Underworld: Awakening

By Mark Ramsey | 2012/01/26

If it’s time to pay the Time Warner cable bill, it’s time for Kate Beckinsale to climb into a skin-tight black catsuit for another go at Underworld.

And this particular go will be gone before you know it.

What’s this? Underworld: Awakening, the fourth installment in the more endless than endlessly entertaining series, may be followed by a fifth? What a surprise!  Who would have guessed!

“Daddy needs a new boat,” said director Len Wiseman, also known as Mr. Kate Beckinsale.

“We’re hoping to make as many Underworlds as my other acting gigs permit, and that’s an infinite number of Underworlds,” said Kate.

“We’re going to keep on trying until we get it right,” said Wiseman.  “Or until we get it again, whichever comes first.”

Who doesn’t love franchise with colons in the titles?  “It’s a sign of either creative bankruptcy or irritable bowel syndrome,” said a Screen Gems executive who, like all Screen Gems executives, wished to remain anonymous.

“We’re out of ideas,” Kate acknowledged.  “As a result all future Underworld titles will borrow the words after the colon in the Resident Evil series, since they’re basically the same movies except we draw our cast from a different Starbucks.”

Pity poor Scott Speedman who did the last Beckinsale-intensive Underworld and appears to be reduced in this one to recycled stock footage combined with stunt doubles and CG.  He’s a constant theme in the movie but is nowhere to be found in the cast.  “That means I don’t get paid,” said a despondent Speedman on the set of his latest film which is being produced on his iPhone from the porch of his trailer home in Covina.

And while we’re at it, pity even more poor Wes Bentley, who is dispatched so early in this flick one is left asking “Did I just see Wes Bentley’s career flash before my eyes?”

Yes, Kate Beckinsale is back from a variety of forgettable roles to cement her claim as the world’s favorite auburn-haired  ass-kicking vampiress.  She’s also back from whatever cosmetic surgeon froze her forehead such that her face in an ice bucket can chill Len Wiseman’s champagne.

“My forehead is my instrument,” said Kate.  “and this instrument plays one note.”

This new chapter of Underworld adds humans to the mix.  It also adds a daughter for Kate Beckinsale, and like all teenaged daughters, she’s a hybrid.

“One day,” Kate assures her, “you, too, will grow up to dress like a restaurant server in San Francisco.”

What a great idea for the next chapter in the franchise:  Underworld: Check Please.


8 Responses to “Underworld: Awakening”

  1. TommyB says:

    Or maybe:
    Underworld: As Low As It Gets!

    Or maybe:
    Underworld: Dozing Off

    Or maybe:
    Down Underworld: Werewolfs On The Barbie

    Ok, that’s enough, isn’t it?

    I think giving us an endless franchise is just a sophisticated artistic means to let us experience how it feels to be a vampire that never dies:
    Like being hundreds of years old and seeing everything over and over again.
    The downside is aging about 10 years while watching the movie.

    The Upside: After seeing four Underworld movies, my forehead is frozen too, which makes me look 20 years younger.
    And facial expressions are overrated, anyway…

    And Kate in that catsuit…Still good.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:


    Underworld: Undernourished.

    It goes on and on, and it only gets older, not better.

    Thanks for the great additions to the rant!


  2. THGhost says:

    What a poorly constructed review. The least you could do was spell “cheque” properly.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Poor construction was what I was going for.

    PS In my part of the world – the part that doesn’t look to France for spelling tips – it’s “check”


    TommyB Reply:

    I would check out Bob the Builder’s movie site.
    He’s a construction wizard!

    And btw, If someone in Hollywood says “check please”, he means “check me out!”, referring to his or her most recent cosmetical surgery.
    So absolutely correct spelling there.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Bob was great in Harry Potter.


  3. Suhaib says:

    Who doesn’t love franchise with colons in the titles? ”It’s a sign of either creative bankruptcy or irritable bowel syndrome,”



    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Probably both, on second thought.


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