J. J. Abrams + Steven Spielberg = M. Night Shyamalan – Philadelphia
Breaker, breaker – It’s 1979 and a group of kids accidentally capture Super 8 footage of a the most elaborate train accident of all time.
“Did that train just hit a car or a Michael Bay retrospective?” asked one of our heroes.
“That explosion did what puberty couldn’t! It changed my voice!”
“Why is the ground littered with Rice Krispies squares?”
“Diabolical! Terrorists striking at America’s heart by taking out a train full to the brim with Rice Krispies squares! What’s next, Jihad Barbie?! Charms Blow-Up Pops?!”
“I’m glad we have all this captured on film! All we need is two weeks for processing and thirty years for YouTube!”
“Hey I was in the middle of a sweet coming-of-age story with Dakota Fanning’s little sister when something with nasty tentacles crawled from the wreckage.”
“And it’s holding a thirsty-two-ounce soda on TMZ!”
What’s this? The hottest girl in school is falling for the kid who spends all his time making toy models? If only this were true I would have had a lot less time to make toy models.
Not only that, but he gets her to agree to be in his zombie movie. Come on, everybody knows the hot girl will never do the geek’s zombie movie unless that geek has a first dollar gross studio deal.
Or at least that’s what she told me at the time.
Elle Fanning’s dad is scumbag extraordinaire Ron Eldard. “I have a classic 1979 look,” says Eldard. “It’s the intersection of John Schneider, Tom Petty, and John Quincy Adams.”
It all takes place in the town of Lillian, which is just up the road from the city of Gladys, home to the Esther Amphitheater and the Cletus Arena – soon to be renamed the 99 Cent Store Arena. It’s game time! Go Crackheads!
Cut to the small town Sheriff with big dreams and bigger sideburns.
At the heart of this mystery is a creature that is both extraterrestrial and subterranean. I’m not sure how you can be both at the same time, unless you’re Jennifer Tilly.
“How do we kill it?” asked one of our young heroes.
“Try feeding it Pop Rocks – that’s what killed Beaver during Vietnam!”
“Maybe it wants some Reese’s Pieces”
“Mr. Spielberg says that will have to wait until 1982 and an altogether different extraterrestrial”
Will this monster destroy the town of Lillian and its vibrant community center, Shitkicker Square, home of the Hooch Hall of Fame? Or will one of our young heroes be able to talk it off the edge and out of our universe?
What do you think?
As is often the case with J. J.’s movies, he’s better at growing the mystery than in packing a punchy payoff.
Still, not a bad reason to spend some time with some popcorn and your favorite toy model, especially if she’s in the cast of any show on the CW and you’re doing it at the Cineplex Lillian, just off the Tooth-Optional Turnpike by the Crystal Meth Cookout at the Hotel Oxycontin-ental.