Rise of the Planet of the Apes

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By Mark Ramsey | 2011/08/14

What’s with these monkeys?  I thought apes in the future were hairy humans with walnut shells for mouths!  These look too much like monkeys.  If I want to watch monkeys take over the world I’ll watch the Jersey Shore.

It has been ten years since Fox last maligned the memory of…er…paid tribute to the original Planet of the Apes franchise.  And that means one and only one thing:

This is a job for Hollywood’s favorite go-to gorilla, Andy Serkis.

“It’s not for nothing that my last name is pronounced ‘circus,’” said Andy.

Yes, performance capture sensors flock to Andy like porn stars to Charlie Sheen.

“These sensors crash at my house all the time,” said Andy from his palatial blue screen, which resembles an Italian villa when viewed through the camera. “They need to get away from being constantly berated by James Cameron and propositioned by Pauly Shore.”

With that, Andy popped the imaginary top off a performance capture soda, took an imaginary drink, and passed around an imaginary joint to his imaginary co-stars.

“They’re not all imaginary!” noted Andy.  “What about John Lithgow?  His character is moving in and out of Alzheimers, depending on whether or not he’s having a bad hair day.”

James Franco is a brilliant scientist.  “My specialty is obviously not Oscar Hostology,” he says.  It seems that Franco has developed a drug that can help the monkey brain grow intelligence while wiping out all of humanity in the process. Isn’t this the job of the local TV anchor team?

And so Franco must casually break every existing rule of scientific safety protocol in order to have a pet monkey named Caesar at home and a ready supply of lethal aerosol drugs in his fridge.  Ah, science!  You and your silly safety rules!

“I think that puts me in the Ricardo Montalban role,” says Franco, referring to an original Apes movie which featured the owner of another super-smart chimp named Caesar.  “I hope so, because Serkis says he can make his blue screen home look like Fantasy Island.”

Franco lands a veterinarian girlfriend from Slumdog Millionaire.  “I love you,” she coos.  “And I love your prospects for international box office,” he coos back.

But before the apes take over, they must be treated cruelly so as to win our sympathies.  After all, it’s tough to be sympathetic to a species that uses its own feces as projectiles.

And that task of simian cruelty goes to Brian Cox, who must be wearing performance capture sensors on his head because his hair is performing the color of much younger hair.

Brian takes Caesar into his mean old zoo where Caesar is the only ape in pants, but that doesn’t last long.  This isn’t Planet of the Modest Apes, after all. It’s Planet of the Apes with Shadowy Genitals!

“Just make sure your genitals cast a long shadow,” advised Franco, as he handed Caesar off to Cox, whereupon you can make up your own pun.

That’s when we learn that apes are communicating with each other while the rest of us are forced to read subtitles.

“The great thing about this movie is that it will qualify for Oscar as a foreign language film,” said a Fox representative who swears to have met The Simpsons in person.

Unfortunately the filmmakers couldn’t resist stealing one of the most famous lines from the original, “Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape.”

“What we got here is…failure to communicate,” replied Cox.

“As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again,” said Caesar, the music swelling in a pants-free technicolor sunset.  And show me a technicolor sunset made more beautiful by pants.

“Maybe we can make this movie famous by stealing lines from more famous movies the way Cher impersonators become famous by stealing 1985 Bob Mackie outfits from Cher?” suggested Franco.

And what do we learn?

That monkeys make loyal pets, intelligence is a bad thing, science is a bad thing, and pants are a bad thing.

So next time you throw feces in anger, thank Fox.

And don’t expect much of a rise out of this planet.

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84 Responses to “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”

  1. tc says:

    Well that’ll teach me to google film reviews. What a waste of time. Perhaps I missed the point, maybe it’s supposed to be amusing? In any case please tell me this moron doesn’t get paid for this drivel. I’m off to a different website to find a critic who, hopefully, makes his mind up _after_ watching the film.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Sorry to waste your time. At least we’re now even.

    [Reply]

    anti critic mark shamsey Reply:

    your not funny mark

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Listen, Andy Serkis, if you must critique me at least do it without ignoring every grammatical convention in the English language.

    Zup Reply:

    Mark Ramsey is f**king stupid LOL.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Wow, that one took some effort. What’s next, “I know you are, but what am I?” Nicely done, really! At least I got you to laugh.

    Zup Reply:

    You’d probably have to insult me before I used that line.

    Yes yes, I laughed … at your stupidity. I congratulate you!

    Thanks for making me laugh, I look forward to more reviews.

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re welcome!

  2. zander says:

    Wow! That was a terrible film review… It really did sound like it was written by a child!

    My favourite bit was “must be wearing performance capture sensors on his head because his hair is performing the color of much younger hair.” – awful, just awful.

    It’s actually a shame that your attempts to be funny seem to be counted in the same light as actual considered review and alongside people who know the difference between monkeys and apes (did you even watch the film!?).

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, I am telescoping apes and monkeys into one category improperly.

    I didn’t realize this was a documentary and James Franco really is a brilliant scientist. I stand corrected!

    [Reply]

    Suhaib Reply:

    Whats the difference between an ape and a monkey? How do we know when someone is behaving like a monkey or an ape?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Pass the joint this way and I’ll ponder the answer to that one.

  3. jd says:

    You f**king suck. Worst article I have ever read. I am writing a letter to get you removed from Rotten Tomatoes, what a waste of my time to read your idiodic ramblings.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Please do. Because Rotten Tomatoes will certainly listen to you. You are “jd”, after all. From the tone of your comment I’m guessing everyone takes your advice.

    [Reply]

    Chris B Reply:

    Dear Rotten Tomatoes,
    Please do not feed the troll.
    Sincerely,
    jd

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Just feed the monkeys.

    David Hernandez Reply:

    I love you mark. You make my funny bone “zing!”

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You should write blurbs for movies, David!

    Thanks for your comment. It made me stand up and cheer.

  4. Suhaib says:

    I m trying to recover from the fits of laughter ” If I want to watch monkeys take over the world I’ll watch the Jersey Shore.” haven’t read any more.

    Okay going to try to finish reading.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Don’t stop there or you’ll miss the hate mail!

    [Reply]

  5. Vormaen says:

    Well not only do you insult a perfectly enjoyable film, but then you add injury to insult with your lame attempt at a review when you obviously don”t have the mental capacity to do so. As this is a reboot and an origin story, the apes you saw are a primitive relative to the intelligent Ape-men they will become through evolution. So your opener was a sorry pile of feces, which from your writing style and juvenile attempts at humor, leads me to believe you are just flinging poo.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    What a phrase: “Reboot of an origin story.” You have been reading too many issues of the Hollywood Reporter.

    So you’re saying apes will eventually resemble humans through evolution? Where in history would we ever see that, come on!

    Wanna bet that future apes movies don’t move from CGI to walnut mouths?

    [Reply]

  6. Suhaib says:

    Poor Andy Circus and his niche market in Hollywood, analogy of him living in a blue screen house with imaginary friends was brilliant and hilarious.

    Thanks for being yourself again Mark !

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That’s the only person I can be, much to the chagrin of most. Thanks!

    [Reply]

  7. smurfpants says:

    I’m starting to see a pattern of obvious Hollywood insiders coming here to troll Mark’s reviews. Not as obvious as, say, Nicholas Cage’s fake hair, but at least as obvious as John Travolta’s something sexuality.

    Hey, John, did you know that the founder of your religion lived on a yatch in international waters so he could bugger young boys? Oh wait, that’s just a myth. The true part is about the aliens and volcanos or whatever.

    Hang on, I gotta go back and read what this movie was. Ok, Apes.

    Well, there’s no material there and this is a rant about Hollywood insiders trolling a movie review site. So, I just thought I would say that maybe Hollywood should start producing some new material instead of spending 10 years re-hashing old stuff. Did you guys decide that writers were the hole in your bottom line? How much Peruvian flake is one writer worth? A year’s supply? Six months?

    How bout you junkie schlameels pull your heads out of the Screamineagle and hire back some of the writers who put food on your tables? Like me, for instance? Did you ever see Layer Cake? I didn’t write that, but did you ever see Cassablanca? I didn’t write that either, but did you ever see Cold Souls? I wrote….. a review of that.

    I’m all out of rant, but you schleps will never escape the ability of people to call you out on your BS. If I had more energy, I’d call BS.

    [Reply]

  8. trent says:

    Common people it’s obvious this guy is trolling haha

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Aren’t all common people trolls?

    [Reply]

  9. Chris B says:

    You seem disappointed that you didn’t see any ape penis. Is that what you were looking forward to most when you sat down to watch this film?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, especially if I get to see it slapping you upside your head.

    [Reply]

    johnstone Reply:

    so youre into gay monkey/human sex? nice.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t know how you draw that conclusion, but something tells me on a REAL planet of the apes, that would certainly be high on the apes’ list of priorities. Damn, dirty apes!

  10. Max T says:

    Apes, not monkeys. You are an overpaid idiot.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Are we seriously debating species nomenclature for a movie about simians taking over the world?

    Save it for PBS, fella, this is the Internet!

    [Reply]

  11. Kris says:

    The review was entertaining (and thankfully inoffensive, because I for one thought the movie was pretty weak), but more importantly, the witty retorts to the angsty comments were priceless. Keep it up, Mark!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I think you just called me “inoffensive” which is easily the highest praise I have ever received, and rightly so.

    Thanks!

    [Reply]

  12. kobe jordan says:

    Great article Mark! Had fun reading it. The movie really sucked as compared to the original film. It was just another common sci-fi thriller that hitch-hiked to the good name of the original movie. I just wondered why it had a high rating in the rotten tomatoes.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I was amazed by that, too.

    As with so many originals, the POTA one worked because surprises were around every corner. In this case, a studio exec with his hand out is around every corner.

    [Reply]

  13. TommyB says:

    Well, coming up with a plot device (drug) that makes apes highly intelligent and eliminates all humans, to me, seems just too convenient (idiotic).
    It also eliminates the need for the movie’s entire plot.
    All the plot you need would be: Release gas (by accident or not, who cares?), humans dead, apes geniuses.

    I, for one, would prefer something that Woody Allen tried to use in the original ‘Casino Royale’: A gas that makes all women beautiful and kills all men taller the 4 foot 6.
    Ok, that would include me, but I’m no genius!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Bring me Ricardo Montalban!

    [Reply]

  14. Bran says:

    When I read this, I know for sure that Fox is trying to make the ultimate dogmatic trilogy where God himself will destroy the evil apes from the good believing people and the evil science from the only schoolbook you should read: the bible.

    Now the question is, are the apes in part two evolved into the *Steve Irwin dialect* Poisonous, dangerous creature of the world the Muslims ?

    Can’t wait…

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    This comment is so thick with ways for me to get in trouble, I am tempted to leave well enough alone.

    [Reply]

    TommyB Reply:

    I’m pretty sure Fox doesn’t want God to destroy evil apes, since that would make ‘em loose the entire staff of Fox News.
    Maybe Glen Beck would survive, if God considered him as “just a monkey” (Chances for that are good!).

    Since the apes are already more intelligent in part 1 the only thing they need to do for the Fox guys to consider them “evolved”, is starting to wear pants.

    So, all that’s left for me to say is: BANANAS!

    [Reply]

  15. Iphie says:

    I don’t care, I’m still going to go see the movie

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That makes two of us: I don’t care, either.

    [Reply]

  16. Stephen Robinson says:

    Terrible review, you clearly don’t know any facts.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, the notion of a planet of apes is heavily dependent on a sturdy and unyielding supply of facts, isn’t it?

    [Reply]

  17. Alex says:

    Came here through rotten tomatoes. Won’t be making that mistake again as I can’t seem to find the actual review.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Congratulations: You’re the winner of our new t-shirt: “I made a mistake so egregious I feel the need to post a comment proclaiming it to others”

    [Reply]

    Mariah Reply:

    As opposed to your having posted your inane, rambling “rants” for all the world to attempt to endure? Yes, your drivel is *much* more worthwhile and worthy of being read than someone’s who’s opinion isn’t as painful to read as Jersey Shore is to watch.
    At least Alex’s post wasn’t an obvious “look how funny I am” plea for recognition.
    His post had a point.
    Unlike yours.

    While you may get off on the notion that people are just surly due to your biting wit and hilarious commentary on the directors, actors, etc., it’s my duty as an upstanding citizen to let you know that the people who oppose your unparalleled insights and critiquing do so only because you’re so horrible at it.
    You should have picked another career. (If it can be called that, and not an unfortunate and unfunny joke played on us poor, unassuming civilians)

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Poor, you are!

    Vic Green Reply:

    Hahaha you’re funnier than he is, girl.
    You should take his job!! Tell us what you think of the movie, Mariah, and if it’s as good as I think it’ll be, I’ll write a letter on behalf of the people DEMANDING that you take his place.

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Please – write your letter – anything to keep you off this blog.

    Vic Green Reply:

    Is being called “Less Funny” that hard to endure?
    Poor thing

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I don’t know. Let me roll over in bed, tap your mom on the shoulder, and ask her.

  18. random johnson says:

    I had alot of fun reading this review, once I stopped taking it seriously. Also, guidos hate being called monkeys. Dont let sitch hear you.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You found the tipping point! Congrats!

    [Reply]

  19. philly cheese says:

    You must be the most avid comment-replying critic ever! I bet Ebert would be the same way if he were nobody.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re welcome!

    By the way, I think a movie about Ebert being a nobody would be much better than the one you’re bothering to comment about here.

    [Reply]

    philly cheese Reply:

    Only if Ebert were played by Andy Serkis.

    [Reply]

  20. Josh says:

    You barely even tried to write this review didn’t you?

    You can be snarky as you want with your replies, but you do understand that this is an awful review, right? You can’t honestly think you did anything that resembled a decent job here, can you?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You have used too many double-negatives. As a result I’m not sure how to answer.

    [Reply]

    shou Reply:

    What? He didn’t use any double negatives.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re right, Professor! Time to scour the web for more corrections!

  21. Aplz says:

    Hilarious review. Not because you’re witty, but because you think you’re funny.

    Keep em coming.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks! Now back to your mom’s basement with you!

    [Reply]

    Aplz Reply:

    Ok! Now back to your mom’s basement with you!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I hear an echo.

  22. apple says:

    “If I want to watch monkeys take over the world I’ll watch the Jersey Shore.”

    If you didn’t want to watch monkeys take over the world, why are you reviewing this movie?

    It’s like walking into the movie “Hangover” and going “derp derp if I wanted to derp watch drunk people, I’d go to the bar downtown derp”.

    Smarten up dude.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I was going to try to reply with an analogy using the term “derp” but I couldn’t think of one.

    [Reply]

    apple Reply:

    That’s a shame. Normally you are more witty, or at least try to be.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re in for a lifetime of disappointment, I sense.

  23. sordatos says:

    Is seem like copy-paste of paragraph from different sources. Its hard to make sense of it..

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That was my reaction to your comment, too! What a coincidence!

    [Reply]

  24. movieFan says:

    Although this is not the best review I have ever read, I do have to agree with every word.
    The acting was not very convincing, special effects were mediocre at best, and the story had WAY more potential. It could have been fleshed out more, but they settled on cliches.
    Dare I say, this makes Tim Burton’s POTA film look like a masterpiece!
    I hope to read more of your reviews!
    Keep up the good work Mark, saying what needed to be said!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    “Not the best review I have ever read.”

    That may be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

    Thanks much!

    PS You’re right – at least Burton recognized the need for some humor. If nothing else his POTA had that.

    [Reply]

    movieFan Reply:

    Indeed it did.
    And you’re welcome!

    [Reply]

  25. BloodyRapedAped says:

    How dare you all make fun of my family like this.. Rise of the Planet of the Apes is not a movie, its a documentary about my life!! You twat nibbling bastards.. I hope gonorrhea dissolves your tan-bananas. PS James Franco can fling poo like no other. Just ask Spidey.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If only apes could comment to discussion threads this would have been a better movie.

    [Reply]

    TommyB Reply:

    Reading all the comments on your site, I’ve become pretty sure they already do.

    And no, it hasn’t made the movie any better.

    [Reply]

  26. Joanna Easom says:

    I enjoyed this review immensely more than the movie.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    And I spent a lot less of the studio’s money to produce it! Thanks Joanna!

    [Reply]

  27. Jaycee says:

    Planet of the Apes is one of my favorite movies ever. (Rise of…, that is). Cabin in the Woods, Inglourius Basterds, Die Hard, and other movies I could watch again and again. The true test – would I buy this movie? I bought Planet. Watched it 4 times so far.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You got 3 1/2 on me.

    [Reply]

  28. zasłony says:

    I do not drop many remarks, however i did some searching and
    wound up here Rise of the Planet of the Apes | Movie Juice.
    And I do have a couple of questions for you if it’s allright.
    Could it be just me or does it look as if like a few of these remarks come across as if they
    are left by brain dead people? :-P And, if
    you are writing on additional online sites, I’d like to
    keep up with anything new you have to post. Would you make a list
    of all of all your community sites like your linkedin profile,
    Facebook page or twitter feed?

    [Reply]

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