Really! I didn’t make that up!
“This may be a bad omen,” noted co-stars Dina Deplorable and Hans Halfbaked.
There’s more performance capture in this movie than you can shake a stick at, and you’ll want to shake a stick at it once you finish shaking both fists. It’s as if the entire crew watched Avatar and decided they could put on their own show with a green screen in some kid’s backyard.
So John Carter is a Civil War vet who is transported to Mars.
Yes, Civil War. Yes, Mars.
Already sounds like a must-see, don’t it?
“You may call him John Carter of Mars, but I know him as John Carter of LA Fitness,” said poor Bryan Cranston in one of his forgettable wavy hair roles.
‘To you it’s Mars, but to those of us who dwell on this planet in our sandals, fighting with our swords, flying entirely non-aerodynamic airships, and speaking with perfect British accents, it’s ‘Barsoom.’”
“Judging by your Princess, a more fitting name would be Bosoom,” said John Carter, who hadn’t seen a lady in many a moon, no matter what planet’s moon we’re talking about.
But she’s not just a Princess, she’s Regent of the Royal Helium Academy of Science – and like all scientists she wears a bikini to work.
Who knew that Mars was such a temperate place? Let alone a place where Men are Men – in tiny little skirts.
“With a typical temperature of -67° Farenheit and an atmosphere that contains almost no oxygen, it’s nice to know I will suffocate to death long before I freeze my balls off,” said Carter.
Thanks to the thin Martian atmosphere and the thinner characters, Carter has the ability to jump far into the air and across the horizon – and that’s as much of an arc as his character is going to make. “I tried to jump out of this movie and into another one, but the strong gravitational pull of my contract with Disney kept rooting me to the Martian surface,” said Carter.
Beware! The city of Helium is in danger of attack! But a shotgun wedding will save the city unless the 9th ray intercedes with its incredible power blah blah blah blah.
“Will you stay and fight for Helium?” the Princess asks Carter.
“Only if I can deliver the rest of my dialogue after sucking some out of a paper bag,” he replied.
Dumb dialogue alerts are triggered with furious frequency: “Tharks did not cause this, but by Issus, Tharks will end it!” Unfortunately, Tharks let this go on for more than two hours, and Issus was too busy issuing bikinis to scientists to take notice.
“Tharks did not stop this because we were enthralled by the immutable forces that are John Carter’s man-teets,” said the Thark chief.
I have good news, Tharks! John Carter will be hanging from those man-teats alongside animators for Treasure Planet in the new Disney World attraction: Hall of Disappointments. Finally! A place where Cinderella III can get all the respect it deserves! And don’t miss the please-touch exhibit where you match Nicolas Cage’s teeth to the roles in which they were featured. Go Nick!
John Carter is rated PG-13, as in “please go, 13-year-olds,” so the rest of us don’t have to.