Two fewer hours, two fewer parachutes and maybe two six-packs and The Green Hornet would have been an infinitely better, if fuzzier, experience.
Now I like Seth Rogen as much as anybody, but I didn’t expect Bluto from Animal House to fight crime and I don’t look to Seth Rogan for it, either. Less laying waste, more laying wasted, Seth.
So Oscar winner Christoph Waltz goes from dodging red carpet autograph hounds to dodging Seth Rogen’s quips.
“I don’t want to claim the Oscar is unlucky,” said Waltz, “because it did get me a role where I wave a double-barreled pistol. Did Colin Firth ever wave a double-barreled pistol? Colin Firth couldn’t wave two balls, let alone two barrels. And if he did wave two balls they would be dangling over Academy voters like a testicular mobile – a testicular mobile with a speech impediment and rakish charm.”
Nobody in town can find the mysterious and evasive Green Hornet, because who would notice the car with green headlights? In my town, nobody notices the car with no headlights. Green would be a favor.
And then there’s Kato, who speaks English like it’s his second language, assuming second comes in several days after first. Evidently, none of the martial arts Kato has mastered includes martialing the art of English.
“We’ll pose as villains, but act like heroes,” Seth tells Kato. “No comic heroes ever do that – except for Spider-Man and Batman, but those are relatively minor characters in the pantheon of tights compared to The Green Hornet, a guy who needs somebody to do both the fighting and the driving for him.”
“That’s right,” said Kato. “A hero that needs his own driver. Maybe after I clean up the city I can clean up your arse, Hornet.”
And so the Bro-mance begins.
And that’s when Cameron Diaz enters the scene to apply for a temp job with Seth.
“I am calling about your position for the world’s oldest temp,” said Cameron. “I can earn a living and a listing in the Guinness Book of World Records, all at once.”
“Given that you’re midway between ingenue and ingen-old, you’re hired!” says Seth.
“I get confused between Cameron Diaz and Carson Daly,” said Kato. “Maybe it’s because they have both had spooge in their hair.”
It could only get worse if Seth were to end up running a newspaper in a digital age.
This is a job for Edward James Olmos, who I’m pretty sure died several years ago, and I wish somebody would tell him.
“Olmos is great,” said Seth. “Although I wish he’d stop referring to me as ‘Selena.’”
3D, 4D. You can throw double-D’s at The Green Hornet, and you’ll still end up with C-minus.