And this particular go will be gone before you know it.
What’s this? Underworld: Awakening, the fourth installment in the more endless than endlessly entertaining series, may be followed by a fifth? What a surprise! Who would have guessed!
“Daddy needs a new boat,” said director Len Wiseman, also known as Mr. Kate Beckinsale.
“We’re hoping to make as many Underworlds as my other acting gigs permit, and that’s an infinite number of Underworlds,” said Kate.
“We’re going to keep on trying until we get it right,” said Wiseman. “Or until we get it again, whichever comes first.”
Who doesn’t love franchise with colons in the titles? “It’s a sign of either creative bankruptcy or irritable bowel syndrome,” said a Screen Gems executive who, like all Screen Gems executives, wished to remain anonymous.
“We’re out of ideas,” Kate acknowledged. “As a result all future Underworld titles will borrow the words after the colon in the Resident Evil series, since they’re basically the same movies except we draw our cast from a different Starbucks.”
Pity poor Scott Speedman who did the last Beckinsale-intensive Underworld and appears to be reduced in this one to recycled stock footage combined with stunt doubles and CG. He’s a constant theme in the movie but is nowhere to be found in the cast. “That means I don’t get paid,” said a despondent Speedman on the set of his latest film which is being produced on his iPhone from the porch of his trailer home in Covina.
And while we’re at it, pity even more poor Wes Bentley, who is dispatched so early in this flick one is left asking “Did I just see Wes Bentley’s career flash before my eyes?”
Yes, Kate Beckinsale is back from a variety of forgettable roles to cement her claim as the world’s favorite auburn-haired ass-kicking vampiress. She’s also back from whatever cosmetic surgeon froze her forehead such that her face in an ice bucket can chill Len Wiseman’s champagne.
“My forehead is my instrument,” said Kate. “and this instrument plays one note.”
This new chapter of Underworld adds humans to the mix. It also adds a daughter for Kate Beckinsale, and like all teenaged daughters, she’s a hybrid.
“One day,” Kate assures her, “you, too, will grow up to dress like a restaurant server in San Francisco.”
What a great idea for the next chapter in the franchise: Underworld: Check Please.