Green Lantern

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By Mark Ramsey | 2011/06/21

So Green Lantern crash-landed at the box office this past weekend, and who can imagine why?

A third tier hero most famous for a ring that’s charged by a lantern.  That’s really off the hook in the era of iPads, isn’t it?

“Hey, when it comes to heroes with lanterns, it’s just me and Paul Revere,” said Ryan Reynolds, drowning his sorrows in a six pack with his six pack.

“I have to carry that lantern everywhere I go,” he says.  “Although it’s not the lantern I mind so much as the kerosene which powers it.”

What prop will power Captain America, a cotton gin?

And don’t forget about Hawkman’s steam engine!

The kerosene-powered opening scene provides all the requisite back-story to those of us who have been out of touch with the Green Lantern character since we were 12 years old, and that’s pretty much all of us.

“It’s the most powerful force in existence, the green energy of willpower – a force known throughout the universe to all except Kirstie Alley,” says our narrator.

The Green Lantern Corp are a group of intergalactic peacekeepers. “We keep the Crab Nebula and the White Dwarf from tearing each other’s eyes out,” explained one of the many CGI creations in this movie that made it so resemble a cartoon I thought I was watching an unauthorized sequel to The Aristocats, and God only knows nobody would authorize such a sequel.

Ryan Reynolds is a fearless fighter pilot famous for wielding his stick in many a starlet’s cockpit.

“I’d rather be dating my abs,” said Reynolds.  “All six of them share and they never get jealous.”

Tim Robbins has evolved into “distinguished old dude” territory here as a guy who’s related to another guy who has something to do with Ryan, but more detail would require more attention than Green Lantern deserves or than I could summon.

Suddenly a sentient ball of green energy flies across the landscape to find someone without fear, but Steve-O referred it to his agent when he realized the ball could not be smoked, injected, mounted or hung from his genitals like a giant ACME anvil.  Said Steve-O’s agent Chris Smith, “the only green energy we deal with at ICM is the kind that won’t grow on trees.”

On to Ryan Reynolds.

“The ring chose you!” the Lantern galactic defender squad tells Ryan.  “Just like the Ab-Finder app on my iPhone did!”

Enter Peter Sarsgaard, the weird-looking character actor who married Maggie Gyllenhaal and proceeded to turn into an even weirder-looking character actor.  “I need a role as big as my forehead,” said Sarsgaard who, with Gyllenhaal, has cornered the market on Hollywood couples with adjacent “a’s.”

Warns Ryan, “Peter, you had better steer clear of surgical procedures because a quick glance at your grapefruit cranium on that operating table and UFOlogists will alert TMZ to another alien autopsy!”

“Green is the color of will!  Focus your will to create what you see in your mind!”

I might have created Scarlett Johansson, but Ryan has been there and done that.  Instead he creates a green Justin Bieber.  “Justin resembles a variety of my lesbian exes,” explains Ryan, “right down to the green facial hair.”

Green Lantern’s foe feeds on fear like a CGI-enhancedJudge Judy. It’s the yellow energy of fear against the green energy of will.  And so we have the face-off between Reynolds and Sarsgaard, and only one lisp-prone star will emerge victorious.

Sufferin’ succotash!  Who shall it be?

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6 Responses to “Green Lantern”

  1. Stephanie says:

    Wonderful! Love the “CGI-enhanced Judge Judy” reference. Another great review

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks Stephanie!!

    [Reply]

  2. Muneer says:

    HAHA, you’re really funny dude !

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’m struggling to figure out if you’re being satirically sly or not. Oh what the heck, I’ll take it at face value.

    Thanks!

    [Reply]

  3. david says:

    i get the distinct feeling that this review generates far more entertainment punch than does the green son of ol’ burt …

    G1 Mark Ramsey

    ps, true or no, that this is the 940th comic book movie released since 2002′s spiderman ???

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    David, when they run out the go back and reboot, usually within a couple years. The ultimate goal is to shoot every comic book movie every year and reboot anything that doesn’t hit. I wish I could say that was a joke.

    [Reply]

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