Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

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By Mark Ramsey | 2011/08/31

You won’t be afraid of the dark, just deeply disappointed by it.

It’s not every New England estate that comes complete with its own Hole to Hell.  Or with its own koi pond and backyard graveyard.

“if only the koi were baristas and the graveyard had WiFi it would be perfect,” quipped Katie Holmes, who hasn’t been in a quipping mood ever since quipping “I do” to you-know-who.

Is anybody hungry?  Katie’s cheeks are so sunken Craft Services served dip out of them on set.

Where has Katie been lately, anyway?  In the Hollywood pecking order, Katie is the person you go to after Angelina says no, after Kate Hudson says no, after Dharma in Dharma and Greg says no, and after the girl who walked on in episode 4, season 3, of Buffy the Vampire Slayer says no.

Katie takes one look at that deep Hole to Hell:  “How many quarts of Haagen-Dazs can I throw up into that?” she asked.

Enter Guy Pearce of Memento fame and whose memory should have faded before the opening credits rolled.

Katie and Guy together have all the chemistry of two wooden poles attached by a downed power line.  “I hear some crackling but it’s coming from my feet,” said Katie.  “Maybe if he stands on it Tom will reach to your nose,” snarked Guy.

Things get peculiar when a faint high-ptched whispering is heard from the bottomless hole.

“Is that Jennifer Tilly at the bottom of that hole?” asked Katie “or am I thinking of a scene in Bound with Gina Gershon?”

No, just little CGI beasties that wouldn’t scare the lamp out of your lawn jockey.

“Is this a Travelocity commercial? Our basement is being invaded by garden gnomes,” shouted Katie.

“No, too many people would see this if it were a Travelocity commercial,” said Guy. “This is just between us, the three people in the theater, and the loved ones shamed by their presence in our opening weekend grosses.”

Katie’s daughter discovers that the flash of a camera scares the creatures back into their hole making them the only creatures in Hollywood to react that way to a camera.

“We just want to get back to the torrential rain of Haagen-Dazs,” gnome #4 explains.

One thing leads to another and nothing leads anywhere.

The only thing you should fear about this dark is being present when the lights go down.

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30 Responses to “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark”

  1. LiLi Marie says:

    This is so horrifically written, that I am more afraid of your “critic” skills, then the movie itself. You failed to tell anyone anything about the movie, all you did was bash the actors (I’m sorry, have you been in any great films lately?) and make fun of the entire thing. Now, I may be a little knew at this whole “reviewing” thing, but shouldn’t a review, actually REVIEW the movie and not constantly be making fun of it in a way that no one understands? I love Haagen-Dazs just as much as the next guy, but must we include it in every other damn sentence? Jesus, are you getting commisions for promiting this stuff or what?! I just love how “critics” write “reviews” and fail to “review” anything! What is this supposed to tell me about the movie other than : “it sucks so badly that I have nothing better to do than bash everyone and everything about it”? This is almost as bad of a review as that Winnie the Pooh review I read awhile back. The “critic” stated: “I never liked Winnie The Pooh as a child; this movie was very ‘pooh’.” Bravo movie critics.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re absolutely right! I should spit out the plot of the movie because God knows there’s nowhere one can find those details!

    I’m sorry you don’t understand, but your objection is very pooh.

    [Reply]

    Becky Reply:

    I saw the movie, and I really liked your review, looks like I am in the minority though.

    P. S. Marie I think you meant to say “new” not “knew”

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Becky, you are obviously a woman of exquisite taste and discernment.

  2. Jack says:

    If this is a negative review, you should have given reasons why you believe it to appear so. Instead I have to agree with the 1st comment, you only seem more interested in putting down the actors. You should start reading reviews from Roger Ebert and observe the attention to detail he makes and apply those principles. Its hard to believe people like you have a job doing this sort of thing. Please tell me you dont get paid for this..

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re right! I should do what everybody else is doing. Because it’s hard to find a movie review online nowadays.

    [Reply]

    Z Reply:

    How’s this working out for you?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    It depends what you mean by “this.” If it’s answering “this” question, then not so good. Otherwise, great!

  3. Arry says:

    I am sorry, but quite frankly this is the worst review I have ever read, in terms of structure, grammar and content. I think I see what you were trying to do, but it just doesn’t work. I tried reading a few others… your reviews produce the occasional giggle or snort according to one’s inclination, but I notice most commenters criticize your work – and your replies are as poor as your reviews.

    I am perfectly serious. I hope your site dies for the betterment of mankind. There are probably many worse sites, I’ve just never visited any of them. The only reason I am wasting time posting is in the vague hope that this comment will finally be the straw that breaks the proverbial donkey’s back, and that you will give up. Please give up.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Just for the record, the straw breaks the proverbial camel’s back, not donkey’s back. I don’t know what would break a donkey’s back but my guess is the answer is “your mother.”

    [Reply]

  4. lessavyfav says:

    Apropos of nothing, when are you going to review Film Socialisme? I think I would love to read that. I hear Godard is the next Tarantino.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’m not sure but I think that film may even be less popular than Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.

    [Reply]

  5. Star_Bright says:

    I don’t know why people are complaining about this review. It had more good lines than the movie.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Amen.

    [Reply]

    David Hernandez Reply:

    Yeah, this script would’ve been better as toilet paper. And it’d probably still hurt your ass.

    [Reply]

  6. Zeromus says:

    Shit-talk by a shit-writer. Seriously, how about actually reviewing the thing instead of playing MST3K with it. The majority agrees by the look of it.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, let’s all take our cues on consensus from a discussion thread, because those are known never to be wrong!

    [Reply]

  7. Pickles says:

    This reminds me of Gene Shalit and Rex Reed – two awful critics with terrible taste, more interested in attempting comedy riffs than providing any sort of well-thought-out criticism – except even they generally provide some kind of review. This piece doesn’t. It says nothing about the movie, why it did or didn’t work in your opinion, or why a viewer should want to see it or not. This is primarily a hatchet piece on Katie Holmes and how stupid you think the premise is – no criticism is present.

    In any case, your naivete and immaturity is on full display. Go to school, learn to write criticism for real.

    I also bet you’re so young and oblivious you lack the self-control to refrain from replying to this comment – something you really ought to get over, someone somewhere is going to hate whatever you write, no matter what it is or what opinions you present.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If “someone somewhere is going to hate whatever I write, no matter what it is” then I’m obviously doing something right.

    But thanks for the comment “Xanadu_Dan.” I always look for deep insights from fans of classic Olivia Newton-John masterpieces.

    [Reply]

  8. Ann says:

    This review made me laugh really hard. I thought Katie Holmes looked terrible and yes, please eat something, very scary (we can blame Tom). She and Guy Pearce had terrible dialogue. The movie itself, by the end, b/c hysterically funny. Pearce’s character (the Dad) was so clueless you just wanted to scream at him, and poor Katie had to be the sacrificial female. This culture loves the eternally sacrificial female. Note (spoiler) that Pearce’s character is so shallow he doesn’t even try to save poor Katie at the end, the guy was too busy swanning around in his pea coat worried about his career. The little girl should b/c an emancipated minor dealing with a jerk-off like this guy turned out to be. The creatures seemed like angry potatoes with eyes and I asked my friend why in hell someone didn’t just throw boiling oil on them. Over and out!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Wow, if only the creatures really HAD been angry potatoes, now THAT would be scary!

    [Reply]

  9. mlondon2010@yahoo.com says:

    Mark you are bloody hilarious! On point as always! These stuffy yanks that think “friends” is funny and watch Kate plus eight and the skankdashian sisters shave their legs have no business on this site. Satire on point and the pecking order line had me chortling into my glass of white zin! Fabulous your bloody fabulous!! So there!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well you agree with me so by definition you are right! Thanks!

    [Reply]

  10. mlondon2010@yahoo.com says:

    PS Pickles you truly are a humorless wanker and the type of hollywood douche bag that makes me want to leave LA altogether – in fact – correct me if I am wrong didn’t you had a walk in part on Glee wearing some fetching pink nylons?

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    As long as they were fetching.

    [Reply]

  11. mlondon2010@yahoo.com says:

    PPS has the ghost of Elron Hubbard taken over the blog on this site? Did the evil xzoneie (or whatever his name his) threaten to boycott your spaceship? LAME.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I wish it really were spelled “Elron.” Then he would sound like a resident of Krypton instead of a creator of wacky religions.

    [Reply]

    TommyB Reply:

    And I thought Elron was the Elf Lord of Rivendell…
    And he’s a scientologist with a space ship?
    Wow, I guess I missed that while watching “The Lord of the Rings”!

    [Reply]

  12. markit8dude says:

    Katie Holmes, quite possibly the worst actress who has kind of made it, but not really.

    Even Kate ‘So you really like my movie Blue Crush’ Bosworth has more acting chops than Ms. Holmes.

    I liken Katie to another bad actress, Renee Zellweger.

    Ms. Zellweger, other than looking like she’s releasing a deuce when smiling, has shines in nothing. Sure, she’s spun around the Hollywood dating/annulment scene like a champ (though nothing compared to the uber-boy band c um dumpster Drew Barrymore) but honestly, her English accent is atrocious! I’ve seen bits and pieces of ‘Bridget Jones’ and am amazed not everyone goes catatonic from hearing the girl.

    Alas, Ms. Holmes should hope and pray for a Dawson’s Creek reunion in the near future.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    A “deuce,” that’s a card with a “2″ on it, right?

    [Reply]

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