It’s time for Edward to spend the rest of his non-life with Bella – but first, an admission: He once killed murderers outside a movie house in the 1930′s. What?! This he had to hold back? Did he also “give a hoot and don’t pollute”?
Edward didn’t bite those murderers, he just suffocated them in his eyebrows. “Nick Cage has been hunting 18th Century American artifacts in these brows,” said Edward. “Look closely and you can see whatever substitutes for Nick’s teeth nowadays.”
Summit Entertainment spent more than $100 million to make this movie, much of it to license Edward’s eyebrows.
“I don’t know who’s catering this wedding,” said Edward, “but the entire buffet only covers one brow.”
The wedding is almost over, but first: Dances with werewolves. Yes, Jacob, our faux-Native American counterweight is wearing his good abs to this wedding. “Together, Bella and I are a seven-pack – six-pack plus one,” said Jacob.
Cue the really cute shoes, designer handbags, and salon-fresh looks – the Cullens are making Forks, Washington safe for Nordstrom’s half-yearly sale. “When you live forever and have no evident occupation besides primping, you have plenty of time to fuss with your hair,” said Alice.
Edward was nearly late for the wedding. His eyebrows got lost on their way to his forehead.
But now it’s time to walk down the aisle.
Oh, that’s just a dream. A dream where the bride and groom pose on a cake of dead bodies. And wouldn’t you know it, they’re vanilla dead bodies.
Now it’s REALLY time to walk down the aisle. And then it’s off to the kind of honeymoon you can only afford when you are unemployed vampires dwelling atop your mountain estate just to the left of the the middle of nowhere in Crackhead County, Washington.
“We have three jobs here in Crackhead County,” said Bella’s dad, “police chief, diner waitress, and butt-picker, and in Forks the 1% are the folks who can do two out of three.”
This wedding went on and on for so long I felt guilty that I didn’t bring a gift. They’re barely married and already I want a divorce from these two.
And here we go on the honeymoon!
Disaffected moping must really pay, because the Cullens are raking it in! How else to explain a honeymoon on a private island off the coast of Rio! How else to explain a wedding gown designed by Carolina Herrera in a town where the average gown is designed by Cooter and Otis Herrera.
And what do Edward and Bella do on their remote private island? They play chess! Lots and lots of chess!
“I was hoping for a knight, but instead I got rooked,” said Bella, as she desperately searched for a game produced within the past 500 years.
Meanwhile Jacob pined away: “We’ll always have checkers.”
Back from the honeymoon – and Bella is in danger. Again!
But the Cullens are busy watching ESPN.
“I’m just watching it because I assume the ‘P’ is for ‘penis’,” said a defensive Carlisle.
“Wake me when Tim Gunn fluffs the hot style messes on the field,” said Jasper.
Bam! Bella’s pregnant. “Chalk it up to the fertility-promoting seductive power of chess,” said Edward.
But Bella is not taking it well. “The baby has been diagnosed with prenatal moping and disaffected posturing. This fetus’s eyebrows are not compatible with my body – or any other body for that matter.”
Fortunately, the ability to perform an emergency C-section is what separates a good boyfriend from a great one.
Cue the climactic battle between vampires and dogs. Don’t blink or you’ll miss it.
Too bad I can’t say that about the rest of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1.
It’s less saga. More soggy.