But that’s only because the the Temple of Doom, the Knights Templar treasure, the Lost Ark, and the Island of Misfit Toys have already been used as franchise benchmarks and we’re fast running out of them. No wonder that the next episode of Pirates will be called: Pirates of the Caribbean: Race to Santa’s Workshop.
“Find that Jolly Old Elf and his accursed waist-high serfs, ye will,” snarled Geoffrey Rush, who has effectively managed to sprinkle his resume with just enough blockbusters to avoid having to build a shelf for his Oscar in the cardboard box he would otherwise call home. And in this blockbuster, the only thing more wooden than Geoffrey’s leg is Keith Richards.
“Arr, from the waters of the Fountain of Youth ye will return to the visage of Don Juan DeMarco, savvy?” slurred Johnny Depp, fresh from a movie with Angelina Jolie that even Angie’s kids would refuse to see if a fleet of nannies hadn’t first bribed them with candy cigarettes.
Johnny’s back in this, the movie after the one that was billed as the last one and just before the next one to be known as the last one. Is it sad for Johnny to make the last Pirates movie? Ask him in 2057.
“My big innovation was to slur my words, walk like a girl and wear eye shadow,” said Johnny. “It’s 100% Lindsay Lohan, except for the ‘walk like a girl’ part.”
Depp continues to sport the kind of headband not often seen this side of a Poison tribute band.
Who are all these new characters? Much of the cast has turned over in this movie – and no, I don’t mean only in their graves.
We have Penelope Cruz as Depp’s love interest and foil. She is the daughter of Ian McShane which not only means she must have her mother’s looks but also her mother’s Spanish accent.
“Aye,” said one scurvy swab, “Did ye notice that Penelope is dressed like she be commanding the S.S. El Torito?”
Penelope makes her entrance by masquerading as Johnny Depp himself, which I wish she had done during Johnny’s love scene with Angelina Jolie.
In this chapter of the Pirates saga, we’re introduced to mermaids. And for all you kids keeping score out there…Yes, mermaids evidently have no nipples. But then again Penelope Cruz lacks flippers. And Johnny Depp, of course, has nipples equipped with flippers. That’s what it means to be a star, folks.
Who will find the Fountain of Youth first, the pirate with the Spanish accent or the Spanish with American ones?
It be a mixed up world, it be!
“Arr, what can ye say about a franchise that teaches a generation of children to conjugate ‘we are’ as ‘we be’?” asked Geoffrey Rush, who has been peg-legged so many times he actually speaks in real life like a pirate:
“Arr, is this The Palm restaurant? Me crew would like ye scurvy table for 8:00 and be we at a quiet booth away from the mess hall as ye crow flies, matey.”
“Aye, sir,” said the hostess at The Palm who had seen and heard and snorted and slept with everything and was only glad that she wasn’t referred to as “sugar-britches.”
“And this doubloon is for ye, sugar-britches.”
Blackbeard’s vessel shoots flame from its bow. Understandably, union safety rules requite it to steer clear of Keith Richards’ breath.
Now that Johnny Depp has ventured along pretty much every pirate adventure worth seeing and then some, it’s time for the next chapter of the Pirates saga to cover some truly fresh ground:
Pirates of the Caribbean: Kardashians Ahoy.