Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

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By Mark Ramsey | 2011/05/31

This time we search for the Fountain of Youth!

But that’s only because the the Temple of Doom, the Knights Templar treasure, the Lost Ark, and the Island of Misfit Toys have already been used as franchise benchmarks and we’re fast running out of them.  No wonder that the next episode of Pirates will be called: Pirates of the Caribbean: Race to Santa’s Workshop.

“Find that Jolly Old Elf and his accursed waist-high serfs, ye will,” snarled Geoffrey Rush, who has effectively managed to sprinkle his resume with just enough blockbusters to avoid having to build a shelf for his Oscar in the cardboard box he would otherwise call home.  And in this blockbuster, the only thing more wooden than Geoffrey’s leg is Keith Richards.

“Arr, from the waters of the Fountain of Youth ye will return to the visage of Don Juan DeMarco, savvy?” slurred Johnny Depp, fresh from a movie with Angelina Jolie that even Angie’s kids would refuse to see if a fleet of nannies hadn’t first bribed them with candy cigarettes.

Johnny’s back in this, the movie after the one that was billed as the last one and just before the next one to be known as the last one.  Is it sad for Johnny to make the last Pirates movie?  Ask him in 2057.

“My big innovation was to slur my words, walk like a girl and wear eye shadow,” said Johnny.  “It’s 100% Lindsay Lohan, except for the ‘walk like a girl’ part.”

Depp continues to sport the kind of headband not often seen this side of a Poison tribute band.

Who are all these new characters?  Much of the cast has turned over in this movie – and no, I don’t mean only in their graves.

We have Penelope Cruz as Depp’s love interest and foil.  She is the daughter of Ian McShane which not only means she must have her mother’s looks but also her mother’s Spanish accent.

“Aye,” said one scurvy swab, “Did ye notice that Penelope is dressed like she be commanding the S.S. El Torito?”

Penelope makes her entrance by masquerading as Johnny Depp himself, which I wish she had done during Johnny’s love scene with Angelina Jolie.

In this chapter of the Pirates saga, we’re introduced to mermaids.  And for all you kids keeping score out there…Yes, mermaids evidently have no nipples.  But then again Penelope Cruz lacks flippers.  And Johnny Depp, of course, has nipples equipped with flippers.  That’s what it means to be a star, folks.

Who will find the Fountain of Youth first, the pirate with the Spanish accent or the Spanish with American ones?

It be a mixed up world, it be!

“Arr, what can ye say about a franchise that teaches a generation of children to conjugate ‘we are’ as ‘we be’?” asked Geoffrey Rush, who has been peg-legged so many times he actually speaks in real life like a pirate:

“Arr, is this The Palm restaurant?  Me crew would like ye scurvy table for 8:00 and be we at a quiet booth away from the mess hall as ye crow flies, matey.”

“Aye, sir,” said the hostess at The Palm who had seen and heard and snorted and slept with everything and was only glad that she wasn’t referred to as “sugar-britches.”

“And this doubloon is for ye, sugar-britches.”

Sigh.

Blackbeard’s vessel shoots flame from its bow.  Understandably, union safety rules requite it to steer clear of Keith Richards’ breath.

Now that Johnny Depp has ventured along pretty much every pirate adventure worth seeing and then some, it’s time for the next chapter of the Pirates saga to cover some truly fresh ground:

Pirates of the Caribbean: Kardashians Ahoy.

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34 Responses to “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides”

  1. Emy says:

    What a sad, sad attempt at being clever… You’re not half as funny as you think you are, unfortunately. When writing a review, one should not go on “Look how funny I am”tangents. One should stick to talking about the bloody movie.

    Grow up, and learn to write.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    A quarter as funny as I think I am is more than enough for me.

    [Reply]

    Emy Reply:

    Then I’m sure you’re still disappointed, but at least with hard work and a pinch of fairy dust, you can get there.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Reality Bulletin: You’re fighting for Pirates of the Caribbean. You’ll really get upset when I review Balto 4.

    JoeCiscoRouterSuperfly Reply:

    It is true man, this review was not even a third as clever as you probably thought it was when you wrote it.

    I have no idea what you were talking about most of the time. This can hardly be called an honest review of a film.

    Maybe you should find another line of work, slick.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’m going to try your line of work. Where are the Craigslist openings for “sitting on my ass”?

    [Reply]

  2. Emy says:

    Am I really fighting for a movie? Or did I just tell you that you weren’t funny? Hmmmm tough one :

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Isn’t your mom calling you for dinner yet?

    [Reply]

    JoeCiscoRouterSuperfly Reply:

    Haha you are stretching, resorting now to bashing the people who read your reviews because you got called on being a tool.

    We get it – you are a jaded critic who knows everything about films and cast. But guess what? We the public are as tired of listening to jaded critics who hate everything as we are tired of watching the same old tired Hollywood plots.

    When everyone turns on you for being totally stupid and you cannot redeem yourself with any amount of insults, it is probably time to throw in the towel, slick.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    It sounds like you’re quite tired. Maybe you should put down the Internet and take a nap.

    That Guy Reply:

    You know, the sad thing is, these “critics” like Emy and JoeCiscoWhatever are essentially becoming part of the review. This is part of the reason I enjoy reading the comments– the comedy doesn’t end with the review. BTW, Joe… don’t include me with your “We the public” nonsense… pretending to speak for everybody is basic Troll 101.

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Hey don’t tell everybody my secret!

    And I’m speaking for everybody when I say that. :-)

  3. Emy says:

    I am so disappointed! Even the humor in your comebacks are… well, humorless. Must suck dreadfully not being able to hold your own against an eighteen year old girl without illogical and groundless insults. Poor you.

    “You’re fighting for Pirates of the Caribbean….”

    Not so. I hated the movie, I just think your humor is abysmal and thought I’d say so.

    “Isn’t your mom calling you for dinner yet?”

    In my neck of the woods, it’s 3:31pm. Maybe YOUR mother brings you your diagonally sliced PB&J sandwiches at this time, but at my house, my boyfriend and I go out for dinner at around 7.

    Like I said, grow the hell up, learn to write. Or at least learn how to argue effectively? Thanks so much :)

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Waaaaah!

    Your dining schedule is boring my readers.

    I was under the impression 18 year old girls were much more fascinating than that. I’ll have to stop watching the CW.

    [Reply]

  4. Charles says:

    Well, since Emy doesn’t like your review, let me tell you that it is funny enough. Looking forward to your Balto 4 review :D

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    At least all Google references to Balto 4 are likely to land on this page!

    [Reply]

  5. TommyB says:

    Well, one thing’s for sure:
    In that movie, Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz could have switched outfits and makup and it wouldn’t have made any difference.
    Ok, maybe Depp would have looked more manly and Cruz more womanly…

    [Reply]

    TommyB Reply:

    …of course I meant masculine and feminin. Hmpf…

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, Cruz can’t possibly look more womanly, even after allegedly being soiled by Tom Cruise.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Are you saying Goth Pirates are not manly?

    Winona Ryder once told me that if Johnny Depp carried his testicles in a jar, at least they’d fit.

    [Reply]

    TommyB Reply:

    Well, Goths can be manly and Pirates should be manly, kinda like Geena Davis in Cutthroat Island, but Goth Pirates…i can’t see it.
    Adam Ant tried it, too and we all know how that turned out…

    Maybe Johnny Depps testicles would look great in a jar, but the way he’s doing his pirate walk, it looks more like he’s wearing a jar over his testicles and it doesn’t fit.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Ouch!

  6. Jason B. says:

    I thought your review was funny. Emy reminds me of one of those 8th grade girls who complains about everyone being so immature. Hopefully the rest of the world will be as awesome as she is some day. Emy, please let me know if there are any grammar or spelling errors in my opinion.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Hey, that’s MY job!

    [Reply]

  7. Bigmutt says:

    Really enjoyed your review.
    More than the movie, in fact.
    Cruz just didn’t do it for me, and while I’d likely enjoy Depp in just about anything short of a tampon commercial, he mostly phoned in his performance in this Pirates sequel.
    Also I think I miss Knightly and Bloom, although even they could not have saved this convoluted script.

    Keep up the great work, Mark.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Does that mean my review will also do $800 million, thanks largely to global audiences who aren’t yet fed up with this concept?

    [Reply]

  8. Dan O. says:

    This one didn’t feel as epic as the second and third Pirates films and in many ways that’s a good thing. I also wish they did more with Captain Jack, but Depp is always amusing as him, and I still had some fun with this enjoyable Summer blockbuster. Good Review!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks Dan!

    [Reply]

  9. Gregg says:

    Your reviews really… really suck. It really does seem like each time you sit down in front of your computer to write one, it immediately turns into your own public jerk-off session.

    Plus, whenever someone says anything about it to you, you immediately attack them. And the better someone is at denigrating you, the worse you are at getting back at them with your pithy insults. Like a whiny, petulant little boy who can’t take criticism.

    I’ll go with what Emy said. A sad, sad excuse at cleverness.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thank you, Gregg!

    And thanks for reading so much of my site, no matter how dissatisfied each review obviously made you.

    I will make sure to keep on writing more reviews so as to enable you to be ever more disgruntled as you obsessively read every single one!

    [Reply]

  10. hhyuanyuan says:

    I want to watch it

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Then watch it already, what are you coming to me for?

    [Reply]

  11. Liz S. says:

    I tried to find some humor in this review, but there is none. Epic fail.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    At least you tried!

    [Reply]

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