybe some TV Guide listings?
The link to the original Paranormal Activity is firmly established when we discover that mom’s sister is the star of the previous flick and she is cursed not only with demons throughout her family but videographers, too.
Then on night 16 the pool cleaner crawls out of the pool, and frankly who could blame it?
Night 17 – the toys are moving around the house! “They have a mind of their own, which is more than I can say for the rest of us,” said dad.
Suddenly, all the lights go out!
“I know, I’ll use the night vision on this HD video cam in order to see in the dark,” says dad, “even if it actually sees in the blue.”
Added dad: “Perhaps one day somebody will invent a portable battery-powered device with a light on it. Maybe they could even call it a ‘flash-light.’”
“I would call it a ‘beam-ray,’” said the daughter.
“No, it would be a ‘handi-view,’” said the mom.
“No matter, such things are the stuff of whimsy and fancy,” said dad as he bumped into one piece of furniture after another.
If you think there’s nothing weird about grabbing a video camera when your life and your family’s life is in danger – if you think every fart needs to be captured on HD (and ideally held without bail), you’ll love Paranormal Activity 2.
As for the rest of us, there’s more action at the local preschool. And more demons, too.
I liked the first movie but its uniqueness was its whole appeal. And the funny thing about “unique” is that it doesn’t come in chapters.