By Mark Ramsey | 2011/10/18

“Even I thought I was dead,” said Kenny Loggins, whose epic and eternal version of Footloose graces the carnage of a teen head-on collision.  “After all, my ASCAP checks have been printed in the amount of ‘You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me’ dollars and ‘Don’t Make Me Laugh’ cents for years.”

“Then Hollywood decides that having remade everything except Footloose it was finally my turn,” added Kenny, “thus reviving my bank account and my winery and coffeehouse touring career.”

“To all you Footloose fans,” said Kenny, “I’ll be panhandling outside the Starbucks at 308 Wilshire in Santa Monica.  I can also draw your caricature, and if your kid is having a birthday, remember I’m a certified balloon engineer.”

Guess what, the new version of Footloose is sinking below industry expectations!  What?!  Let’s Hear it for the Boy and Holding Out for a Hero don’t have the same resonance when you exit the era of Miami Vice suits and stirrup pants?  Imagine that.

In the theater where I saw the film, what little audience there was was mostly older moms dragging their daughters to a remake of a movie which occupied entirely too much of their time and the music charts in an era when their feet were loose and everything else was not.

Welcome to Bomont, Georgia.  A tiny town that has been misspelling itself since its Klan founding in 1923.

Because those kids died so tragically it’s time to outlaw dancing!  Or at least dancing while driving drunk.

Dennis Quaid takes on the John Lithgow role and seems equally adept at not bursting out laughing at the central premise of this ridiculous movie.  “I’ve seen Kenny Loggins doing caricatures outside Starbucks,” said Dennis, “and I’d rather be on the red carpet – even if it leads to the Lifetime channel.”

So Ren moves to town from Boston where he immediately lands a job at the local cotton gin, up the street from the Best Buy Phonograph Store and the local Buggy Whips R Us.

Ren quickly establishes his manhood by fixing up a broken down VW bug in sixty seconds flat including an iPod-powered audio system, which must really wow them down at the cotton gin.

Then Ren’s manhood goes all to Hell when he acknowledges a history in gymnastics and a passion for the kind of dance moves most cotton gin workers could only read about in books if only they hadn’t been dead for a hundred years.

Enter Julianne Hough, late of Dancing With the Stars and most famous for being the blemish-free face of Proactiv and being most grateful that Hayden Panettiere can’t dance.

Like the rest of humanity and and out of the theater, Ren can’t believe that dancing is against the law, let alone that there is a movie based on the nutty concept in this day and age,

“I believe that any town where Dennis Quaid can wear pleated trousers should also be a town where kids can dance,” says Ren.  “But first, I will prove my bona fides by racing a school bus encrusted with stuffed animals!”

Ren is getting angry, and he’s getting down.

“Nobody wants to see Bomont in their rear view mirror more than me,” says Julianne, channeling what little audience this movie has.

“Dancing can be destructive!” says Dennis Quaid.  “Unless you’re doing it on the grave of whatever studio exec green lit this movie.”

But Ren’s logic is as unassailable as his choppers are bunny-sized:

“Our job as teenagers is to act like idiots.  And it’s a job for which every member of this cast is well paid.”

And so it was that the tiny rural town of Bomont would once again be revealed for what it was:  A remote refuge for professional dancers masquerading as high schoolers.

Everybody cut, everybody cut…everybody cut, everybody cut.

Everybody cut your throat.


6 Responses to “Footloose”

  1. Chris G says:

    Funny stuff. The article, I mean. Thanks for the warning on this turkey. Not that I was going to see it anyway. Hell, I avoided the FIRST ONE like the plague…


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    The plague would have made this movie vastly better.

    Thanks Chris!


  2. I love it...ALWAYS! You get it right.... says:



  3. Jude Catton says:

    I have to say that for the past couple of hours i have been hooked by the amazing articles on this blog. Keep up the wonderful work.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Wow, a couple of HOURS?

    I need to put in that much time WRITING them now….



  4. Bren says:

    Dead on dude. Can’t imagine anyone would enjoy this boring pile of crap made only more boring by the dulled-down versions of the inspiring music from the original. Never knew “holding on for a Hero” could sound so sleepy and depressing.


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