It’s not every New England estate that comes complete with its own Hole to Hell. Or with its own koi pond and backyard graveyard.
“if only the koi were baristas and the graveyard had WiFi it would be perfect,” quipped Katie Holmes, who hasn’t been in a quipping mood ever since quipping “I do” to you-know-who.
Is anybody hungry? Katie’s cheeks are so sunken Craft Services served dip out of them on set.
Where has Katie been lately, anyway? In the Hollywood pecking order, Katie is the person you go to after Angelina says no, after Kate Hudson says no, after Dharma in Dharma and Greg says no, and after the girl who walked on in episode 4, season 3, of Buffy the Vampire Slayer says no.
Katie takes one look at that deep Hole to Hell: “How many quarts of Haagen-Dazs can I throw up into that?” she asked.
Enter Guy Pearce of Memento fame and whose memory should have faded before the opening credits rolled.
Katie and Guy together have all the chemistry of two wooden poles attached by a downed power line. “I hear some crackling but it’s coming from my feet,” said Katie. “Maybe if he stands on it Tom will reach to your nose,” snarked Guy.
Things get peculiar when a faint high-ptched whispering is heard from the bottomless hole.
“Is that Jennifer Tilly at the bottom of that hole?” asked Katie “or am I thinking of a scene in Bound with Gina Gershon?”
No, just little CGI beasties that wouldn’t scare the lamp out of your lawn jockey.
“Is this a Travelocity commercial? Our basement is being invaded by garden gnomes,” shouted Katie.
“No, too many people would see this if it were a Travelocity commercial,” said Guy. “This is just between us, the three people in the theater, and the loved ones shamed by their presence in our opening weekend grosses.”
Katie’s daughter discovers that the flash of a camera scares the creatures back into their hole making them the only creatures in Hollywood to react that way to a camera.
“We just want to get back to the torrential rain of Haagen-Dazs,” gnome #4 explains.
One thing leads to another and nothing leads anywhere.
The only thing you should fear about this dark is being present when the lights go down.