The Adjustment Bureau

7
By Mark Ramsey | 2011/03/05

“Help, I’m being followed by super-human salesmen in cardigans and hats!” shouted Matt Damon, as Fred MacMurray and Edward G. Robinson closed in on him from behind.

Matt is running for New York Senator when he meets the woman of his dreams in the hotel mens room.  The fact that the her name is “Lance” is beside the point.

“The last time I met a woman in the mens room the urinal turned out to be a fountain, the mens room turned out to be Central Park, and the woman turned out to be a statue,” said a wistful Matt.

Enter the Adjustment Bureau:

“We are the people who make sure things happen according to plan,” said MacMurray.

“Like the host on The Bachelor?” asked Matt.

“Yes,” he snarled.  “Like the host on The Bachelor. Don’t you want to know if an Oscar is in your plan, Matt?”

“I already won one,” said Matt.

The Adjustment Bureau breaks into uproarious laughter.  “That was for writing, fool!”

The Adjustment Bureau has special super-powers.  “Like angels we live much longer than humans,” said MacMurray.  “But not nearly as long as an episode of Seinfeld.”

Fate separates Matt and the woman of his dreams.  Fortunately New York’s a small town, so he runs into her at random three times in less than two hours.

Wait!  That’s not supposed to happen!  Four alarm fire!

“Her decision-tree is diverging from the models!” said MacMurray.

“We’re already seeing inflection points, ya dirty screw!” said Robinson.

“I don’t know what either of us is talking about, but it would sure make a swell yarn in Reader’s Digest in 1953,” said MacMurray.

“Or a great Lifetime movie – but with cardigans and hats, see?” said Robinson.

“Yes, this is the kind of movie Julia Roberts would do – if she were still Julia Roberts,” joshed MacMurray.

This job is too hard, so Robinson and MacMurray “kick it upstairs” to the enforcer – the much feared “hammer.”  Yes, I’m talking about Terence Stamp, the very sight of whom strikes fear into your heart – assuming you’re heart is very old and beats very slowly or possibly not at all.

“Why do they call you ‘the hammer,’” asked Matt.

“‘The old velcro’ was already taken,” said Stamp.

All Matt wants is the love of his life!  He wants free will!

“You don’t have free will, you only have the appearance of free will, just as your ballet dancer girlfriend doesn’t eat food, she only eats the appearance of food” said Stamp, catching his breath.  “‘The hammer’ needs a napper.”

So Matt is on the run, racing around New York opening door after door, each leading through a hyperspace wormhole to a different spot in New York.

“Which one of these doors goes to an orchestra seat for Spider-Man on Broadway?” asked Matt.

“The one with the picture of a puppet on crutches.”

Will Matt realize true love?  Will Terence Stamp nod off before he has a chance to loop his dialogue?  Will the Adjustment Bureau use their super-human powers to download a post-Rat Pack fashion sense?

Just wait for the sequel.

But don’t hold your breath.

7

7 Responses to “The Adjustment Bureau”

  1. IdRatherBeFishing says:

    Firsties!

    “The hammer needs a napper,” LOL.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Ya never know what might work! Thanks!

    [Reply]

  2. OffTopic says:

    mark:
    Perspicacious as always. But nowhere in this review or, near as I can tell, any other do you explain how to restore the iPhone-optimized view of the site once a person has accidentally left it and landed in the plain-Web view. I thought you mentioned a link at the bottom of the site, but I can’t find it.

    So you’ve achieved one goal (I’ll wait until Adjustment Bureau hits cable), I need you to do one more thing for me: reveal the secret for restoring the iPhone view. Thanks!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Offtopic is right!

    I’ll tweet support and ask….

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Here’s what they told me:

    We add a switch link in the footer of the desktop theme, but only on mobile devices.

    Try @bravenewcode if you still have trouble!

    [Reply]

  3. Jake says:

    On the old site you used to have photos with caption. Why did that get discontinued? Somebody sue you for defamation? (That’s a funny question!)

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Just trying something new, Jake! Thanks for remembering!

    Those lawsuits keep pouring in!

    [Reply]

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