Transformers: Dark of the Moon

By Mark Ramsey | 2011/07/09

Anytime you see a movie that opens with the words “in association with Hasbro” you’re in for something special. Who wouldn’t trust a company that sells a plastic potato you plug expressions into and calls that “entertainment”?  This is, after all, the maker of Play-Doh, which is the kind of doh I wish I had paid to see Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

“We are a peaceful race of intelligent mechanical beings,” says the Transformer narrator, “much like your own TV news anchors.”

“We are the universe’s only advanced species constructed from windshield wipers and used tires,” he says.  “At any moment, we choose between saving the universe and calling our insurance company about that crack in our windshield.  What other ancient civilization can resemble a Chevy Suburban?”

Into this slummer tentpole appears the great John Malkovich, costarring with his new teeth, known as Implantusgrill Maximus. Malkovich plays a man at war with his own dental history and any syllable which includes an “s” sound.

And look, there’s Buzz Aldrin, a heretofore respected former astronaut and the only member of this cast who has traveled from a Michael Bay set to the moon without snorting powder off Bay’s desk first.

Decepticon Megan Fox was eliminated from the Transformers universe prior to this flick when she dared to blast poison-tipped insults at Directamus Prime Michael Bay.  This forced Bay to take time out from whatever overblown action sequence he was in the middle of to haul his casting couch, Spermicon Starleticus, out of the closet and just off the runway at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show where it belongs.

Presto!  A new girlfriend for Shia LeBeouf, and her agent says she charges by the hour.

“If my dress were any tighter I could escape from it while hanging upside down over Times Square,” said Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who promised to abbreviate her name to Ro$ie when she drops her first album, featuring Hasbro’s My Little Pony. Rosie is in impossibly high heels in every scene of this movie, even when the room she’s in is laying on its side which is where we would normally expect Rosie to be.

“I don’t want to say she’s lacking acting chops,” says Shia, “I’m just saying she left them in her panty drawer, because I’m God knows there’s nothing else in that drawer but crickets.”

“I am the enemy of Decepticons and body hair, and I intend to remove both with lasers!” said Rosie.

“The end of the world is upon us, but I pledge not to lose a heel,” Rosie warns.  “If I flap my Victoria’s Secret wings hard enough I can dry my toenails before they confront danger – or open-toed shoes, whichever comes first.”

It doesn’t take long for Frances McDormand to join John Turturro in the kind of movie the Coen brothers would make if only they understood how a main character could be a 1995 Pontiac Firebird and an extraterrestrial intelligent mechanical being at the same time.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon is exactly what you expect when you expect exactly what you deserve.


17 Responses to “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”

  1. David Hernandez says:

    “The end of the world is upon us, but I pledge not to lose a heel”

    I wish that was in the movie.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I wish a LOT was in the movie, frankly. :-) Thanks David.


  2. Stu says:

    “this area here is highly radioactive and cannot be inhabited by humans for many years to come…ok lets casually stroll over here and now put on our radiation suits” (scowl and shift uncomfortably in my cinema chair).

    I only watched this in support of my local cinema, not for Michael Bay.

    Great review – a witty review I didn’t expect and one this film deserves.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That’s such high praise, Stu, I suspect you may have meant to post it elsewhere. :-)

    Thanks much.


    Shak Reply:

    You can support your local cinema more by just buying more concessions when you go see movies that are actually good. Theaters get very little revinue through ticket sales alone, the money spent on tickets goes straight to Hollywood. The more tickets you buy to bad movies the more motivated Hollywood will be to keep making this awful drivel.


  3. Suhaib says:

    I was actually waiting for your review Mark and wondering why haven’t you shed light on dark side of cinema.

    At least in this episode of Transformers I could make out who is fighting who… Good robots were painted and bad robots were rusted :D see… and leader of bad robots even wore a scarf to keep cool from hot African sun.

    Sentinel Prime even had a beard like Leonard Nimoy…

    I think any human characters in this film were redundant, robots expressed and emoted way better than humans. I never liked Shia Labeouf and he shouldn’t do any more movies (similarly Toby Mcguire).

    I hate Ken Jeong.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    But at least high heels are now approved for use in cataclysmic tragedies.


  4. Akhil Shan says:

    I do like your criticism about this movies characters and dialogues but we have to agree that Micheal Bay had done a great job making this movie. I LOVE this movie and the least you can do is appreciate what he has brought to us instead of blindly hating this movie.

    3D was the best in this movie :D


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Believe me, if I were blind there would be less to hate.


  5. Tyler McQuarrie says:

    How is this a review in any way? All it is is just, as Akhil said, blindly hating on the movie. All you’re doing is just making jokes about the movie instead of doing what you’re supposed to be doing, reviewing it. I will admit, some of the jokes were funny, but really. This is Rotten Tomatoes, not Encyclopedia Dramatica.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Are you speaking Latin to me?


  6. Vaare Valentino says:

    Forget the haters. I loved the review and I haven’t even seen the movie. Not all reviews have to adhere to some strict formula. Humor is just one way to comment on something. Keep it up!


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You tell ‘em, man! Thanks!


  7. TheFicCritic says:

    Great, a review for something that tries to be funny when doing so. How great to see more people who know that making people laugh when giving their opinion of things is a healthier way to avoid coming off as a jerk…

    …Except, I didn’t find any of your jokes particularly funny. And, that’s the thing, this wasn’t a review, it was a series of jokes a comments that instead of coming off as smart came off as bile filled hate. Yes, Hating Michael Bay, hating a franchise, or hating the actors is just a matter of opinion, but your job is to give people an idea of what you thought of the film, and insulting things is not it. Insults are not a way of expressing your opinion, and your job isn’t to make unfunny jokes to try and come off as snarky.

    You know what really annoys me about people who give these films bad reviews? They don’t seem to ever actually say why its a bad film, or actually go into the details behind their problems. People say Shia Lebough is a bad actor. Ok, Why is he a bad actor? The films are stupid. Why are they stupid? What is it about the films that are so bad that people see the need to tear them down all the time without actually pointing out why they’re bashing them?

    Now, I’d just write it off as people bashing things they’re not part of the demographic for, except the films DO have things you could criticise. The acting isn’t always great (Megan Fox appears to have little emotion when talking, and RHW’s delivery of some lines was cold), some dialog comes off as mechanical (again, RHW’s line about ‘I thought their war was with the autobots’ didn’t feel like something anyone would say), the deaths of Starscream, Ironhide, and Megatron were very anti-climatic (‘Scream gets his head blown up in a way that looks like someone popped a pimple, Ironhide gets a very emotional death scene but nobody seems all that bothered, and Megatron’s final fight is incredibly quick), they really drag on at parts, they keep reusing the ‘Optimus dives in and saves the day’ thing, and the robots other than Optimus and Bumblebee do very little outside of battle to the point you could consider them minor characters at best. Those are things that are legitimate complaints, those are things you COULD be making fun of, but the fact they’re based on a Hasbro-owned property? That Megan Fox was let go in production? (which WASN’T because of what she said, it was because Speilberg felt she wasn’t a serious enough actress for the darker film) That Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is very hot and wears dress and heels in some scenes? (but ditches them before the action scenes, which you appear to have missed) That the robotic, shapeshifting aliens turn into vehicles? That they have weird, non-human names for the weird, non-human aliens?

    While yes, reviews don’t have to stick to some formula, they do have to be fair and based on the thing you’re supposed to be commenting on, not a bunch of shallow jokes that don’t actually have any real base in the context of the film.

    So, instead of focusing on trying to be funny, which you clearly struggle at, why not just do your job and try to look for reasons behind why the film isn’t very good instead of trying to nitpick small details in the hopes that you can turn it into a joke.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You want me to “look for reasons behind why the film isn’t very good” – for Transformers?!

    You’re right – that’s funnier than my rant.


    TheFicCritic Reply:

    Well, yeah, since you didn’t actually say anything about the film besides you don’t like it. The point of reviewing something is to tell people what to expect, which you most certainly did not. The most anyone would learn from your review is about as much as we could learn from a trailer for the film. You don’t say anything about the content, the story, to writing, just mindless and (in my opinion) unfunny jokes. I wouldn’t even call it a rant because you don’t even make any points.

    See, this isn’t a good review. A good review would make points about the film’s quality instead of just mocking it without giving reason. Hell, I don’t mind the films and I could think of reasons behind criticising it, but you’re supposed to be giving it a negative review and you didn’t even bring up one point on the film’s quality. The problem here is, I’ve read negative reviews for this film that I can agree with despite not sharing the same opinion, and then I read reviews like this that don’t actually explain why the films aren’t good, which is the point of reviewing something. I wouldn’t be so bothered by this if it wasn’ for the fact that you’re a professional reviewer, so you should know what makes a decent review.

    So, that’s all I have to say, thanks for making me lose faith in your ability to review a film.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Anytime I can make you lose something it’s a happy day for me.

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