This is a job for as many B-level comic book heroes as we can contractually lock in, all under the direction of Samuel L. Jackson as the aptly named “Nick Fury,” a leader with no depth perception and a tendency for the kind of colorful language that a PG-13 washes out of his mouth with a bit of soap.
Saving the world is one task – making it safe for a Scarlett Johansson performance is quite another. In The Avengers Scarlett must not only act, she must act Russian! Listen, I wouldn’t trust Scarlett to save the world if it only meant saving the world’s very last issue of Vogue.
So let’s assemble our team: Who better to defend Earth from armageddon than a guy from the ’40′s with a sturdy shield, a Dolce & Gabbana spokesmodel, a lifeguard with a really big hammer, a guy with anger issues, and “Shecky” Stark, a wise-cracking man in iron whose suit is 100% heckle-proof.
And while we’re at it, let’s include an archer, because what could be more effective against interstellar battle than a bow and arrows? “You never know when an alien invader is the Sheriff of Nottingham,” warned Jackson.
The problem begins when a cube – the doorway to the other end of space – is stolen from a presumably secure government location. Why do we need a doorway to the other end of space? “To find a place where The Housewives of Orange County has never aired” replied Jackson.
That’s good enough for me.
The evil Loki returns from Marvel movies past to steal the cube. So Earth must face its most potent foe – a spear-carrying guy dressed like a gold antelope who seeks to free us from our freedom. Bring on the extraterrestrial petting zoo!
“My horns are huge and so I must be compensating for something,” acknowledged Loki, who was nevertheless spotted with a Kardashian and introducing his own line of girly hair products.
Warfighting ensues. Time to cue our archery team from Dolce & Gabbana.
Enter The Hulk, as played by Eric Bana…I mean, Edward Norton…I mean, Mark Ruffalo…I mean, who really cares who plays The Hulk? We’re talking about following in the big green footsteps of Lou Ferrigno, after all.
So our heroes must recover the cube because it is the secret to sustainable energy. “The less detail I go into there, the quicker we can get to the action and sustain our international box office,” explained Sam Jackson.
But first, our heroes must battle each other and learn to get along while dodging Robert Downey Jr.’s, gamma-ray powered one-liners. “I’m the Jamie Kennedy of the Avengers,” said Downey, “and I’m here all week!”
Scarlett Johansson’s secret power is her sheer Johanssonness, and the sheerer the better. “In my skintight catsuit, my power is to make high expectations disappear,” said Johansson, without moving a single facial muscle.
“You mewling quim!” Scarlett shouts at Loki using the kind of language that Scarlett could only have read one syllable at a time and practiced in front of the mirror when she wasn’t otherwise shooting self-pics.
“So we’re using Jeopardy-style insults are we,” replied Loki “in a movie featuring a flying aircraft carrier?! So be it, you breezy squib!”
“I have to wipe out the red in my ledger,” explained Scarlett, “although red is the new black, so assuming we mean the ledger between my butt and my thigh maybe it’s an improvement.”
Enter giant flying tadpoles from a hole in the sky! They’re set to destroy Earth – slowly and evidently one building at a time.
“At this rate we shall control this planet in two-and-a-half centuries!” said Loki. “And that’s one century quicker than CBS can control Two and a Half Men.”
The Avengers is everything it was intended to be, which isn’t much more than a warm-weather kickoff. So check your big green troubles and your bow at the door, slip on your 3D eyepatch, slide into your catsuit, and get ready for your rimshot cue.
“Target acquired, target engaged, target angry….” Target tired.