The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

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By Mark Ramsey | 2011/11/28

It’s time for the wedding of the century, and don’t I wish it was a different century.

It’s time for Edward to spend the rest of his non-life with Bella – but first, an admission:  He once killed murderers outside a movie house in the 1930′s. What?!  This he had to hold back?  Did he also “give a hoot and don’t pollute”?

Edward didn’t bite those murderers, he just suffocated them in his eyebrows.  “Nick Cage has been hunting 18th Century American artifacts in these brows,” said Edward.  “Look closely and you can see whatever substitutes for Nick’s teeth nowadays.”

Summit Entertainment spent more than $100 million to make this movie, much of it to license Edward’s eyebrows.

“I don’t know who’s catering this wedding,” said Edward, “but the entire buffet only covers one brow.”

The wedding is almost over, but first: Dances with werewolves.  Yes, Jacob, our faux-Native American counterweight is wearing his good abs to this wedding. “Together, Bella and I are a seven-pack – six-pack plus one,” said Jacob.

Cue the really cute shoes, designer handbags, and salon-fresh looks – the Cullens are making Forks, Washington safe for Nordstrom’s half-yearly sale. “When you live forever and have no evident occupation besides primping, you have plenty of time to fuss with your hair,” said Alice.

Edward was nearly late for the wedding.  His eyebrows got lost on their way to his forehead.

But now it’s time to walk down the aisle.

Oh, that’s just a dream.  A dream where the bride and groom pose on a cake of dead bodies.  And wouldn’t you know it, they’re vanilla dead bodies.

Now it’s REALLY time to walk down the aisle.  And then it’s off to the kind of honeymoon you can only afford when you are unemployed vampires dwelling atop your mountain estate just to the left of the the middle of nowhere in Crackhead County, Washington.

“We have three jobs here in Crackhead County,” said Bella’s dad, “police chief, diner waitress, and butt-picker, and in Forks the 1% are the folks who can do two out of three.”

This wedding went on and on for so long I felt guilty that I didn’t bring a gift.  They’re barely married and already I want a divorce from these two.

And here we go on the honeymoon!

Disaffected moping must really pay, because the Cullens are raking it in!  How else to explain a honeymoon on a private island off the coast of Rio!  How else to explain a wedding gown designed by Carolina Herrera in a town where the average gown is designed by Cooter and Otis Herrera.

And what do Edward and Bella do on their remote private island? They play chess!  Lots and lots of chess!

“I was hoping for a knight, but instead I got rooked,” said Bella, as she desperately searched for a game produced within the past 500 years.

Meanwhile Jacob pined away: “We’ll always have checkers.”

Back from the honeymoon – and Bella is in danger.  Again!

But the Cullens are busy watching ESPN.

“I’m just watching it because I assume the ‘P’ is for ‘penis’,” said a defensive Carlisle.

“Wake me when Tim Gunn fluffs the hot style messes on the field,” said Jasper.

Bam!  Bella’s pregnant.  “Chalk it up to the fertility-promoting seductive power of chess,” said Edward.

But Bella is not taking it well.  “The baby has been diagnosed with prenatal moping and disaffected posturing.  This fetus’s eyebrows are not compatible with my body – or any other body for that matter.”

Fortunately, the ability to perform an emergency C-section is what separates a good boyfriend from a great one.

Cue the climactic battle between vampires and dogs.  Don’t blink or you’ll miss it.

Too bad I can’t say that about the rest of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1.

It’s less saga.  More soggy.

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27 Responses to “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1”

  1. K says:

    The wedding gown was likely purchased by Edward’s fashionista sister, Alice, who is known for her expensive style and taste. One would assume she wouldn’t have the gown locally designed/purchased (had one been following the movies/books since inception).

    The vampire family is not unemployed… Carlisle is a well respected doctor and has been for many many years. It’s likely he’s had “time” to save up money for the glamorous home and vacation home.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Wow, that makes so much sense it’s scary.

    How well respected can a doctor be when he feeds off human blood? All the successful ones I know feed off human fears.

    [Reply]

    JuJu Reply:

    The Cullens are “vegetarians”, they don’t feed off human blood. :)
    Anyway, I am kinda embarrassed that I know this, but the reason they are so filthy rich is Alice’s clairvoyance – they made some smart investments over many decades.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I’m embarrassed for you, too.

    But if Alice is so clairvoyant, why is she living in a glass house in Forks?

    JM Reply:

    OMG. Just … OMG. Seriously?

    Sorry; I guess that for a second I must have forgotten these characters are, ummm, not REAL.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    So much for the movie’s Oscar chances in the documentary category.

    [Reply]

  2. Sindie says:

    So, I thought this pretty much nailed it. If you are thinking “surely more ought to have happened than Edward’s eyebrows?” Then I’m afraid to tell you that no, that’s about it. Yes, really. These are things I would do in order of importance:
    Visiting the in-laws .> Playing Farmville > Watching paint dry > Watching Twilight

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I think the actual twilight would be more exciting.

    [Reply]

  3. ssx says:

    You’ve got your facts all wrong. Carlisle does not feed on human blood. Only on animals!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Not so!

    On page 114 of book three Carlisle clearly says “I’d really like to sink my fangs into that Fibromyalgia patient in my personal home operating room!”

    [Reply]

  4. Tracy says:

    They explain in one of the books where all the money comes from, the clairvoyant (fashionista) sister, Alice makes tons of money on the stock-market. She would also be reponsible for the designer wedding gown as she regularly imports designer clothing…because she can afford it. Carlisle is a doctor and none of them drink human blood, I don’t think Carlisle ever did…just when he saved people from death as in the case of all those he turned, Esme, Edward, and Rosalie. I just read page 114 of Eclipse and its Bella and Jacob talking about Quil turning……??

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Did I say page 114? I meant page 213.

    [Reply]

    Holly Reply:

    How dense can you be? You actually checked the book to see if Mark was telling the truth? Wow, you have to be the dullest person in the history of the world, because you clearly have no sense of humor. Mark, continue writing your hilarious reviews please! :)

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Nah, that’s it. I give up.

    [Reply]

  5. JuJu says:

    This is seriously the most hilarious review! ;-)))

    If you don’t mind, I’ll use these two sentences as my signatures:

    “Edward didn’t bite those murderers, he just suffocated them in his eyebrows.”

    “Fortunately, the ability to perform an emergency C-section is what separates a good boyfriend from a great one.”

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Thanks!

    If I were you I would pick the second line as my signature. it’s funnier. :-)

    [Reply]

  6. Amanda says:

    Well, this review was a lot cheesier than the actual movie….

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Unfortunately, that is a physical impossibility.

    [Reply]

    Art Reply:

    Your sense of humor is second to none

    [Reply]

  7. Jim says:

    This is a terrible review. You didn’t review the movie at all, you just pointed out things that made no sense to you. And WTF is with all the eyebrow jokes?? Not amusing. Nice job, dumbass. You suck.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Try reading it again, but in better light than what’s available in your mom’s basement.

    [Reply]

  8. Alex says:

    This review and your response to the those commenting who just take this whole farce so seriously were hysterical!

    The fact the reader checked the book page shows the film’s producers exactly what they wanted; that they met their target audience – dumb as a box of rocks and completely infatuated with characters who bear no resemblance to anybody real. Oh wait they are real aren’t they?

    No I suspect the documentary awards won’t be forthcoming psml.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    A box of rocks gives some folks something to aspire to.

    Thanks for the note.

    [Reply]

  9. Smack in the Mouth says:

    Hey! In all honesty, I love the Twilight series. This is also my favorite movie of 2011. I also love Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black, Hannah Montanna, and Nicholas Cage. Sorry, that was just the teenage girl population of the United States typing if they find out about your review. Pretty much this with some stfu’s, gtfo’s, lmfao’s, random swear words, and omg’s. Keep up with the good review Mark, love them!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You can bet on it. Thanks!

    [Reply]

  10. Laura says:

    I mean everything you just said had a perfect perfect explanation in the book! the Cullens are incredibly wealthy! but i guess for you to know that you have to read the books… the books are good, it’s a love story, like other love stories books for example the notebook they are good books for people who like romance and cheesy stuff…the movies are really bad! but this particular movie I really liked and enjoy! but its because i read the book and everything made sense to me, you have to be a twilight book fan to really like this movie, that is for sure… in the book they never played chess…but I guess it was easy for the movie maker to throw those scenes out….you are probably wondering why I am writing these when this movie is old….but i’m not a twilight movie fan….so i just watched it because i was curious about how bad the movie was and i’m on vacation…so yeah…i felt like writing these….

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Okay, smartypants, then how did the Cullens achieve their wealth when their appetite for work is far surpassed by their appetite for blank model-like stares?

    [Reply]

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