Wherever and whenever in the world there’s a need for a federal employee to rappel down a high-rise, look no farther than Tom Cruise! Tom spends as much time clinging to mirrored glass as all the Kardashians combined! Need to gain access to a computer room on the 2,000th floor to enable the guy from Shaun of the Dead to remotely operate the elevators? Show me the money!
If more Federal employee could rappel down a high-rise, then surely some of them could speed up the line at the DMV. What if we line up along a high-rise, will that help? And I’d like to buy some commemorative postage stamps while I dangle from a tower.
We begin with Tom Cruise in a Russian prison, and for all I know, that’s where he has really been since the last Mission: Impossible in 2006. Tom is keeping himself busy by bouncing a ball against the wall. “If my balls need to bounce against something in this prison, let it be the wall,” he says.
As usual, our IMF team has all the great spy gadgets, including an “ID the Assassin” iPhone app, which I definitely want. It will go great with my “Translate Katie Holmes’ Baby-Talk into English” app and my “Watch Penelope Cruz’s Career Go Into the Virtual Reality Toilet” app.
So to complete this mission, such as it is, Tom and his crew need to penetrate the Kremlin, and I don’t mean that Sumo dude three cells down from Tom in that Russian prison.
Penetrate the Kremlin?! Just apply a fake mustache (and is there any other kind?), gray your hair, put on a Russian General costume, and stroll into the place speaking not a word of Russian and carrying along a hallway-sized projection mechanism. Who doesn’t carry a hallway-sized projection mechanism around Moscow, anyway. Especially if it can project shelves of Vodka onto the wall or, in Tom’s case, shelves of Oscar statuettes.
But something goes wrong and the entire Kremlin blows up. Oops! “The wattage of my smile has overpowered the antiquated Russian electrical grid,” explained Tom. “I don’t know how much money I have on me,” says Tom. “But maybe if I wash dishes for the next 200 years….”
“Wait! 30 minutes of movie have passed! It’s time to put on some thigh-high shorts and hang from something high,” says Tom, “which is how I used to swing all day long from Nicole Kidman.”
As a result, the President invokes Ghost Protocol, meaning the entire Federal government will be run by a team of part-time paranormal investigators. “You can find it on the Travel Channel,” says Tom. “Just don’t ask what paranormal investigations have to do with travel – the answer is classified.”
“Don’t shoot until you see the white of their orbs,” says the lead member of our crack paranormal investigation team. And I say “crack” because they are literally on crack.
To redeem himself and the many gift cards he received over the holidays, Tom must chase down code-name Cobalt.
Why “Cobalt”? “Because it’s the shade of blue I felt after critics panned my recent action movie with Cameron Diaz,” said Tom, “the one where the chemistry was so thin even LeAnn Rimes offered it a bagel and a bowl of ice cream.”
Pity co-star Jeremy Renner, who doesn’t get to hang from anything besides Tom’s every word. He does get to float in a magnetic suspension thanks to an anti-gravity shirt and a Roomba that chases dust bunnies.
Where’s Ving Rhames, you may ask? He’s at the bar for a cameo, that’s where. “And I had to pay out of my pocket for that,” said Ving. “My agent called it ‘humanoid product placement.’”
Tom’s mission is to prevent the end of the world, and you can bet he does just that. So as the closing credits approach and he raises the itty bitty hood of his little tiny hoodie, what’s his mission?
To make another Mission: Impossible movie, I hope. Because that’s one mission all of us will choose to accept.
Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol can haunt my theater anytime.