Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

By Mark Ramsey | 2011/07/18

“I have survived to the last movie!” shouted Maggie Smith, who has led the Harry Potter death pool ever since old Richard Harris kicked the bucket after chapter 2. And by “shouted” I mean “wailed like the ghoulish banshee she resembles.”

“I long ago dispensed with makeup artists and now rely on sculptors, leather workers, and the occasional child laborer,” Maggie snarled.

Alan Rickman returns, looking more like that old woman Wayne Newton than ever. Rickman is famed for going over the top, but in the past I have at least been able to see that top from where I was sitting. This time, Rickman’s notoriously syrupy and slow dialogue delivery contained so many pregnant pauses my water broke at the 90 minute mark.

Yes, Rickman straddles vowels like models straddle Ryan Reynolds.

And there’s the vacuous Luna who has learned next to nothing about acting since the less than nothing she knew in the last Potter film. Someone please explain Luna to me, and why she seems to be treating her Glaucoma with well more than the legal limit of medicinal marijuana.

As always in Harry Potter films, we have the obsessions with wands.

There’s the elder wand, also called the “Hef wand,” that’s the one that wears a pipe and a robe to host parties at its mansion.

“The wand chooses the wizard,” says John Hurt, whose own wand hasn’t made any choices since its scaffolding collapsed after Bea Arthur died.

“My wand has chosen Scarlett Johansson,” said the ghost of Professor Dumbledore.

“Many a wand has made that choice,” warned Professor Slughorn. “Why not choose Jennifer Lopez – she is between wands right now.”

“Egads, no. Have you forgotten she nearly broke Ben Affleck’s wand in two? A wand must think with its head, not its heart. Look at John Cusack’s wand. It has penetrated more secret locations than the Navy SEALS!”

I’ll miss the Harry Potter saga. Show me another band of heroes who can save the world in hoodies and cardigans, and I’ll show you the spell “Cardigansus Fashionatus!”

It’s time to defend Hogwarts from the encroaching evil of Valdemort and his crew. The cost is heavy – and I mean the cost of CG.

“Hoodies over here! Knickers fall back! Cardigans attack the left flank. We’re low on rocket propelled grenades and suspenders!” said Maggie Smith whooping what was either a great war cry or a death rattle.

“Bow and arrow ties, fire!”

And so the sun sets on Lord Valdemort, whose absent nose is a particular handicap considering everybody in the audience could smell where this series was headed.

“I’m so thrilled to have been in movies that people have actually seen,” said Ralph Fiennes. “Now I will return to my regular job: Hypnotizing tiny Indie film audiences to sleep.”

Fast forward several years hence where we see what has become of our young heroes, and it ain’t pretty:

Old Young Malfoy looks like the kind of Wizard who hails from Oz.

Harry Potter has given birth to sideburns matched like luggage to his eyebrows and stowed together in the same overhead rack.

Against all conceivable Hollywood logic, Ron has romanced Hermione and, worse, spawned a mini-me.

And Hermione has graduated from Hogwarts cloaks to Mom Jeans – “Elasticatus Roomitatus!”

Yes, every child’s magic-filled fantasy has become the adult’s dashed hopes, vanishing hair, Sam’s Club card, and Joan Rivers Diamondesque earrings.

Thank you, Harry, all is well in the world!

Now it’s time for a new generation at Hogwarts. It’s time for a fresh game of Quidditch.

It’s time, as the leader of a different sort of Next Generation used to say, to “see what’s out there.”



20 Responses to “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2”

  1. Scott says:

    Very clever review. So clever I had no idea what you were clevering about and stopped reading halfway down.
    I assume you may have liked it by the ripe tomato. That was my only clue.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    So in other words you’re saying you don’t have a clue?


  2. Ace Hole says:

    Can I have the last 3 minutes of my life back?


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Slow reader.


  3. Devia N says:

    Love the review, at least something stuck that somewhat resembles the movie’s plot. It does get annoying that spandexes get all the fun, cardigans and ties take the spotlight at last.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, and where are the skinheads and punkers at Hogwarts? SexPistolus Reprisus!


  4. Bran says:

    I am going to miss the Harry Potter reviews omore than the movies.

    Didn’t like the films of David Yates.. He missed the magic of Harry Potter entirely


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I can’t believe I have written seven of them. I have grown up making fun of those kids.


    Devin Reply:

    I think the term “I have grown up” is stretching the truth a bit. Maybe “spent a lot of time”.


  5. Brandon says:

    The John Hurt bit was really in bad taste.. While I am gathering that is the point this site, I just thought it was not so cool..


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re right! And you’re welcome! :-)


  6. Mayumi says:

    Throughout the duration of the film, Umbridge’s fabulous cardigans were sorely missed.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I think there should be a Best Cardigan category at the Oscars next year.

    Clooney is already lobbying for best wand.


    TommyB Reply:

    And I thought he was lobbying for busiest wand…


  7. Henry Potter says:

    well well well, i see that you are back for more mr ramsey. so am i. hopefully you remember me from your stinky review on part 1, i called you a ‘blast-ended skrewt.’ But you wouldnt even know what that is cause you’ve probably never read a single stinkin sentence from any harry potter book. I cant believe you bash on potter the way you do, I wouldnt be the person i am today if it werent for these truly awe inspiring and *magical* works of art. U hav no taste and ur not funny in the slightest, your still as gay as ever, and i can smell your rancid dumb face through my computer screen. can we meet on skype so i can see your fat dumb head in person and laugh at you while you sit there and smile, pretending that my smart insults arent getting under your skin. Anyways, i’m over you, you’re not worth my time you big stupy baby


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    This is funny enough that it requires no reply!


    Henry Potter Reply:

    haha truthfully mark, im 21 yrs old and i wrote this stupid message and the mesage on part 1 to see what clever and funny shit you would say. I gave you gold to work with, this message definitely requires a reply


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’d rather have the gold.

  8. Henry Potter says:

    and boom goes the dynamite


  9. Smurfkebabs says:

    Now that Dumbledoor is gone, can we unseal the records regarding whos bum his wand hath chosen-ed?


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