Battle Los Angeles

By Mark Ramsey | 2011/03/14

“The first victim of the war between LA and aliens is punctuation,” said Battle Los Angeles director Jonathan Liebesman.

He’s the guy who gave us The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, which reportedly led punctuation to tell its agent that it didn’t want to work with Liebesman ever again.

The great thing about Battle Los Angeles is that rather than see every war cliché in different movies, here’s a chance to see them all in the same one! Don’t make me work for my clichés – that would be so cliché!

War-bots from Mars are attacking the California coast!  This is what happens when the speed of light finally allows old episodes of Baywatch to reach a distant star!

If ever there was a time for Toronto to stand in for LA, this would be it. Instead Louisiana has that honor.  “It’s amazing how convincingly Baton Rouge can be dressed to look like LA,” said star Aaron Eckhart, as he munched on fried catfish at the po’ boy shop at Hollywood and Vine.

But enough about lunch!  There’s an invasion to repel!

“Don’t fire until you see the whites of Anderson Cooper’s hair!” said the Commander.  “Kill anything that is not human!” he added.  “Especially if it works for TMZ!”

What would a sci-fi war movie be without America’s leading testosterone-filled sweetheart, Michelle Rodriguez?  Yes, if your dream-girl is a contestant on Wrestlemania, Michelle Rodriguez is the babe for you.  “I’m the big screen’s answer to Nia Peeples,” said Rodriguez, slurping her Gumbo, as reporters rapidly searched IMDB.

Why are the aliens attacking us?  They want our water!  “But not from the same bottles,” they caution.  “This movie is aimed at eight-year-old boys, and we fear your cooties!”

Alien attacks are wreaking havoc on Santa Monica.  “I’ve never seen this many Lululemon customers burned to death,” said Rodriquez.  “Not unless they’re trying to make a return after 15 days.”

Anywhere else, refugees would be begging for food and shelter, but here in Santa Monica the question was whether or not you can return a charred Fendi bag to Nordstrom.

They’re laying waste to LA, these aliens!  This is just how far fans of Two and a Half Men will go.

“The military will have to bomb Santa Monica,” warned Rodriguez.

“That’s where Warner Bros is, so they’re no stranger to bombs,” said Eckhart.

Ultimately the aliens are overcome when Michelle Rodriquez undresses to a belly-tee and arm-wrestles the attackers into submission.

Eckhart would help, but he’s busy finishing up his autobiography:  “How to go from Ladies’ Man to Grizzled Character Actor in Six Easy Steps.”

Step six:  Meet punctuation at the airport.  Remind it that “we’ll always have Paris” as it escapes from Casablanca.


6 Responses to “Battle Los Angeles”

  1. Suhaib says:

    This is hilarious. I will watch the movie eventually as these days I have succumbed to mind numbing entertainment of the West.

    Mark, could you please write reviews of olden movies? i.e. Star Wars (1977, 1980, 1983)… futuristic movies with 70′s hairstyle and fashion sense. There are many more which deserve a dissection by you ;-)


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Wow, that’s actually a good idea! I will actually consider that!

    Hmmmm. Thanks for that.


  2. TommyB says:

    ‘War-bots from Mars are attacking the California coast! This is what happens when the speed of light finally allows old episodes of Baywatch to reach a distant star!’

    No, no, on the contrary! Baywatch kept the peace in the universe.
    How could something so pure and wonderful like slomo running babes in bikinis lead to war? Never!
    But the cancellation of Baywatch and the start of ‘Baywatch Nights’
    got them pissed!

    And after they saw the video clip of Hasselhoff’s song ‘Lookin for freedom’ they said to each other ‘Ok, let’s wack’em!’
    Just watch that song on youtube and you will feel deep empathy with those aliens.

    Funny rant, looking forward to your next!


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Now “Baywatch Nights” – that’s a deep cultural reference – like “Archie Bunker’s Place” or something.

    Thanks Tom! And thanks for keeping the pressure up!


  3. mlondon says:

    The military will have to bomb Santa Monica,” warned Rodriguez.

    “That’s where Warner Bros is, so they’re no stranger to bombs” ROLLING! Too bloody much!!!!!!!!!!!! Can’t wait for the next one! Toodles x


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Ha! I’d better get crackin’! Thanks for the note!


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