John Carter

By Mark Ramsey | 2012/03/12

What? The star of the Disney mega-debacle John Carter is named Kitsch?!

Really!  I didn’t make that up!

Taylor Kitsch.

“This may be a bad omen,” noted co-stars Dina Deplorable and Hans Halfbaked.

There’s more performance capture in this movie than you can shake a stick at, and you’ll want to shake a stick at it once you finish shaking both fists.  It’s as if the entire crew watched Avatar and decided they could put on their own show with a green screen in some kid’s backyard.

So John Carter is a Civil War vet who is transported to Mars.

Yes, Civil War.  Yes, Mars.

Already sounds like a must-see, don’t it?

“You may call him John Carter of Mars, but I know him as John Carter of LA Fitness,” said poor Bryan Cranston in one of his forgettable wavy hair roles.

‘To you it’s Mars, but to those of us who dwell on this planet in our sandals, fighting with our swords, flying entirely non-aerodynamic airships, and speaking with perfect British accents, it’s ‘Barsoom.’”

“Judging by your Princess, a more fitting name would be Bosoom,” said John Carter, who hadn’t seen a lady in many a moon, no matter what planet’s moon we’re talking about.

But she’s not just a Princess, she’s Regent of the Royal Helium Academy of Science – and like all scientists she wears a bikini to work.

Who knew that Mars was such a temperate place?  Let alone a place where Men are Men – in tiny little skirts.

“With a typical temperature of -67° Farenheit and an atmosphere that contains almost no oxygen, it’s nice to know I will suffocate to death long before I freeze my balls off,” said Carter.

Thanks to the thin Martian atmosphere and the thinner characters, Carter has the ability to jump far into the air and across the horizon – and that’s as much of an arc as his character is going to make.  “I tried to jump out of this movie and into another one, but the strong gravitational pull of my contract with Disney kept rooting me to the Martian surface,” said Carter.

Beware!  The city of Helium is in danger of attack!  But a shotgun wedding will save the city unless the 9th ray intercedes with its incredible power blah blah blah blah.

“Will you stay and fight for Helium?” the Princess asks Carter.

“Only if I can deliver the rest of my dialogue after sucking some out of a paper bag,” he replied.

Dumb dialogue alerts are triggered with furious frequency:  “Tharks did not cause this, but by Issus, Tharks will end it!”  Unfortunately, Tharks let this go on for more than two hours, and Issus was too busy issuing bikinis to scientists to take notice.

“Tharks did not stop this because we were enthralled by the immutable forces that are John Carter’s man-teets,” said the Thark chief.

I have good news, Tharks! John Carter will be hanging from those man-teats alongside animators for Treasure Planet in the new Disney World attraction: Hall of Disappointments. Finally!  A place where Cinderella III can get all the respect it deserves!  And don’t miss the please-touch exhibit where you match Nicolas Cage’s teeth to the roles in which they were featured.  Go Nick!

John Carter is rated PG-13, as in “please go, 13-year-olds,” so the rest of us don’t have to.


23 Responses to “John Carter”

  1. Jay says:

    Well, Mars is a desert, and deserts are HOT, duh!


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Yes, the setting looks like a John Wayne movie – plus bikinis – and spaceships – and characters with four arms and not a brain between them.


    TommyB Reply:

    Bikinis and spaceships. Brings back memories of the good old
    Flash Gordon movie from 1980!


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    They’d be better off by putting Flash Gordon back on the big screen. Think of the money they could have saved! And all the hair products they could have sold!

  2. TommyB says:

    On a more serious note:
    Avater, as well as this movie, are both based on books by Edgar Rice Borroughs, hence the similarity.
    So “John Carter”‘s story isn’t a rip-off of Avatar.

    Still, you have to blame Disney for making yet another movie with
    a similar story after Avatar.

    But your review sounds like, even if you set that aside, the movie’s not good.
    And I hoped that this would be a nice fantasy movie…


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    I think “based” is too strong a word for Avatar’s relationship to Burroughs. Now Pocahontas, that’s another story.

    Not good is an understatement unless you’re streaming it for free from Netflix. :-)


  3. BLee says:

    I like how you are so skeptical…And you talk about the bikini, well if you read the book which this movie is based on they usually don’t wear anything except ornaments so that part actually makes sense. Also you are looking for realism from Mars even though this is science fiction, that’s like saying people in star wars can’t possibly travel to other planets that fast because faster than light travel is NOT possible. Dude did someone pay you to write a half ass review full of sarcasm that makes this movie look bad? If not you need a new job.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If you want to blame somebody for being paid to make this movie look bad, I suggest you direct your comments to the filmmakers!

    Indeed, if the costumes had been ornaments instead of fabric then at least I would have had something interesting to watch on that big screen.


  4. Rodrigo says:

    You’re a snobby asshole, Mark Ramsey.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You mean because I thought John Carter sucked or just in general?


  5. Tom S says:

    So I take it that you’ve NEVER read the series of books by ERB. To top it off you are mixing a litteral understanding and applying it to a Sci-Fi Fantasy story (as originally written).

    I have my reservations about seeing this movie and mostly because Disney was the studio that made this production. I envision a cut and paste trashing of the classic writings of ERB and half hearted rehash of the “Pirates of the Carribean” while changing the setting to Barsoom (Mars).

    HollyWeird has an abundance of material to choose from but they insist on rehash after reboots and the complete obliteration of classics be they written or in film format. Taking so-called “creative license” and changing the story in the process thus dihonoring the original work.

    Perhaps maybe you should do some due diligence and read the book(s) that movies are made or based on before you sit at your keyboard to weild you “opinions”. Maybe you will have a credible perspective to spout from at that point…..maybe.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Why start focusing on “credibility” now and spoil everything?


  6. Harry says:

    This movie was a delight, based on the stories that originated the entire “space opera” genre. Treasure Planet was a criminally underrated love letter to one of the best adventure stories ever written. You managed to misspell “teats”.

    You’re an idiot.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    You’re right, I did misspell “teat!” I’ll fix that. Although I must admit that I like my spelling better.

    If you actually thought John Carter was a delight then you’ll love the sequel….

    …oops, there won’t be one of those. Because the world agrees with me :-)


  7. Roland says:

    I think your self aggrandizing review is far worse than the film. If you were as smart as you think you are you would have something constructive to offer. As it is, it’s just close minded drivel and not even clever enough to be entertaining. If you’re in Middle School then I apologize for being so harsh. If not, I think it’s time to grow up a little.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    If I were as smart as I think I am I wouldn’t reply to your message.


  8. FutureAnimator says:

    Treasure Planet is definitely an under-rated gem (hell, even on rotten tomatoes it has a 70%). As far as I can tell, you didn’t even review it. Maybe you should check it out yourself, rather than relying on other’s opinions (particularly considering the politics that influenced Treasure Planet’s publicity; Michael Eisner wanted hand-drawn animation to fail).

    Oh, and by the way, even if you don’t like it in terms of plot, story, etc. there’s a big difference between not liking a movie and blaming the animators, let alone singling out the animators as a disappointment. If you want to hate the movie, fine, but let’s figure out who’s actually responsible for a movie’s failure, not just blaming who Mike Eisner tells us to blame.

    In addition, let’s assume the animators are to blame; have you honestly found an actor that’s never disappointed you or a director that’s never disappointed you? Do they deserve to be hung up by their thumbs as opposed to the movie that is uninspired?

    Personally if they are showing off the animators on Treasure Planet, I’ll be first in line; those animators are some of the best guys in the business. In terms of furthering the medium – Treasure Planet did a lot. It features the first character animation with a combination of traditional, hand-drawn animation and computer animation.

    Know who and what you’re knocking before you knock it.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Back off, Jack! I’m commenting on the commercial success – or in this case, the lack thereof – of the movie. It may be an underrated gem, but it is also a gem that audiences left on a card table at the swap shop.


    FutureAnimator Reply:

    “John Carter will be hanging from those man-teats alongside animators for Treasure Planet in the new Disney World attraction: Hall of Disappointments. Finally! A place where Cinderella III can get all the respect it deserves!”

    That isn’t discussing the animators’ quality? It certainly sounds like it.


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Well Darth Vader sounds like James Earl Jones, but that doesn’t mean he is, does it?

  9. Stephanie says:

    What’s with all the haters? There seem to be an awful lot of people who take your reviews waaaaaaaaay too seriously. Seriously, debating the quality of “Treasure Planet”? Wow.

    As always, I loved your review. Your reviews make me giggle at work. So thanks for getting me in trouble! :D


    Mark Ramsey Reply:

    Great. I got another woman in trouble.

    At least this time it was at work.

    Thanks Stephanie!


  10. [...] miracle of miracles:  Battleship stars the same sorry guy who anchored the notoriously floppy John Carter.  I don’t want to suggest his career is in jeopardy, but from now on he’s more likely [...]

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