By Mark Ramsey | 2011/05/06

I don’t know which I believe less:

The idea that a Golden-haired Norwegian God lives on a distant planet in ancient battle gear with his sword and his horse, galloping along a space bridge that can zap him to any corner of the universe as long as the bouncer in gold lamé grants him access…

Or the idea that Natalie Portman is an Astrophysicist.

“Look out, there’s a singularity of plate tectonics and a white dwarf somewhere in that wormhole!” she said.  “Or at least that’s what I read in the latest issue of Vogue.”

Indeed, it is Natalie’s wormhole which attracts the Mighty Thor.  Let the Big Bang ensue!

Thor has a secret power – in addition to his irresistibly chiseled features.  And that’s his hammer which has both immense power and immense size.  “One look at my big hammer and the bouncer in gold lamé grants me not only access to the space bridge, but access to his beach house on Fire Island,” says Thor.

“The power of my intense cuteness compels you!” says Thor to Natalie as if to cast out the last vestige of Oscar cred and any chance of extended ballet sequences from her soul.

“Why do they call you Thor?” asks Natalie.

“It might be possible to arrive at a more Gay name but I’d like to see someone do it, particularly while singing the chorus of “It’s Raining Men in three part harmony.”

So up into the sky flies Thor as he shouts his super-powered slogan: “For a man with a hammer, any starlet will be nailed!”

But first, in a flair of Arthurian creative swiping, Thor must pull his hammer out of a rock: “I already did this to Dwayne Johnson on the set of Tooth Fairy,” says Thor.

Uh oh, the Frost Giants have been unleashed.  I knew there was a planet of Frost Giants, but I always assumed the neighboring planet of Heat Misers would keep them in check.

Oh, Great Odin’s Beard!  Fortunately, Thor’s world is led by Anthony Hopkins in battle gear, astride a great steed and boasting an even greater belly.

“Show me the Frost Giants!” he shouts.  “All I see now are the Bursitis Giants and the Swollen Prostate Giants!  It doesn’t help that one of my eyes is covered by a patch that changes color to match my battle fashions.”

“If these Frost Giants want a fight,” adds Hopkins, “then not only shall we fight but we shall do it while wearing the most elaborate and awkward headgear known to the universe!”

“Look out behind you, Thor!”

“Look at this thing on my head!” says Thor.  “It will take me forever to turn it!  When I do it will sweep away half the cast and crew, and Teamster rules expressly forbid being swept away by elaborate head gear on set.”

“At least sweep away the script supervisor, Thor, because what do we need her for?”

Cut to the confrontation between the Frost Giants and Anthony Hopkins, who coincidentally was once leader of the Frosted Guinness Stout Mug Giants.

“Why is there an IKEA logo on your helmet wings, Nordic one?” asks the leader of the Frost Giants.

“To promote the new even lower prices on fine Scandanavian furniture and what not,” says Hopkins.

“Knave! only by IKEA paying you to take merchandise off the floor can those prices be any lower.”

“Perhaps so!” shouted a now angry and fully compensated Hopkins.  “But furniture named without vowels is not for all tastes.  You used to have to build it yourself – now you simply fold and tape it into place.”

You know the tank is running dry at Marvel when we dip down to Thor. Indeed, Thor is one of the lesser gems in Marvel’s crown jewels.

“Eventually we’re going to get down to the really minor heroes,” says Marvel icon Stan Lee, “like Inappropriate Man who fights evil by clipping his toenails in evil’s presence – or Thirteen Items Man who defeats crime as long as he can do it in the twelve items or less line.”

Thor is directed by Shakespearean actor extraordinaire Kenneth Branaugh. “If the guy from Swingers can make Iron Man,” said Branaugh, “then the auteur of Hamlet can make Thor.”

All in all, Thor is a surprisingly refreshing Spring diversion.  Pass the popcorn and the hammer.


6 Responses to “Thor”

  1. IdRatherBeFishing says:

    LOL’ed at most of this but:

    Inappropriate Man/Thirteen Items Man…

    Now I have to wipe juice off my screen.

    …Hmm, I wonder if those two would be out of place amongst the likes of Captain Hair or the Jitterbug Kid… :p

  2. howardv says:

    “Indeed, it is Natalie’s wormhole which attracts the Mighty Thor. Let the Big Bang ensue!”

    Love your work.

    Did you hear about the time Thor visited Earth to find pleasure with the vestal virgins?

    Thor decides to let the lucky lady know how she has been honored and says to her “I’m Thor”.

    She replies, “Tho am I, but it wath fun, wathn’t it.

  3. Rob says:

    I always love reading your reviews, but this one stands out as a real gem! Hee-larious.

  4. Mark Ramsey says:

    What kind of hate mail is that, Rob?

    I mean, hey thanks! :-)

  5. Mark Ramsey says:

    Cue rimshot!

    Thanks Howard.

  6. Mark Ramsey says:


    Actually I think both Inappropriate Man and Thirteen Items Man have commercial potential. Stan Lee, are you reading this?

    And the Jitterbug Kid is absolutely Inappropriate Man’s sidekick.


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