Joyful Noise

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By Mark Ramsey | 2012/01/14

Dolly Parton is starring in a new movie!  Hey, Hollywood, what part of 1980 don’t you understand?

I’m going to pull out my hair and replace it with one of Dolly’s interchangeable yellow wigs.  Honestly, I didn’t expect to see her face back on the big screen unless they were using it as a projection surface.

But no worries, Dolly Parton brings on the big star-power with…Queen Latifah?!

What, Florence Henderson wasn’t available?  Latifah couldn’t open a movie if it came in a DVD case – and this one will go straight to the DVD basket case.

Joyful Noise continues the long string of movies begun with A Star is Born where Kris Kristofferson dies prematurely.  ”I specialize in guys who die long before the end credits roll,” said Kristofferson.  ”If you want a Kris Kristofferson-type who lives to see the final scene, call Jeff Bridges.”

At this late stage of the game, Dolly Parton is less an actor/singer than a steak:  A bundle of body parts plowed over, harvested by a Caterpillar tractor, rearranged by a bulldozer, stitched back together and displayed on a shelf at the Piggly Wiggly beside the well-marinated fillets of Faye Dunaway and Darryl Hannah.

“Do you need to pound this meat before grilling it?”

“No one has pounded this meat since the late ’70′s,” said the butcher.

“My body is the newest Dollywood attraction: The Bride of Frankenstein Safari, music by Dixie Dead and the TaTas.”

In an effort to get to the bottom of Dolly Parton, Lewis & Clark set out on an expedition to circumnavigate her breasts.  It has been over 200 years and neither has yet returned, although the cynics say it’s because neither one wants to.  As a precaution, the Coast Guard airdrops supplies every Spring after the snows melt.

Joyful Noise is a movie about a small-town choir, where two headstrong gals must get along for themselves, each other, their choir, and the town which desperately needs them more than the 25 million dollars worth of jobs this movie’s budget could have created.

Buy a ticket to Joyful Noise and get two needles to stick in your eyes and two hours of reasons to stick them.  The only thing joyful about this noise is the knowledge that it will eventually end, and we have only 32 more years to wait for another Dolly Parton cinema extravaganza.  ”By then I’ll be 263, but I won’t look a day over 210,” crowed Dolly out of whichever corner of her mouth continues to possess mobility.

“At Dollywood we have artisans blowing glass,” she said.  ”But here on the set I blow into a respirator.”

If Dolly could make an expression, it would be one of disgust. “My face hasn’t moved since the concrete set in 1978,” she explained.  ”If my face were gold you could find King Tut entombed in it.”

“My lips have been inflated so I can float away in case of emergency.  Hold on, Lewis & Clark!”

What does it mean that this movie opens on Friday the 13th when it should have opened on April 1st?

It means bad luck is no joke.

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12 Responses to “Joyful Noise”

  1. Geoff Stewart says:

    What is this prattle? It’s not revealing enough to be a review nor funny enough to be comedy. Stick to Starbucks, kid. (p.s. I didn’t care for the movie either…but why be so nasty? You act like the filmmakers did this to personally annoy you. Bitch, they don’t know your life!) :)

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    This is the prattle you’re taking the time to comment on, that’s what kind of prattle it is!

    [Reply]

    Michael Reply:

    I wish I could give you an award for this review.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    That makes you the only one! Thanks!

    Michael Reply:

    You have got to be joking. This is the greatest review in the history reviewin’. I’m thankful we don’t know your life, cause it is humorless.

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Your praise is so effusive it has me worried! But thanks!

    [Reply]

    Michael Reply:

    Stop worrying and enjoy the one fan you have for one review you wrote. Now, that puts it all in perspective!

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re absolutely right! Thanks!

    Michael Reply:

    oops meant to be the one “great” review you wrote. Only read 2 others.

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    One out of three at least gets me on the field!

    And thanks for those quotes around “great”! :-)

  2. TommyB says:

    When I saw the picture with Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah singing in the gospel choir,
    I immediately had kind of a flash foward and I envisioned “Glee Reunion Special 2040″!

    [Reply]

    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I will bet you a dollar that they will end up calling that a Glee-Union.

    Get ready.

    [Reply]

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