“We are a peaceful race of intelligent mechanical beings,” says the Transformer narrator, “much like your own TV news anchors.”
“We are the universe’s only advanced species constructed from windshield wipers and used tires,” he says. “At any moment, we choose between saving the universe and calling our insurance company about that crack in our windshield. What other ancient civilization can resemble a Chevy Suburban?”
Into this slummer tentpole appears the great John Malkovich, costarring with his new teeth, known as Implantusgrill Maximus. Malkovich plays a man at war with his own dental history and any syllable which includes an “s” sound.
And look, there’s Buzz Aldrin, a heretofore respected former astronaut and the only member of this cast who has traveled from a Michael Bay set to the moon without snorting powder off Bay’s desk first.
Decepticon Megan Fox was eliminated from the Transformers universe prior to this flick when she dared to blast poison-tipped insults at Directamus Prime Michael Bay. This forced Bay to take time out from whatever overblown action sequence he was in the middle of to haul his casting couch, Spermicon Starleticus, out of the closet and just off the runway at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show where it belongs.
Presto! A new girlfriend for Shia LeBeouf, and her agent says she charges by the hour.
“If my dress were any tighter I could escape from it while hanging upside down over Times Square,” said Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who promised to abbreviate her name to Ro$ie when she drops her first album, featuring Hasbro’s My Little Pony. Rosie is in impossibly high heels in every scene of this movie, even when the room she’s in is laying on its side which is where we would normally expect Rosie to be.
“I don’t want to say she’s lacking acting chops,” says Shia, “I’m just saying she left them in her panty drawer, because I’m God knows there’s nothing else in that drawer but crickets.”
“I am the enemy of Decepticons and body hair, and I intend to remove both with lasers!” said Rosie.
“The end of the world is upon us, but I pledge not to lose a heel,” Rosie warns. “If I flap my Victoria’s Secret wings hard enough I can dry my toenails before they confront danger – or open-toed shoes, whichever comes first.”
It doesn’t take long for Frances McDormand to join John Turturro in the kind of movie the Coen brothers would make if only they understood how a main character could be a 1995 Pontiac Firebird and an extraterrestrial intelligent mechanical being at the same time.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon is exactly what you expect when you expect exactly what you deserve.